Asking for trouble

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by solarflare, Oct 12, 2015.

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  1. solarflare

    solarflare Well-Known Member

    I was having what most people might say is a slightly stressful day at work but with my coping threshold these days it felt extremely stressful.

    On my drive home all I did is play all my trigger songs and vividly fantasise about going through the actions of suicide. I was tempted to turn the car around and actually do it but part of me just wanted to go home. It's now like a drug, something I resort to to feel good.

    It felt so good I came home in a good mood. I felt so alive and so in control of everything. i can't emphasise how in control I felt and still do.

    I am in control. No one else. Me. And no one other than you guys reading this knows about it.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    (hugs) to you. It can feel good knowing we are in control but it's a dangerous state of mind to be in in my opinion, others might feel differently. What if you had not gone home and it all went too far? We are in control of what we do but try not to play god with your life, it's dangerous :( While it is comforting to know we are in control be weary of what could happen. Good luck to you =)
  3. solarflare

    solarflare Well-Known Member

    I'm not scared anymore. Dying doesn't scare me, living does.
  4. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Solarflare, I too am not afraid of dying, Again! I Had/ have Flat-lined, I will not be brought back again, Hydrogen Sulfide!
    it displaces all Oxygen from your Body, It was fast, Silent, no odor out of 7 people that went down from it, I was the only Fatality according to the radio, I was the last taken out, the first to go down! I got 3 broken ribs from the revive efforts 100 ppm will kill birds we had 1300 ppm. The one person that tried to help me when others tried to run, is paralyzed from the waist down, they broke his back trying to bring him down 7 flights of stairs! I have lived with that for over 25 years now!
    I am DNR now,
    I never ever want to be there or go through that again! I guess I can Identify SolarFlare!
  5. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    Hold on Solarflare, I know how comforting the thougt that we can end our own life can be and how easy it can become a habit. When I'm in your state of mind I tell myself that I know I'm going to die eventually anyways, so I might as well stick around a little longer just for a few more pleasant moments: Moments like seeing a pretty sunset, laughing or making a friend laughs, a smile from a pretty girl, a happy song on the radio, etc. Remembering those moments always reminds there is still some joy to be squeezed out of life before it's over. Anyways good luck and watch those bad thoughts, petal is right they are dangerous if they become a habit. Please reach out to any of us here if you are feeling too down or just want some company:)
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