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ashamed I may have lied ? *may trigger?*

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Clouded, Nov 16, 2007.

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  1. Clouded

    Clouded Member

    For a few years I have confused myself over this problem. I was in a relationship with a man I loved for a good few months. He was a normal as any other guy for most then time.
    Then a few times when he had taken drugs and been drinking heavily he seemed different. I myself was taking drugs and drinking at the time so it wasn't about substance abuse, he just seemed to be so vacant when anything sexual happened. I put it down to him being out of it. Then once he wanted sex and I didn't he was too wasted and I just said no. He did it anyway. He even fell asleep still inside me and I felt dirty and used like I was just there for his pleasing and not for his love any more. One day when things seemed OK again and he hadn't been taking the drugs so much and was a bit more stable he did something I'm ashamed of. I don't know if me not wanting to was enough to consider this abuse though. Basically he penetrated me with something that wasn't a body part or a sexual aid .. but something household. I wont' say what in case it reveals too much.

    The point was I remember him saying "yeah you'd love it wouldn't you ? you love being a dirty slut don't you" and I sort of didn't know how to react. I didn't want it to happen but part of me thought well if it pleases him ?
    I have always had a kinky side that leads me to more ;extreme; sex ? but I think I did say to him I don't want this. The confusion came after. He didn't think anything wrong had happened. I was torn apart inside, I loved him but yet I felt violated. I decided if I told him I was raped .. by someone else and lied maybe he would ... mention what happened ? and it would be a way of discussing what he thought rape was and wasn't ?. Needless to say he didn't believe me, not surprising as that story was a lie. The more emotional I became over everything made him more distance and verbal abusive. Telling me things like I wasn't worth him because he was better looking then me. He left me for someone else shortly after. I was devastated and heart broken and cried and cried and cried.
    My friends tried to get me to go out and forget but the place they went was a place I might see him and the woman he left me for so it crippled me to think of going. I lied to them and told them last time we went ... and I walked home on my own I was raped. so I couldn't' go to this particular place and this was why I had been so emotional.

    why did I keep lying ? I kept telling myself if someone thinks something happened like this they might help me to see if what happened was right or wrong. In turn the guilt of lying about it made me tell my friends the original version wasn't true. I explained that my boyfriend(ex) had done it, no details just simple "he did it". they didn't believe me. Why should they ? I had lied about something so terrible to lie about why would they have any time for me now even if it was the truth. The ex and the new woman became a part of some of my crowd. Over the years I know he has told the new woman about me and described me as a bit of a mental case and has probably told the friends I left behind I was messed up and made up lies (due to lying to him trying to get a reaction) . One day he discovered I had SI and that was the start of him being disgusted with me. He never and probably still doesn't think he did wrong. But when I think of what he used and what he did I feel sick. I told other close friends but never told them the details just "he raped me and abused me" they ask questions that pry at the solution or the answer that it wasn't rape. that it was all my fault. People think I'm just an attention seeker.

    the next relationship I was in, I didn't think I would get to that with him. One night after being out clubbing, we ended up at a friends house. He wanted to and had been taking drugs that night. So was out of it and seemed to not know what he was doing. It wasn't a loving moment. I didn't protest to it at all. I just lay there and accepted it and thought once this night is over I can go back to being single because I just can't have sex any more and enjoy it ? He made me feel the way I did that night when I don't know if I was or wasn't ... or if I'm just a horrible liar :(

    Since that happened I avoided all relationships for a good few years. I did find love again but recently I think that's all over. So the nights I cry for the heart break at the moment, makes me think back to these times with that other boyfriend. If I was so hurt then he can't have done anything bad to me? I wouldn't still love him for doing it ? but I did, I really did. Which makes me believe again it's me that is confused. Since eventually telling the truth to friends who disowned me for not believing me I can't bare to tell anyone else the full story. wont' a therapist's say well it's hard to know if he thought you wanted it or not ? For years I have felt like liar. Yet I know I have intimacy issues because of this. I just don't' know any more. I feel ridiculous for even attempting to explain it here to people who truly have been through things that are as clear as day, bad things. This isn't even close to some of your stories I stayed up reading last night. I suppose I just want someone to say once and for all yes you're right to feel this way about it or no you're not get over yourself ?

    confused :unsure:
  2. Smashed__

    Smashed__ Well-Known Member

    If you ever said no, its rape. Penis, no penis.
    Every person needs to know this.

    I think it was wrong to gauge a reaction by lieing as it seems to have added to your pain in the long run. I honestly think some of this has to do with the crowd you are/were with. the drugs and alcohol are NOT an excuse but they do change a person as you've seen first hand..and your judgement in trust or reaction may have been off. I don't know if he ever hit you but it sounds like you were both sexually and verbally abused.

    I would be furious if a friend lied about rape- and can see why some of them may see it as 'the boy who cried wolf' if you will. That said, it was a mistake, and with explaining, and some listening to what actually happened a true friend wouldn't have blown you off or disowned you. I doubtr the police would have taken it far because of the drugs involved, you being confused and ultimatley a he said/she said but to me, from what you've described you were not wrong..just confused, and trying to make sense of everything.
  3. Clouded

    Clouded Member

    Thank you for replying, I read it then decided to take the dog for a walk and think it over. I feel like my mind is my worst enemy right now. I think too myself he was wrong to do some of the abusive things he did, but then I think no it was probably my fault or a misunderstanding or.... I simply don't know any more. When I lied to him and then my friends it wasn't planned. I started to talk wanting to tell him that I felt he had done something wrong and them (friends) what had happened. Yet as soon as I got into it and the serious tone of the conversation was set I felt I couldn't tell the truth. It seemed to trivial and stupid. He hadn't mentioned it since so he couldn't think it was a problem. So why did I ? then this whole other story came out. I guess I'm looking for someone to say it was justified to panic and do that but it wasn't. :sad:
  4. incombustible2000

    incombustible2000 Well-Known Member

    sorry to hear about your story, but it is common for girls to have stories like yours, and its not that bad what you did, and lied to him, it did make things harder for you maybe, but it in know way means you deserve anything like that at all, no on deserves being abused. I am glad you have the courage to write how you are feeling on here. I am sorry about what happened, I think you wanted the guy to understand, and he did not and he was not a good guy or he would have not acted the way when you said you where raped, telling you are lieing, if he loved you then he would not react like that at all, I think before you get into another relationship you must work out your issues, and learn to love yourself some how, and learn to say know, remember its your body and you owe nothing to know one, and if you want to have sexs its your choice, and too bad for everyone else, but in order to do this and be truely happy then you must love yourself,and if a guy cannot respect this, then he is not the guy for you. Cause a truely loving man, would not hurt you, but you have to look after yourself, becuase if you do not what do you have to give....
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