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asking for help

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thanks theonlyone

its such a mush, you know? just mush. and to take oneself out of the equation appears attractive to me, even just the thought. just not to have to deal, struggle, wonder how crazy i really am, worry, be judged etc.

do you think our lives are scripted for us? what choices do we have?

are we going to meet those who have already passed, if we pass too? all i want is an opportunity to apologize to this one person.....

i dont want to go through this right now, i dont want to have to watch someone die. its the unknown stuff - when, how much longer, what will it be like - thats hard to deal with

when one has self hatred, loathing, self doubt and so much fear, is it worth it? was i the reason for the abuse? why didnt i stop it all?

why cant thoughts just evaporate?

as i said, its a mush.


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write out the mush...it really REALLY helps to un-mush things and make you feel better if you just write it out...don't make an effort to write coherently...just write everything in your head...for me, i can't write as fast as my head talks, but i can type that fast...so i write emails addressed to an old friend and send them only to myself (i feel dumb addressing myself or addressing a journal/computer screen, so i address someone else)...

write emails to yourself...write out your mush here...we'll read/listen and help you make sense of it...

and about the person you wish to apologize to...write out a letter to them...if they're still around, you don't have to send it...

just write...

(also, it sounds like you have a lot of guilt...that is my BIGGEST issue...i have SERIOUS guilt, to the extent that i never lie or take anything i didn't earn/deserve [like when ppl accidentally give me too much change back]...my therapist made me convince myself that "it's not my fault" by making me repeat that to myself throughout the week...oddly, it is kinda working...try it!)
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