1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.


Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by transparent, Feb 24, 2015.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. transparent

    transparent Well-Known Member

    I am asexual. I am struggling to relate with my friends. Both are in relationships and have asked me advice or have just wanted to vent to....I've told them I'm the wrong person to be talking to. They know I'm asexual and they accept me, but I don't think they truly understand what it's like to live in my head. What's the worst is family asking me if I'm seeing anyone or if I've met a special someone...I can't tell them. They wouldn't understand especially my mother's sisters. I've always felt like an outcast when I was younger but now it's even more so. Thought "Hey, maybe I'm a late bloomer".. but I'm not. I've tried dating a man and a woman and both relationships ended in a week because I didn't really know what to do. I had no interest in having what people call "normal relationship". I couldn't live a lie by being heterosexual nor homosexual.
    It's gotten to point that I hardly talk to either of my friends anymore because I cannot comprehend their emotions and feelings because I've never experienced them before.
    I need help.
  2. Dewonderland

    Dewonderland Well-Known Member


    Somehow your words sounded wrong for me.
    'I need help'
    Not that I don't understand the feeling but it's not like you're down or wrong or bad or ill ...
    You are you and that you might be different to most of what people are ... or tell they are.
    Actually I think there are a lot of people that just pretend to be so into relationship and sex ... because now it seems like the norm and if you're more like a 'all about my friends' or 'I am mor elike a lonely being' they think you're life is sad.
    You're the ugly duckling ... like 100 years ago they would have been the dirty ones with ugly soul that would burn in hell.

    Come on !
    They have freedom, you have freedom.
    I might have a bit the same problem and I felt also left appart ...
    And truth is as much as I can I avoid the subject or laugh it out.
    But most of the people got to know that I am not into relationship.
    At some point I was so bored to try to make up excuses ... and anyway after 1 or 2 year people figure it out ... so when they're like :
    "so you finally found someone"
    I blantly answer : no ... I don't do relationship. It bores me to death and I don't know hom to do it.

    recently I also heard a : " but all human being are looking for a partner"
    ANd I told : "Do they ? Then I don't know I might not be human."

    Don't hide, be yourself.
    Be blunt.
    Tell what you feel or they won't get it ... but if you do bit by bit they'll get to know you and it will be easier for them to know how to handle this.

    I just tell them I do other things. That I understand their need to be with someone but that I like hanging around with friends but relationship creeps the hell out of me.

    Well ... that kind of thing.

    Just go !
  3. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    Not being able to relate to your friends and strangers emotionally has nothing to do with sexual attraction, and these are two separate things.

    If you have found that you're asexual then be you, it's not a problem. Some people just are; they manage to maintain affectionate friendships and loving relationships despite that they have no sexual desire and are asexual because their interactions are more cerebral.

    Maybe you just have a lack of empathy or no experience interacting with others. I think this is called emotional intelligence. There are certain practical exercises you can try a few times a week to improve it, such as starting a conversation with a stranger in public about anything relevant (weather, long waiting time in line, food at a grocery store or restaurant, or a compliment on someone's attire or makeup, hair, anything). The conversation doesn't necessarily have to go anywhere, but it's a helpful exercise in talking to other people.

    Problems relating others' emotions is understandable when you have no experience in what theyre dealing with. It might be helpful to take time to observe the way people react to and interact with someone who's angry, sad, happy, or fearful. Is there mostly talking or hugging and holding as comfort? Most communication is nonverbal through gestures, facial expressions and body language.

    If trying to relate to a friend by talking is difficult, maybe it just means you're a better listener than someone who can relate, and that's okay. Going over to that friend's house and merely being there (bringing something good to eat helps break the ice, too) to sit together and listen as they share thoughts and problems may be more effective for you, too. Sometimes people just need someone to listen and not talk or try to analyze anything, and that might be what you can be for them. :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 24, 2015
  4. Asexual means someone who doesn't experience sexual/bodily attractions to people. It is not a problem, it is just a taste. Some peolpe dont like classical music. Some people don't like roller coasters, some people don't like chocolate, and some people don't like sex, some people don't like the Rolling Stones, etc.

    It is not abnormal, and is much more common than people admit (people don't admit to it because it is a "popular" thing to love sex and to love it all the time, with multiple partners, no attachments, or because the person's "hot," etc).

    It's besides the point to ask what "causes" asexuality, because that would assume that sexuality is natural and that asexuality was not (that something would have to CAUSE it because it's not "the normal way of things"). Such thing is not true. Nothing "causes" asexuality nor is sexuality "caused" by anything. It's just a preference either way.

    Many people do not like sex. Sometimes there are reasons (their partners have never done it right and were selfish about it, they were raped and associate sex with rape, they have medical problems causing them pain, they have never met an attractive person, or every attractive person was a jerk so they were turned off in general), but sometimes it's just the person's preference.

    But when you talk about not being able to connect with your friends and stuff, do you mean you cannot connect BECAUSE you are asexual and they are into sex so you don't understand their problems and preferences and stuff? Asexual doesn't mean "not being able to connect with people", that's something else. But maybe you didn't mean that.

    I agree with the poster above and I want to add to what they said. A hundred years ago things were different- they would be the "weird" ones for being obsessed with friends and dating and la la la. Back then, people were more about the facts and the important things in life, like getting work done, being intellectual, and people weren't as often judged on not being "popular" and following fun trendy culture and shit. Sure, there were codes of conduct, but it was more about whether you followed the law and were a decent chap.

    People were encouraged to get married, but there was a reason for that- to continue the race or species or to continue the family, etc. Not for "fun" or shallow reasons, and people didn't throw psychology into the mix and try to diagnose someonen when they didn't do what they were supposed to. They just lectured you and left your brain chemistry alone!

    Behaviors today that would be considered normal- or even preferred!- back then, are now called "Asperger's Syndrome" (conversing logically and honestly, being moral, having values, resisting peer pressure and favoring individual judgment, not being able to read people's minds- which no one can do actually- etc) and today we are more into "emotional intelligence" and we expect that anyone who cannot practically read someone's mind has some sort of syndrome or deficiency (which isn't true!!) It just means they have different life expereinces from each other.

    I don't know if this is what you are getting at when you say you can't read people, or understand them, but perhaps the problem is that there is a trend nowadays of most people expecting that if someoene cannot understnad or read their intentions that it is the fault of the listener, isntead of taking reponsibility and speaking more clearly and honestly.

    For example, if Tony speaks illogically and contradicts himself adn hides his true intentions, etc, and he is having a conversation with Sam, then SAM is diagnosed for not being able to understand Tony, even though Tony is the one not making sense, not Sam. Sam doesn't have a decifiency because he cannot understand Tony. Tony does for being confusing.

    But teachers and psychologists take SAM aside, adn assume that if Sam cannot understand Tony, then Sam must have the problem. They don't even listen to Sam's account of what the discussion was about and what Tony siad (maybe Tony said 1+1=3 - now who could understand that?) They just assume "Sam is bad at reading people" and that he needs medication.

    If several kids start realising that people are saying "Sam is bad at reading people", then they will bully him by saying things to him that dont make sense, knowing that the adults will diagnose SAM with having the problem. The bullies will switch Sam's statements around on him, ignore points he makes, disagree with him on random issues for random reasons and not tell him why. And when Sam says he cannot understand teh bullies or predict when they will start to be irrational adn on what topics, HE will be told HE has the "inability"- the inability to "read" people or to understand how they tick. Even though those people were being PURPOSELY random and hard to understand.

    Sam will always complain of kids not being logical and insist that conversations people have with him must make sense and that he will not converse with people who do not. He will get in arguments with people and try to analyze every statement they make to try to force them to argue logically and truthfully.

    The adults will not admit that ANYONE would be confused by such statements and will pretend that the only reason Sam is so confused and is always talking about logic is because HE has a syndrome. Aspergers. A "syndrome" which supposedly causes people to insist that things be logical.

    Wrong. Sam isn't complaining about illogic because he loves logic. He is complaining about logic because he has more illogical things happening to him than the other kids do. He is no easier to "fool" than the other kids; who wouldn't be confused by some of the ridiculous things the other kids say? And who would be able to predict that a kid who starts out having a logical conversation with you would randomly start being illogical? When Sam tries to explain to the teachers and psychs why he could not have known the other kids were going to do that, they don't listen. They just assume he is "bad at reading people," even when he gives evidence that it was impossible for anyone to have known that the others were going to start being illogical or lying.

    The reason he is so "obsessed" with logic is because people are always being illogical to him! Of course he is always talking about it. Not because it is an interest of his. And the reason he is confused by their statements is not because he is "a logical person" or has "a logical mind". ANYONE would be confused by, or not be able to understand, such statements. You dont need to be logical to not understand someone when they say "I like red" and then say "I hate red" five sentences later.

    Psychs who evaluate Sam and people in Sam's position are always trying to make it sound like the victim's confusion proves he has a certain type of nature; that is, that only people of a certain nature ("logical people") would be confused by and not be able to converse with these verbal bullies. NOT TRUE. It is the illogic of their statements, not any trait the listener possesses, that causes the misunderstanding.

    Please Google "gaslighting", it may help in general with this topic.

    My point is that the way society treats people today causes these problems of "not being able to relate to people." The person who doesn't understand is automatically assumed to be the defective one, even if the thing the person is trying to understand is not understandable or predictable!

    Even if bullying or lying or illogic is not involved, the same thing happens. Kids who are not familiar with or hang out with the majority of kids, or the trendy kids, or the kids who behave and think the way the majority behaves or thinks, will naturally never pick up on the thoughts and vibes of those kids. Not because they have an inability, but because the way those kids think and act are not self evident adn universal.

    I get the impression that any kid who doesn't share the same persona, traits, habits, thoughts, and who isn't "in" on or aware of all the popular cues and behaviors and viewpoints (for whatever reason) is being diagnosed with a syndrome. Perhaps this is because the people diagnosing the "out" kid don't want to admit that the "in" behaviors are arbitrary, random, not universal, and not self evident (meaning, someone who wasn't told to do or think them would not necessarily instinctively do or think them without being told to).

    Our soceity does not want to admit that our arbitrary manmade trends and ways of thinking are not universal, self evident, or "objectively" right. So it diagnoses anyone who reminds it- whether purposely or not- that its trends and traditions are not figure-out-able in and of themselves.

    So when a child complains that a certain rule or trend is not guessable or followable, or is illogical (doesn't follow a pattern, isn't self evident, contradicts itself, etc) he is diagnosed with a syndrome, because he reminded society, even if not on purpose, that its rules adn trends are not obvious and instinctively understandable and right.

    If you think you are 'unable to relate' to people, perhaps it is not because you have an inability or a problem, but instead it may be because the people you are trying to relate to just have a different personality or nature than you do. Not because you have a syndrome or problem, etc. We, as a society, always diagnose the minority, because it cannot fight back as easily, so if your persona and habits and beliefs were in teh majority, maybe the opposite type of people would be being diagnosed maybe.

    Fact is, the "majority" of people today like sex and relationships. Or at least they say they do. A hundred years ago, people were pushed to get married, but at least if you didn't want to do something, people didn't ask questions about your psychology, they didn't gaslight you, diagnose you, confuse you, or lie. They just said "follow the rules and shut up". Which was nasty and unfair...but at least it didn't screw with your mind.

    Perhaps this is part of what is going on in your life. You are being made to feel weird for not understanding things that are not self evident (sex and relationship lifestyles and viewpoints) because those viewpoints happen to be in the majority.

    Also, relationships are not always easy because sometimes two (or however many) people, because of how they are connected, how they relate, their personalities and lifestyles, do not work well with the traditional relationship style because it doesn't jive with their life trajectory. we seem to think that everyone must follow the "one man one woman, fall in love first, kiss second, marry third, sex fourth, kids fifth, etc" is the way things happen. Not always true.

    You could want to marry someone you don't want to have sex with but are in love with. Some people might want to have sex with a person they are not in love with, and fall in love with a person they don't want to have sex with. Sometimes peolpe marry out of companionship (travel partner, activity buddy, etc) and are neither in love nor in lust with the person, but they love each other as friends. You might want to have kids with one person and have sex with another (and have sex with the first person only fro teh kids, or adopt with them). You might be in love with a third person!

    My mom, god rest her soul, said to me how silly life was in terms of marriage norms. She said "you have to find one person who fulfills ALL these different things: the person you have sex with, the person you marry, the person you live with, the person you have kids with, the person you are in love with, the person has to be your best friend, the person who you do bills and legal stuff with, the person you die with, the person you make medical decisions with, the person you RAISE the kids with, the person you vacation with, the person who listens to your problems, the person who is your psychological support, the person..."

    And if that person doesn't fulfill those qualities or they lied about who they were and they really don't fit well with you on any of those planes, then NO DIVORCE, HAHA! Till death do you part!

    Oh, and people who tell you that there's only one soul mate out there and that you have to stand by your man/wife and all that, when you get divorced or break up these same people say "there are plenty of fish in teh seaaaaa". huh?

    I totally see why you don't get relationships. They only work for some people who are lucky enough to meet other people who both have certain needs (they want to be with one person forever and ever and live with them and such) and were fortunate enough to find someone similar enough to do that with, and who know what they will want fifty years from now.

    Relationships are bunk, at least the idea that everyone needs one. I would rather meet people, see how I fit with them, and then label whatever we have based on waht it is, not squeeze our natures and behavior and connection and change it to make it fit a preconceived style of relationship.

    As for being asexual, it is not a problem, it is a preference. Some people don't like sex, some people do, some like it in certain circumstances, some like it with certain people, some like it then stop liking it, or vice versa, etc.
  5. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Check out AVEN forum. Youre not alone. Just saying.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.