this is going to be a log rant. pace yourselves lol. i don't really think i can blame my mood on any one factor. alot of people on here have problems with debt, family, abuse, relationships etc. this isn't really the case for me. my problem is an intense self loathing that just won't go away. for a long time i've felt alienated, like i just don't belong. i have asperger's syndrome which greatly affects my social ability. there are plenty of people whom i know and get along with but i don't really feel as though i can consider them actual friends or that we really have anything in common. i suppose alot of people consider me boring. my shyness affects not only my social life but my education and, although there's no point worrying about it anyway, my future career prospects. i don't even think my own family really understand me. is this asking too much? should i just be grateful for what i've got? i've generally lived a sheltered life which has made me unprepared ofr the outside world. my intelligence level is high but for some reason i just acn't manage to succeed academically. i did abysmally in my as levels and average at best in gcse. i can't really find any work as my manner and skills are unlikely to impress anybody. i suppose i am kind of lazy. i suppose the reason is my nihilistic outlook on the world which leaves me wondering what the point of doing this or that is etc. my health generally isn't good. i'm slightly overweight and physically tremedously weak. i don't think i really have a very long lifespan. i've started feeling considerably worse the last few months. it's because i've gotten older (i turn eighteen next month). i used to think my issues were just teenage angst and they'd go away but my adolescence is nearly over now and things have gotten considerably worse. i can't really blame my problems on anybody else anymore, i have to take responsibility myself, which has led to alot of guilt. i just honestly can't see my life ever going anywhere. i feel trapped in solitude all the time when i should be going out and accomplishing things. i just want the boredom and hopelessness to go away.