At a crossroads, again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Tom88, Oct 16, 2010.

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  1. Tom88

    Tom88 Member

    I haven't been here in a while, in the past i've posted from time to time so its been roughly 3 or 4 years that i've had to deal with the depression (or at least what I consider depression). I'm in the middle of an educational program that's going to make me lots of money when if I get all the way through it and get a job, and the place that im living at (not my parents, that would never work) is telling me I have 50 days to move.
    I don't think very many people know what it's like to go to school or work every day and hurt on the inside and noone understands the emotional turmoil I feel or go through. I'm so sick of seeing people that get to live through life without taking risks and never fail and just get to live in ignorance while people like me have to try and possibly fail.
    I wanted to make this work, I was going to finish this program but now im at the biggest crossroads i've ever been at in life because the alternative is more realistic than i've ever been close to: suicide.
    Over the last couple of months i've slowly come to realise that noone really cares about anyone else in this world, alot of people only care about themselves and it's the selfishness that really pisses me off but theres absolutely nothing I can do about it and the more I came to realise this, the more I stopped caring and the more things started to make sense that there is no reason for any of this at all. No matter where I go theres always going to be people that hurt me, that make me feel like garbage, and ignoring it isn't going to work anymore. I don't have any support, I don't have any friends or family that care about me, and I certainly don't see any incentive for me to continue this endless bullshit. Personally I think I just want to stop running away and just end every struggle that I have.
    They say that suicide is a permanant solution to a temporary problem, but I think its more like a permanant solution to a lifetime of temporary problems.
    So here I am again, but this time i'm not sure what im asking for... I dont know if im asking for help or if i'm just looking to clarify my reasoning so that I know i'm doing the right thing. Maybe I just want someone to tell me that lifes worth living even though in my mind I know its not true. Maybe I just want friends which I know will never happen. Maybe I want someone to tell me that everything will turn out alright when I already know this. Maybe i'm just looking for someones insight.
    It's not like im jumping to any conclusions, its my experience in my some 22 years of life that just tell me that nothing ever goes away, that after I move out, something else will just piss all over me. Even worse, i'm worried that if I screw up later on i'll end up back in step 1 with less money than I had with no means of ending my life. To be honest, I don't want to do this anymore, im sick of running through problems like a dam rat in a maze to get what I want... I'm human and some people can't recognize that.
    I've got <50 days to make my decision, I know the alternatives of moving out or suicide, but I dont think theres a happy ending to this story anymore... I think i'm about done trying to please everyone.
  2. Tstan

    Tstan New Member

    I feel your pain our situations are similar. For you to care enough to try to make your life better by going to school YOU are worth living for. Not those OTHER people. I think one day you will be someone's inspiration. Your story will help someone!!!
  3. Marz

    Marz Member

    Hi Tom, I can relate to where you’re coming from, I’ve had to go to school/college/university/work whilst hiding my true feelings about things. The strain’s unbearable, particularly when you have to listen to people who have it easy grumble about their lives being so bad (because daddy won’t buy them a new car or something stupid).

    I’ve also reached the same conclusions about people. I guess it depends on if you really need others? My attitude isn’t a particularly healthy one, but you don’t really need anyone else. Whilst being around friends is enjoyable, you can be fine on your own. I’m sure if they’re decent people out there, they feel the same way and that's why you haven't met them yet.

    P.S. Don’t let anyone else set a deadline. You should make choices in your own time. When you set a date it comes around all too quickly, so try to tough it out on your program, and look for somewhere else to live then you might find things a little easier.
  4. Tom88

    Tom88 Member

    I just wish finding a new place to live would be such an easy solution but its not, I go to school fulltime and I hardly make any money at my job, certainly not enough to pay for an apartment or shared room. I dunno...
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