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At any one time, the thing I want the most, is always the one thing I can never get.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Aurora Gory Alice, Mar 4, 2009.

  1. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I'm actually beginning to believe in wicca and the occult, curses and religion more and more because of this, because it seems that my Mum has suffered some of the same fate within her life, and now (as stupid as I know this sounds) I am starting to wonder if my family is cursed.

    In my life - at any one time, the thing I want the most is always the thing I can never achieve, it's not that it isn't within my grasp, sometimes it is, but it's usually snatched away from me at the last minute.
    For instance:

    I studied really hard to go to university (I messed up at school because of depression, so I struggled through an access course), I passed really well and went to university at 23, I even moved in to halls and what not. But within 3 months I had developed a drinking problem and was constantly depressed and hadn't done any assignments, I let my lack of confidence get the better of me as well (friendships - I ended up trying too hard and people saw this and soon the friends I had made began to avoid me) and I dropped out and moved back home.
    I also maxxed out several credit cards and my overdraft during the 18 months months that followed my dropping out so now I have bad credit and a CCJ, so probably can't even apply for another student loan and attempt Uni again.

    Similar things have happened with guys, I've never had a boyfriend, only been with guys for a couple of weeks at a time before they realise they don't actually like me or I don't like them.
    I fell for my best friend when I was about 20/21, he didn't feel the same and now we don't speak anymore because I made it awkward between us.
    I fell hard for another guy a few years ago, he told me (after allowing me to fall for him) that this wasn't a serious relationship just a casual thing and he hoped I knew that, we should both date other people, he also told me he was still in love with his ex and if he was being honest he wanted her back, but because he knew that was never going to happen, he was using me to move on, he told me it's not that he didn't like me but that was all it was between us and so I shouldn't get the wrong end of the stick. He even made out like he was the good guy for making sure I knew all this! Too late, I'd already fallen for him. Why did he wait 2 months to tell me?

    All I really want is a boyfriend but everytime I meet a guy who likes me the feeling isn't mutual and everytime I meet a guy I like - he doesn't like me.

    Friendships are the same, I have no good close friends, only people who use me (for nights out, getting drunk, confiding in about their problems but never listening to mine...) and don't really care about me. The only good friend I have who really cares for me lives a million miles away in the states and I never get to see him, neither of us have enough cash to visit each other either because he has just graduated uni and I am jobless.

    My family and I aren't close, my Mum always whinges that she is depressed as well, which brings me down even more and if I even begin to mention my depression the subject is swiftly changed. My older brother has occasionally made digs at me during silly arguments - using my depression as ammo - like "oh no, we can't do that because you might kill yourself". How can my own flesh and blood be so cruel and heartless, I would never use the things I know about him, that hurt him, as ammunition. They make me feel like such a failure and a disappointment, I love them but I've never been told I'm loved by my Mum (we once had a conversation about this, where she said she had never heard it growing up, but she knew she was loved and I should be aware of them same, even if I don't hear it) and the fact that I have to live with them makes it all the more worse, it actually hurts knowing the people who are usually supposed to love you unconditionally, might - but probably don't. Whoever knows if they have never heard it?

    Work is another thing, all I really want is to find a career and be settled but my lack of confidence stops me from doing so many things, not to mention I am so indecisive I don't even know what I want to do with my life. I used to think I knew but confidence got the better of me and I began to think I wasn't good at it. I recently got a second wind and started applying for lots of jobs - in the middle of a recession. Ha! So now I can't even get an interview.

    Confidence within myself. I'm overweight and just want to be a recluse sometimes because I can't face being around people who are happy and content (I'm jealous), but being a recluse is boring and lonely and deep down it's just not me, I like being sociable and being with people but I can't handle hearing everybodys good news when I have none of my own. So I stay at home and eat to make myself feel better, even though I want to lose weight, I'm eating and putting more on.

    This all sounds very 'woe is me', but I just had to write it down, because it's been building up for so long. :sad:
  2. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    Re: At any one time, the thing I want the most, is always the one thing I can never g

    You sound like me :(

    I know how you feel with the relationship problems. When I was single and coming home by myself all I wanted was someone to snuggle up with and keep them safe from the world.

    He is out there hun, it just might take more time than you realised. The key is patience and in the mean time you can find yourself even more.