Asking him back

Discussion in 'I Need Some Practical Advice' started by Jolene, Feb 12, 2018.

  1. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    Thank you. Yes, I guess he never liked me. I must confess that...after posting this and getting all the responses (my friends and my psychology used to see certain positive things and advances, but they lied to me, I guess) something happened to me: I don't believe in myself with this anymore. I'm starting to think I imagined all our story, that we never dated or something like that. I feel him like a platonic love who never looked at me.
    The feeling of being ied to from my friends and psychologist, who pointed to the negative things but also to the positive (even if I didn't see them) make me want to die. They told me that there was a light, an opportunity, difficult but that he did care about me in his own way and...too long to explain. But here I saw that they lied to me. He never cared and never will. As a matter of fact he texted me a few hour ago but I guess it was because he is bored or...I don't know, something negative. There's no hope and never will be
  2. Ash600

    Ash600 SF Creative SF Supporter

    It's not really a case of "ignoring the problem" but more like giving yourself a break from it perhaps? Also, it may help to show that there is so much more to life out there if you allow it.
    Jolene likes this.
  3. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    I tried, I have been a year like this. I never stop going out with my friends, I started new studies (I still don't know how I am passing), I go to the movies, I do everything I used to do. But nothing consoles me. And now this is a dead end because I even can't tell him anything, I don't believe my own friends and therapist or myself and I'm even more destroyed. This not going better, on the contrary, each week is worse and the last days have been the hell itself.. And there's worse to come
  4. Deety

    Deety Well-Known Member

    I'm sure at one point your relationship was better, but from how he's treating you now I don't think it's healthy to hold onto it. I don't think your friends and psychologist would have lied to you, they know you and the relationship better than we do. However, I think friends sometimes see the good things their friend wants them to see, and ignore the bad behaviour (from your ex) because they think it would hurt their friend to draw attention to it.
    Nevertheless I know the feeling that you imagined it all. This is similar to my feelings about my ex and my old life, that it was all a pretence on his part.
  5. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    My friends told me the bad things, as a matter of fact a year ago when he was being distant, tehy told me not to text him and I didn't do it until a month later and then supposedly things started to get better, we started to text more, wth him initiating most of the times and...well, doesn't matter. I suppose they decided to lie me ina curious way: telling the bad and inventing the good, since here you all (strangers, with nothing to loose or win, so, sincere 100&%) see clearly that he doesn't care and he is using me for his ego and taking advantages or...well, everything bad I can imagine. The reasons of my psychology for lying to me last weeks when she said that things were getting better I don't know yet, scam or something, I don't care. If I hadn't ask here I would have tried to confess my feelings just as she told me to, but now I've lost all, I would be ridiculous and... Well, I feel stupid because you all see it clear and it's not only that I'm broken but I was lied to by my friends and psychologist when it's clear that he had never thought about me anymore and I'm stupid crying and receiving fake positive feedback from him. I'm ashamed and broken and I don't know how I will manage my next therapy appointments or talk to my friends about it knowing that they lied to me or are blindsided (only about see positive things, the negatuve they told me too but those are the truth, no point of light there)
  6. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    No, we don't all have the same opinion
    What we know is pretty limited. At best we could only make guesses about what his feelings and motives are or were.

    You really seem to give yourself a lot of negative messages. I really feel like a learning to counter those could help you a lot.
  7. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    You don't know that
    Please stop saying so many negative things

    What about trying CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy)?
  8. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I'm sure you do sincerely doubt it. However, how you feel about it, or how I feel about it, does not prove or disprove it.

    There are many scientific studies that support the efficacy of acupuncture and Chinese herbal medicine

    Acupuncture has been endorsed by the World Health Organization for treating a variety of conditions

    Over 1.5 billion people are served by acupuncture and Chinese herbal medicine, making it the second largest medical system in the world.

    It is fully integrated into the Chinese and Japanese healthcare systems

    It might be worthwhile to have some debate about this, but any debate would belong in another thread
  9. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    Thank you @may71
    I'm in EMDR therapy and it's not working. The goal was telling him how I feel and then keep going with that, tht's what y psychology suggested and I was willing I said, I've lost my courage after reading the truth here and I don't know what to tell her when I have my next appointment.
    I can't help negative thoughts and here you all gave me the truth about my story so...if before was almost impossible for me finding the positive things (the ones that my friends and psychologist pointed to, even if they told me the negatives too), now I don't believe them. So... I'm lost and stucked and I don't know what to do now
  10. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Maybe you could talk to your therapist if you feel like it's not working

    You seem to have an exaggerated view of our abilities to see the truth and tell it like it is

    I also don't see any place where anyone said the negative things that you said we did. Can you quote the parts that lead you to feel so negative?
  11. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    "Stragers" are the most sincere people since they don't win or loose everything. You all told me to move on, that he's not interested, that he doesn't care abour me, that he's toying with me and all... I don't feel like reading this again, not now. You wouldn't lie to me, so...
    About talking to my therapist, I can, but she insist on me telling him how I feel, that it was my idea initially, but I don't feel like doing it anymore because I feel stupid. That was a neccesary step and now I won't be able to. I started this post exactly for that and...well, we all read what happened. I had doubts about how to do it or what to say and... The general response was "move on, that's a dead end". So I can't do it (nor moving on but that's another story) and I don't know what to do now. Changing the therapy can be an option but she wouldn't be happy about the fact that I'm going to avoid the thing that was required and myself wanted to do. But...not anymore since...I feel stupid and hopeless
  12. JulieDegraw

    JulieDegraw Well-Known Member

    Start a new thread. Point me towards the evidence claimed and I'll be happy to debate you.
  13. Paisley

    Paisley a pattern made of minty teardrops

    As yet another stranger, let me throw my 2 cents in. You are putting way too much weight on yourself. I understand that it's something you probably can't control, but be kind to yourself as if you were a friend of yours. If a friend were going through this situation, what would your advise to them be? If it would be to contact him and have a heart to heart where you explain exactly what you've been going through, then do that. If it would be to hope you can repair your broken heart given time, then do that. We here can only say what we would do in your shoes, and you can only do what you think is the right course of action.
  14. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    I'm not a good example since I always encourage my friends to fight for love. And I tell them that the guy will come back, because I feel it. 100% success. Until now, I was always right. With my friends. Everybody's exes come back, except for mine. But that's it, if a friend is in love, my advice is keep fighting. So I'm not a good example. I really need to know what is seen from aside and...well, it's clear what is seen. My friends saw positive things, not only negative, but as somebody told me here, they were lying to me or to themselves, seing what they wanted to see. Even my psychologist saw an advance last month, supposedly. She is lying to me, I guess. Because here, a bunch of strangers with nothing to loose or win, everyone with their own experience and personality, see the same: that I'm nothing to him, he doesn't care about me and want nothing to do with me, or, if so, only toying with my emotions. I don't believe this is a conspiration or something so, as I said, a bunch of different people without any interest in lying to me see that. It's clear as water
  15. Paisley

    Paisley a pattern made of minty teardrops

    Here's the thing, though: we can't read his mind, and neither can you. Doesn't he deserve a chance to speak for himself?
    may71 likes this.
  16. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    Anybody would say "if he wanted to be with you, he would be. He didn't want to meet, he doesn't respond your messages in days sometimes...he's not interested". So...
  17. JulieDegraw

    JulieDegraw Well-Known Member

    I think his actions spoke for him when he had many opportunities to meet up in person but either didn't respond or made excuses as to why he couldn't make it.
  18. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    Yes, of course. I stopped texting him and he texted me as my psychologist says "with a bigger level of compromise" but with all the data from here, I prefer not to think why. Something negative, for sure.
    So my situation is hopeless, not a single positive thing
  19. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I guess anyone without a bias or agenda is more capable of being objective, but it's not necessarily the case that a stranger is that. We also only know the information that you gave to us. Someone who actually met him in person would have something independent to go on.

    Sometimes strangers are biased by their own experiences, bitterness, or cynicism, so please don't put too much weight on what any one person says.

    That's not true. I didn't tell you to move on. Walkerbait said words to the effect that people sometimes are able to move on, even when it doesn't seem like that is possible.
    I think comments Julie made indicated that he has avoided you. I would agree that it sounds like at times, he has avoided you. But he has also tried to make contact. It sounds to me like he has mixed feelings.

    I don't see anyone saying that.

    As Paisley said
    Ultimately, whether you believe that he ever loved you, or if he loves you now still is something that you have to decide in your own heart. No stranger is going to be able to know that for you.

    I think there still is a chance, but not a guarantee, that you can get back together with him some day.

    I suspect that he did have feelings for you and does have feelings for you now, but your dependency drove him away.

    If you want to get him back, then you have to work on yourself to get to the point where you are no longer dependent. It's only if you reach the point where you are not dependent on him that you will be able to have a healthy relationship.

    No matter what path you want to take, making life better has to start with learning to no longer being dependent on him.
    Jolene likes this.
  20. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Don't tell me what to do. Start your own thread and point yourself toward anything you want to claim.