Ashamed of myself

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by helpnow42, Sep 25, 2015.

  1. helpnow42

    helpnow42 New Member

    Hi everyone. I hope this is an okay place to confess and vent. I've always been a little sexually different. I I learned fairly early on - in my late teens and early twenties - that I was turned on - a lot - by groups, and orgies, and partner swapping and the like. I told my fiance about it shortly before we got married, and we tried swinging for a while. Long story short - I liked it and she didn't. I had to choose the lifestyle or her. I chose her.

    Ever since then, I've struggled with monogamy. I have only had a few encounters with women, but a lot more with men, because it's so much easier, and there's no emotional risk for me - I'm not emotionally/romantically attracted to men. But after encounters, I get terrified of having contracted an STD and so I run and get sometimes-expensive tests and hide the expenses from my wife. I've never contracted anything, but I'm in a crisis now with something that resembles primary Syphilis, and I'm terrified again.

    But mostly I'm just sick of my own bullshit and my own pathetic, inauthentic life. I lie and cheat and threaten the stability of my family. My relationship with my wife is sometimes problematic, but I love my kids so goddamn much. WAY more than I love myself, and I just want to become a better man. For them.

    Maybe with some help from you guys I can do it. In any case, thanks for reading.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there and welcome to the suicide forum.

    I read your post twice and had to look up whatr monogamy meant *shy*

    I think it is time you told your wife about it OR stop cheating and go on from there, your kids will always be in your life. I get that you love them as much as you love life itself so please do not harm yourself. We have all made mistakes. I will admit I contracted an STD when I was very young (I'd rather not say which one, it's gross, thats also made me feel compelled to reply because I can relate) but it doesn't define who you are or what the outcome of things will be. Some STD's can have lasting effects others can be cleared up in one go (mine was) I was lucky.

    We will try and support you the best we can. You chose yourwife so try and stick with that option and let things run their course, are you actually diagnosed with the STD or is it just a scare for now?

    I wish you all the luck in the world!
  3. Aphorism

    Aphorism Well-Known Member

    I honestly think it's unfair to say you "chose your relationship" with your wife, when really you stopped swinging with her and started cheating. I am not judging you, but I think you should acknowledge that it may be better to reconsider. I think you should try at least separating from your wife for the time being. Maybe seek couples counseling. But you can still be a father to your children, regardless of the relationship you have with your wife. I think it would just be better to start being honest with her, and that may mean having to accept that she can not totally fulfill you as a sexual partner, because you do not seek just a monogamous sexual relationship.
  4. SinSentido

    SinSentido Member

    Your struggle is real, aphor. I'm faithful to my wife, but I cheated on every single girlfriend before her. I remember the euphoria of the chase and conquer. I knew that if I was going to start a relationship with this one, I'd have to mature at a rapid pace. I did, and am a better man for it.

    I suppose I would recommend some sex addiction therapy. IDK if it is even real, though. Could just be some secret celebrity code phrase. Maybe just regular therapy, or group. I hope you can figure it out. I know living a lie hurts.

    Peace, brother.