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Asking him back

Discussion in 'I Need Some Practical Advice' started by Jolene, Feb 12, 2018.

  1. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member


    I need advice now.
    As some of you may know, I'm in love with my ex after a year. I told many things in my story but I post here the whole story since break up until now.
    We lived in different tows but near (one hour and a half by train), but distance was a problem for him. After breaking up (it started as a pause but... Even though, we needed that pause, in the last month I've been negative and needy) we kept texting each other. At first almost everyday, then he became distant, I didn't text him for a month and after that (spring) he started to feel more comfortable with me. During summer we texted each other a lot, once a week or more. He let me know that our connection was still there and that he still felt very attracted to me. He even texted sometimes telling that he had been looking at my photos before going to sleep. And for this birthday he ask me to sending a pic of me, as a gift (I did it and I sent him something more, an special gift that I've bought to him when we were together but he broke up with me before I gave it to him. He was amazed). Everything was going fine, I know it now, but then I couldn't see it.
    But then it happened. I was about moving to his town for studies and I told him...And he told me that he was moving across the country, to his favorite city. I was devastated. I wanted to meet before he moved and he agreed. We even talked about what would happen when we saw each other and he told me "whatever it happens, a coffee, a dinner, a hug, a kiss...it doesn't mean that it is the last of us. We'll always have more opportunities to have more". But that meeting never happened. He had a chance to move earlier and didn't have time (he could have made it, but it wasn't the first time: each time I went to his city after the break up, he avoided to see me). So before he moved, we talked, he admitted that he had missed me and I decided to tell him that when I knew that I was going to live in the same town I thought about us, that we deserved more, that we still had the connection and that I wished we could have had another chance. He told me that he wasn't moving forever, just a few months (he wasn't relocated or something, he went for living the adventure) and that we could have that conversation again when he was back, but that I made him smile with what I said and he was very happy to know it. (it wasn't the first time after the break up he told me that I made him happy).
    So he moved and we started to text less. It was almost always me initiating. In my bday, he was the first one in texting me, just at 00.00. And we got stucked in a strange zone between friends and hard flirting.
    Then I traveled to his new city to visit friends. I told him a week before but he didn't read my message on time (sometimes he left me unread for days and another times he answered in minutes, it was a roulette). When he answered, I was there already and I only had a free night but he had to work. Ok, that's true but if he had read me before, we could have arranged a meeting. After I came back, I didn't text him, since he didn't read my last text. Ten days after, he texted me telling me that he was ashamed to text for having failed me when I went there. He stated that he obviously wanted to see me "and not only see you, in case you have any doubt". I don't undesrtand why he always avoids meeting in person but keeps texting me when he had lots of chances of stopping, for example that time or another I will tell following.
    We texted a bit for Christmas, flirting-friends and then, as my psychologist suggested, I stop initiating. After 30 days, he texted. He was warm and flirty, and even suggesting something we could do together at distance (watching our favorite tv show, which we watched by distance and in person when we were dating). I answered him the following day and he texted back after 10 days, asking me a lot of questions (I loved that when we started dating and he knows it. He even asked for the first time how I was doing in his town, now that I study there). I answered (it was last Friday), and still no response.
    I'm always anxious, fearing that he met another girl, and until now I was always wrong. But now... I don't know. He went to a party on Saturday and... I'm scared, very scared.

    The thing is (and sorry for the super long post, I wanted to explain our story) that according to my psychologist and myself, I need to tell him how I feel and ask him for another chance. She thinks that must be face to face but as I told, that seems impossible,, He doesn't want to see me face to face, despite he says. So I need help. What can I say to him to convince him that it's better to be with me at distance that with another girl in his same city? We have a lot in common, we still have that connection and...we were special, I can't deny it, and probably he can't either. But distance. And if he has just met another girl (I hope it's only my imagination as always BUT. And I have to be prepared for the worst scenario)... I don't know if he is planning to come back soon, he said "a few months" and he left here his family and his pets (the most important things to him). And I wouldn't mind moving to his new city if neccesary, it's been my favorite city since I was 16 (well, now I hate it a little bit because it hurts) and some of my best friends live there. But that plans doesn't matter now, I need him to give me another chance and I don't know what to say to him for making him remember who we were and how happy I used to make him (and, as I told before, even after the break up).
    My stage now was not texting until he does but I asked for an earlier appointment with my psychologist (this week, Wednesday or Thursday) in order to move forward and be able to text him first. I need to have two or three light conversations to set the mood before I tell him everything and asking for another chance. And with that conversations I could feel if he has meet somebody or not. And then...jump. Asking him for a second chance.

    Any advice or feedback?

    PLEASE, DON'T TELL ME TO GIVE UP AND MOVE ON, NOT NOT, I HAVE TO TRY AND I'M LOOKING FOR THE BEST WAY. Moving on it's something that I don't think I could never do, he is the love of my life. But now what I'm trying to do is getting him back and this is my last chance. I hope it isn't too late, but I am afraid that it is if he met someone.

    If you read until here, BIG THANK YOU and sorry for being so tiresome.
  2. JulieDegraw

    JulieDegraw Well-Known Member

    You've been together before. He knows you so I doubt that there's anything "different" you can do. He seems to be avoiding you "sorry to say" if he really wanted you back he would have taken the time to meet up when the opportunity was there. But he didn't. So yeah, he moved on.
  3. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    Well, my bad, I shoud have known that the response will be that.
    I don't know how to answer, I've got some reasons for keeping believing in this but... now I feel that they're useless.
    Thank you for your sincerity
  4. JulieDegraw

    JulieDegraw Well-Known Member

    I know the truth often hurts but I'd rather give you an honest outside perspective than just telling you what you want to hear. What good would that do you.

    I'm sorry this happened to you. It IS the worst feeling.
    Deety likes this.
  5. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    So nobody will believe in me. No chances. Never again. I dont understand why he kept texting me and saying that he thinks about me or that he was looking at my pictures or that he... Nevermind. Maybe... Maybe he lost his phone months ago and it's somebody else's fooling with me. The truth is that he hadn't texted in or common chat group in months. Maybe. I don't know what to think. Nothing has ever matter, he forgot about me the second he bbroke up with me, I guess.

    Thank you, now I feel worse becasise nobody of my friends or even my therapist told me that it isn't a single possibilty and never will. They say that was difficult but sometimes they saw positive things happening but... It was all lies. I don't know who to trust anymore.
    At least you've brave enough. I guess that there's few people like you. Thank you, for real
  6. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    One of the consistent themes about relationships is that in order for them to work, you have to want to be in them, but not need to be in them.

    When you can't live without someone, you're not capable of relating to them in a healthy way.

    It's understandable for someone to be sad for a little while after a breakup, but the fact that you have been in such distress for so long is a clear sign that something is wrong.

    If you really feel like he is the one and only person for you, and that you could never love or be in a relationship with someone else, I think that's ok for you to chose that. What's not ok, and really unhealthy, is to feel like you can't be ok and can't live without him.

    If you are able to reach a point where you feel you are truly ok being without him, you feel like you can go on and live and have a fulfilling life and not be suicidal without him, that is the point when you will finally be able to have a healthy relationship with him.

    So the way I see it, the way to fix things is to work on yourself.

    Maybe you could remind me of any treatment methods that you've tried so far. There might be some things that you could try doing that you are not doing now.
    Deety, brightlight and JustLovely like this.
  7. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    I don't know what to say but...I will try. First of all, thank you for your response and words.
    I think I have commited a big mistake, I only tell about the break up. You only know me after that, desperate and in pain. SO, first of all, I want to tell something:
    When we were together I was insecure, yes, my insecurities were there before. I should have gone to therapy a few years ago and I didn't want, I even got angry when somebody suggested it to me. I was fool. If I had gone.... Because our relationship "ended" (it started as a pause but...) when I got too negative and insecure, without reasons. But before that, despite my insecurities...I was the one to be conquered. I liked him from the very begining, before we started to talk privately, but he had to conquer me. And during most part of our relationship, he was the one fighting for us. For me, for making me trust and believe in us. Which I did. I wasn't dependant, I have way more social life than him and he loved that I was like that. We lived in different cities so when I weren't together, I wasn't always lin home texting him. No, I had dinners, parties,quiz nights...And then I came back home and tell him about that. I was happy with him but I didn't need to be in contact 24/7. As a matter of fact, at the end, when I became clingy, well..I lost him.
    Why am I explaining that? Because it may seem that I was the typical clingy girl who droves herself crazy when he went to a party and left her friends and hobbies for him. Not at all. This girl you read are the broken one, the one who has spent a year without the love of her life and can't take it anymore. But I wasn't so weak, controlling or anything you call me in your mind. Which I understand. But no. I was my best self, the one befor him plus the warm, the affection, everything I didn't gave to anyone before, nor ex, nor family, nor friends. They knew and know that I love them but I'm not affectionate. Only he take this out without trying.Only with him I was more myself than ever.
    I feel like I have been cold all my life. And then I got a blanket. And now the blanket is still not here and I'm freezing moe than ever. My desperation is only because the happiness he gave me. This is awful but before him, I've never been happy. I wasn't this mess, obviously. I was "normal" but feel sad inside. Not as now, but I never felt 100% fine. Until him. I know that it is impossible to understand but I've tried to explain.

    You ark me about the methods I tried. Well, I tried antidepressives, nothing happened (and I don't really like taking meds, I have a weak health, I have had enough), I have sleeping pills but it doesn't work, I fall sleep when I would normally do. I'm in therapy and my psychologist tried EMDR with me since June. Nothing. Nothing works for me. Furthermore, I started something academic I've been fighting for for years. I still don't know how I'm passing, because I'm not enjoying. I keep spending time with friends, I rarely say no to a plan (if I do it is because I'm physically ill). I kept doing everything like before and I enjoy nothing. This is a nightmare and I feel terrbly guilty for not being content with my life. I'm a sick monster, I know.

    Sorry for the long response
  8. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    It's easy to say in retrospect what was right to do, but everyone makes mistakes. Please don't say bad things about yourself.
    I'm not calling you weak or controlling in my mind
    Not being well doesn't make you a monster, it just means that you have find the right treatment to get better.

    You don't have to feel guilty. Maybe someone looking on the outside wouldn't understand, but what you feel is what you feel.

    You may want to take a look at the links in my signature. There may be some treatment methods there worth trying
    Jolene likes this.
  9. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    Thank you @may71 I will read them.
    I know that you didn't mean that but I imagine what I look like. And I feel guilty, I can't help it. And this is forever... I can't go on.
    Tomorrow I'll see my psychologist, I don't know what is going to say to me
  10. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    Let us know what happens with the "last try"...
    ...but sincerely, people break up, get divorced and shit every single day on this planet and they live past it. And you know what else? VERY rarely are they still thinking "wow, I really screwed myself by leaving that guy" or "I should've stayed with" that person. relationships just have a way of moving forward in life, because with each progressive person you find another trait or two that you like in them and build on it. I was with someone for more than 13 years and that sucked to end but now I'm married again and things are great. Did I think that was going to happen at the time? Hell no. Not even a little. I felt just like you do now. People get destroyed by these things.. but there's a light out there too.
    So go! Give it your all. Throw everything you've got at this last shot at him. Tell him how you feel, tell him things are better. But then know you'll be ok if they arent.
    Deety and Jolene like this.
  11. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    I don't feel like trying anymore. I've lost my courage with this post. Glad I asked, I am stupid, even if he said...doesn't matter. If everybody sees clearly that he will never be back and never think of me and I am bound to fail, I'm not trying. So, thank you. But I lost my almost inexistent hope. He never cared and never will
  12. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    No you're not.
    I don't think that everybody sees it that way. You very well may succeed in getting him back, it's just that there is an irony that you have to learn to be ok without him in order for the relationship to work.
    Sounds like he did care at least a little. Maybe he will care even more later.
    Jolene likes this.
  13. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    After posting it here and reading the responses I don't believe anything anymore. "Strangers" are the most sincere people, I guess. I don't believe in myself regarding this and I don't even believe anything about us. Everything is lost from the day one. It's impossible
  14. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Not only is it the case that not everyone sees it this way, we don't know what the future of your relationship to him is.

    The way I see it, nothing is guaranteed. But if you are able to work on yourself and reach a point where you are ok being without him, that is the point where your chances of getting back to a lasting relationship with him are the highest.

    So if you really want to get back together with him, getting to that point of being ok is the thing to focus on.

    I think this can still happen Jolene, it's just that you have to do some work to get there.
    Jolene likes this.
  15. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    But I can't, that's the problem. This year after the break up has been the worst of my life, and it's not that my life has been easy and happy, I'm anxious all day, I am worried, overthinking, crying with fear... If I could live happily without him, I'd not be like this...and I wouldn't love him. But I love him, this is why I care. And... I don't even know what to say
  16. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure what would help the most right now. Sometimes it's necessary to just experience grief and loss, but it seems like you're stuck there now.
    There may be some treatment methods that you can add that would help.

    CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy) might be a good type of therapy for you, since negative self-talk seems to be one of the problems that you are facing.
    I'm sorry that you're suffering so much. The thoughts and emotions that you are having are in themselves things that are draining. Learning to calm your heart and mind might help you. A meditation practice might be one way to do that.

    Sunday16 has made some specific recommendations about a meditation app and some other things.
    My perspective is that what you are experiencing is a combination of emotions and processes going on on a physical level. Getting better will probably require trying out different treatment methods. Something has to change in order for things to get better.

    I'd specifically recommend giving up sugar, alcohol, coffee and caffeine, and citrus juices.

    The dietary recommendations in my signature links, as well as acupuncture and Chinese herbal medicine could help a lot as well.

    Joining a yoga or meditation class could be good for you, maybe one of your friends would like to join you in going.

    I hope that something can help!
    Jolene likes this.
  17. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    Thank you for everything.
    I practise yoga but it's not helping. Leaving me alone with my thoughts is even worse. I keep trying but...
    About the diet recommendations: I don't have coffee, gave up alcohol a few months ago (since I lost so much weight, I stop being resistant to the alcohol effects, so I don't drink anymore). About sugar and juices... Well, when I'm at my worse days, I barely eat. So whenever I feel like eating something, I try, because who knows when will I feel like eating something again. So I listen to my body and give it what it asks. Normally olives or something salty: I have a veeery low blood pressure, which went worse last months and olives use to save me from fainting.
    I try to take care of myself but I'm still not getting better. The problem is still there and there is only one cure. Nothing I could do will give me my miracle so I'm broken forever
  18. JulieDegraw

    JulieDegraw Well-Known Member

    I sincerely doubt that acupuncture, chinese herbs or quitting citrus juices will mend a broken heart, or anything else for that matter.
    Jolene likes this.
  19. Deety

    Deety SF Supporter

    I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I truly believe you won't be 'broken forever', and I think you deserve someone who doesn't play games with your emotions. The texting delays and not seeing you in person sound like he likes knowing you are there for him even though he isn't there for you.
    Jolene likes this.
  20. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    I feel that. The wound is there and for me, doing certain things, the same as "get a makeover" "go out to party" ... It's like covering that wound with glitter. As a matter of fact, I hate the "stop thinking about it" thing. I feel like I'm ignoring the problem. I use a metaphot: It's like my house is burning. So, I can't enertain myself ironing dresses, the house is burning and ignoring the problem will only kill me