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Ashamed of being depressed

#1
This is a post full of negativity. I know it's very biased, and I don't always think like this, but that's how I feel right now.

I have a hard time feeling any sort of compassion for myself. When I see myself I just feel contempt sometimes, and I can't even bring myself to wish that good things would happen to me.

I remember reading someone saying that all people deserve love because nobody would think that a baby doesn't deserve love, and therefore all the grown-up babies also deserve love by extension. But I think that reasoning is wrong. Babies are innocent, and bad things happen to them. They cannot be blamed, and therefore it can be said that they are good by nature, and that they are in-themselves good for the world. But adults can be the source of bad things. It may come a point when being evil and disgusting is just part of a person's nature. And in that case is not easy to say that someone deserves love.

I feel like such an evil person. No big tragedy has happened to me, and I've been more or less as mean to other people as other people have been mean to me. I could adscribe all my life's problems to my own cowardice, incompetence, selfishness... And so, when I feel depressed the most, I just feel I deserve it. On the contrary, it would be selfish of me to even want to belong to the world. How could I dare want people to be with me? I'm nothing but a messed up person who clings to others out of despair. I'd be nothing but a burden. It's evil of me to want others to put up with me. Whatever good I may have in me is overshadowed by the dirty parts of me. Even feeling depressed is pathetic; there are people who have suffered more and have really good hearts and those are the only ones who need the already scarce compassion of others. I'm actually getting on their way. Wherever I look, I only find more things to blame myself for. Anytime someone complains about toxic people, I recognize myself in them. I have no right to feel anxious or hurt or insecure, because I'm the one who is bothering others and they don't owe me anything.

Maybe I could sonehow make myself useful to others instead of a hindrance, but I feel that would only be a facade. I know that I would never be able to change some aspects of myself. When I recall my earliest memories as a child, I have not really changed in some areas: I'm scared of the same things, I have the same selfish desires, I'm angry for the same reasons. It's how I am; they are conflicts integral to my identity. I could never be the selfless, confident, positive person that is considered the bare minimum for a "decent" person. And if I had to become such a decent person, I would have to get rid of all the bad thoughts I've ever had, all my selfishnes, and I would simply be erased. All the years I've lived would be worthless because even in my best times I've never been the person others expect me to be.

I can't really blame others for wanting me to disappear.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#2
Oh, I can totally understand these feelings. I'm sorry, it really sucks. I think you do know on some level it's not true, but man is it hard to kick the feelings when it FEELS so true.

I don't think anyone wants you to disappear. You are probably guilty of what my therapist gets on me about all the time - you are holding yourself to such an impossible standard that you wouldn't hold anyone else to. If a friend had done whatever 'evil' things you have, would you say they don't deserve love? I doubt it. Just try to remind yourself of that. Talk to yourself like you would a friend, even if it doesn't sink in right away.

You DO deserve to feel better, and to be loved. *hug
 

KM76710

SWCA3110-SWHF625
SF Supporter
#4
I would say stay, stick around and chat with others who may be able to offer comfort for your pain and help you help others here. I doubt that you can be a hindrance here and may possibly aid others.
 

Dante

Took 5 years to learn how to make a custom title.
SF Supporter
#6
This sounds like textbook depression, every part of it, and it can be really hard to see through depression, so let me be blunt: You HAVE to understand: Depression is NOT your fault, it is NOT weakness, and it is NOT something you get simply because bad things happen or something you can overcome if you are a strong or good person. Depression IS THE BAD THING that has happened to you, and it is a tough card to be dealt. Depression can happen as a result of trying (and often succeeding) to cope with bad events for too long, or it can just happen. Specific patterns of thought, a tendency to withdraw into your own mind for protection or entertainment, a self-critical nature, any of these things and more can lead to depression, and it is not your fault.

Depression strips away your drive and happiness:
Reductions in serotonin, noradrenaline and dopamine in your brain remove the key ways your brain has to motivate you and respond to positive events, everything good becomes sort of flat and empty, but everything bad keeps its sting, as a result you barely notice good things but see bad everywhere, the world becomes a horrible place, and the more bad you see and feel without any good to balance it, the worse you feel, and this also true when you look at yourself.

Depression cripples your body:

The same neurochemicals which give motivation and good feelings are also used to regulate multiple crucial systems in the body including heart rhythm, blood sugar levels, blood pressure, sleep cycles, pain threshold, motor function, cognitive reasoning and way more, all these systems go out of whack leaving you sluggish, clumsy, bloated, tired, filled with aches and pains, and feeling stupid because you cant seem to think properly.

Depression messes with your thinking:
If you look at the brain of a depressed person with an fMRI you can see huge differences in brain activity compared to a normal person, decrease in brain activity in areas linked to cognitive reasoning, goal management, emotional control and assignment of meaning (among others), and a marked increase in areas associated with self-analysis, essentially meaning you will struggle to think, plan ahead, control your emotions, or find any point or meaning in anything, whilst finding it EVER so easy to obsess over your every flaw.

Depression is a horrible thing to happen to you and is it MORE than enough reason for anybody to seek help.
 

Legate Lanius

Will spend less time online, afk 4 a few months
#7
This sounds like textbook depression, every part of it, and it can be really hard to see through depression, so let me be blunt: You HAVE to understand: Depression is NOT your fault, it is NOT weakness, and it is NOT something you get simply because bad things happen or something you can overcome if you are a strong or good person. Depression IS THE BAD THING that has happened to you, and it is a tough card to be dealt. Depression can happen as a result of trying (and often succeeding) to cope with bad events for too long, or it can just happen. Specific patterns of thought, a tendency to withdraw into your own mind for protection or entertainment, a self-critical nature, any of these things and more can lead to depression, and it is not your fault.

Depression strips away your drive and happiness:
Reductions in serotonin, noradrenaline and dopamine in your brain remove the key ways your brain has to motivate you and respond to positive events, everything good becomes sort of flat and empty, but everything bad keeps its sting, as a result you barely notice good things but see bad everywhere, the world becomes a horrible place, and the more bad you see and feel without any good to balance it, the worse you feel, and this also true when you look at yourself.

Depression cripples your body:
The same neurochemicals which give motivation and good feelings are also used to regulate multiple crucial systems in the body including heart rhythm, blood sugar levels, blood pressure, sleep cycles, pain threshold, motor function, cognitive reasoning and way more, all these systems go out of whack leaving you sluggish, clumsy, bloated, tired, filled with aches and pains, and feeling stupid because you cant seem to think properly.

Depression messes with your thinking:
If you look at the brain of a depressed person with an fMRI you can see huge differences in brain activity compared to a normal person, decrease in brain activity in areas linked to cognitive reasoning, goal management, emotional control and assignment of meaning (among others), and a marked increase in areas associated with self-analysis, essentially meaning you will struggle to think, plan ahead, control your emotions, or find any point or meaning in anything, whilst finding it EVER so easy to obsess over your every flaw.

Depression is a horrible thing to happen to you and is it MORE than enough reason for anybody to seek help.
Great post, made me realize I haven't been able to shake this depression for more than a few weeks total since it starting up five years ago.
 

Dante

Took 5 years to learn how to make a custom title.
SF Supporter
#8
I am already on my way down into depression yet again (I seem to cycle between depressed and normal every few years) but I can still see that I am not that bad of a guy, I am not a complete failure, or a horrible person, but I keep a diary of my thoughts whilst depressed and you should read some of that stuff, reading it back even now it is surprisingly dark, it is hard to believe I could have thought such things about myself, sometimes I would just write "please let it end" over and over and over, I would fill pages, other times I write about myself like I was an inhuman monster, and sometimes I would just write abuse to myself, as an example, here is an excerpt from one of the diaries:

"I fucking suck. Self pitying useless disgusting waste of fungus food..." "...Fucking self-pitying scum, Die like the filth you are, slowly."

I wrote hundreds of pages in those diaries, and all I can say is thank fuck I dont remember most of it (depression did a real number on my memory). I cant justify those words I wrote about and to myself except to say that depression does a real number on your self image, and I guarantee it is doing the same to you. You need to see someone about your depression, it is the hardest step to take but also a vital one.

Please call someone.
 

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