Asperger Syndrome

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Jon K, Dec 20, 2008.

  1. Jon K

    Jon K Guest

    I'm 21 and just realized that I have it. I never really read up on it until now. Everything seems to fit the bill. I already knew I was awkward, but now I know that there's a scientific classification with the term, "syndrome", attached to it, that describes behavior that I thought was just me. My hell is that I know that I annoy the shit out of people with my extremely narrow focused topics of interest, I know that I weird people out with my awkward mannerisms, and it just sucks. I had a fucking class called, "Technology and Human Values", where I had to give a presentation. Not only the teacher, but the entire class, judged the speech. After it was graded, I got like 30 cards back from all the students that had criticisms on it. One of the things graded was none other than eye contact. Everyone was highly critical of my lack of eye contact. I find it impossible to make eye contact towards individuals for extended periods of time, let alone to an entire class. I don't want special treatment, but it is rather frustrating. People interpret this as shy and inconfident. Before I really took these social deficiencies seriously, I was very confident in myself. The true lack of confidence I've developed isn't, at all, a symptom of this "disorder". The fact that I look as if I lack confidence(the appearance is an actual symptom) to other people and that this does, in fact, effect the way people treat me, causes me to actually loose confidence in myself (I wanna be clear. This internal lack of confidence isn't a symptom, its just a result of the symptoms). Its really bizzare.

    Another symptom is that people with this disorder can come off as cold and un-empathetic. Its bizzare, but body language and complex physical displays of emotion, which are second nature for most people and taken for granted, are impossible for me to pull off.Since its really hard for me to convey body language, I also appear cold and emotionless to people. Since facial emotions are extremely engrained in most people, there's an illusion that they really do dictate how empathetic a person is. They're, simply, just hardwired indicators and signals. For some reason, its malfunctioned in me. I know that true empathy and caring is something entirely different. How you behave and what you say has aboslutely no bearing on how you treat other people. People suspect the emotionless, like I, of being the evil sociopaths. In reality, sociopaths know how to manipulate other people by displaying false, emotional signals. Don't listen to what people say, bodily or verbally; Look at how they actually treat other people. Ive figured out how to read body language, but when I try to express the same body cues at the appropriate times, it looks canned and off key. I really have no concept of why certain body cues mean certain things. I know that certain physical emotions in a body language indicate certain things, but I just don't know how to convince other people that I understand it like they do. Its sorta like how an adult learning a second language knows enough to get by, but they don't get all the nuiances of the language and how to speak it without a thick, funny accent. The bottom line is that I make people feel uncomfortable, and there's hardly anything I can do about it.

    I feel socially isolated. I want to understand this social language. I want to be normal. It depresses me that I can't. The funny thing is that these social concepts are relatively new to me. I had to kind of think about it. The worst thing is that I, not only look cold at times, but I look shy and naive. People are always trying to pull wool over my eyes, because I look vulnerable. I'm really not. I'm actually a very critical person, probably more critical than most. This really effects my relationship with women. I've had sex before, but I haven't had a long lasting relationship. I've been made fun of before by my friends and family. Like my Dad and my friends didn't believe me that I'm not a virgin anymore. They asked me the question, and I answered with honesty, but they just didnt believe me. Plus, the girl that fucked me might as well have been some weirdo that fucks retards. To most girls, being socially retarded is almost as bad as being a full blown mentally handicapped person. My traits, the appearance of low self esteem, child like naivity, being devoid of emotion, are extremely unattractive to the prospect of being passed on to a new generation. I'd like to find a woman as weird as me, but that's pretty rare, being that the female to male ratio that carries this disorder, is mostly male. I'm thinking of killing myself, because it sucks so hard. I feel like I wasn't meant for this world.
  2. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Somebody in my family thinks he may have Asperger Syndrome. I assure you it doesn't make you a freak or unfit for this world. Blind people are also incapable of picking up body language, deaf people are incapable of picking up tonal variation, and depressed people are unable to pick up most positive emotions from other people.

    Friends like to give their pals a hard time. Especially if they're younger. Maybe your father is just awkward around the idea of you losing your virginity. Or he's a jerk. :smile: And while you may not meet the perfect girl who suffers Asperger at the same level you do, I'm certain you'll meet somebody. There's six billion people in this world, and like it or not, nobody is that unique :smile:

    Anyhow, talking to depressed and suicidal people should help you out. We who suffer from severe depression have a really difficult time connecting with other people--we aren't critical of other people, we just can't accept that they may like us.

    The study of kinesthetics or body movement, may be too clinical for any practical use. Have you a therapist or counselor you could talk with?

    Welcome to the forum,

  3. Jon K

    Jon K Guest

    Thanks for the reply. I haven't really thought about it that way. You're right. They were probably just giving me a hard time. I'm being kinda hard on myself and the girl. I was reading up on female spouses with husbands who have Asperger's syndrome, and, apparently, it can be very difficult. They can become so absent minded that they forget to do basic things, like take their kids to school. I've done some absent minded things but don't think that bad. Like, I've noticed that it happens under pressure. I've made a note of this and really don't want it to get out of control. Maybe their husbands have a more acute variation of it and they really can't control it, but I really care about what happens with it. I've also had breakdowns that a normal, sane person just wouldn't have. I've never hurt anyone, but I've hurt myself. I think my episdodes of absent mindedness have went down quite a bit. They sorta peaked my senior year of highschool. I saw what I was doing and tried to avoide such episodes. I kind of mitigate it with a protocol of things I have to do in those situations.
  4. JBird

    JBird Well-Known Member

    I think you should go to the doctor instead of diagnosing it yourself. My friend Nicky had a very mild form of aspergers that he couldn't handle, he had no help. My best friend's sister has a more serious form of asperges but they've been trying to diagnose it for 7 years, finally after meeting the right 'head doctor' (don't know what his official title is) they were given the diagnosis.

    Asperges doesn't have a definate list of symptoms, the symptoms are widespread and lead to different syndromes and disoders that are related to autism or asperges.

    Go to the doctor, tell them what you think it is and make them run the tests, don't diagnose yourself, it could be something completely differently that can be put right whereas asperges is a full term disability.
  5. black dove

    black dove Well-Known Member

    i was going to say the same thing as JBird. a lot of the things you've described could be attributed to a lack of confidence, or just simple, regular, everyday shyness which a lot of us have. ask a professional for guidance. good luck.