At least death will end the pain

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Eleanor, Nov 9, 2011.

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  1. Eleanor

    Eleanor Member

    I not sure how much longer I can go on. Never felt this low before. I don't want to be with my long-term partner any more and I screwed up the one chance I had with the person I did want to be with. He says he can see us being together in the future but I know he's lying. Why would anyone want to be with me, especially after I let him down? The worst part is I haven't seen him in weeks and in two weeks I'll have to see him at work every day. I keep thinking that if I'm dead at least there will be no pain.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun the thing is you don't know what the future will bring We do not have that power Right now just deal with each day one at a time ok and do something special just for you each day even if it is just going out for a coffee going for a nice walk be kind to you hugs
  3. LonerForever

    LonerForever Well-Known Member

    Please don't hurt yourself Eleanor. The person you want to be with might not be lying. What if he is telling the truth? I don't know what has happened but he's saying he can see you being with him in the future even when you believe you have let him down. He obviously doesn't care that you did, as long as you are in his life. If you die there will still be pain. Maybe not for you, but for him. Please keep holding on, if only for him if there is no other reason. Everyone here will support you no matter how bad it gets. Just don't give up :hug:

    If you ever want to talk to someone feel free to inbox me
  4. Eleanor

    Eleanor Member

    total eclipse - I've tried facing one day at a time and doing something for me. I end up feeling better for a short while and then I feel even lower because I know I don't deserve to be happy.

    lonerforever - he say's he means it when he can see us together in the future but he never contacts me or asks how I'm feeling. I know he has his own issues but I think he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings. The thought of having to work side by side with him is just killing me at the moment. I just can't face it.
  5. LonerForever

    LonerForever Well-Known Member

    Maybe hes scared? I know when I had someone who also had issues I was terrified of hurting her. I thought that I would just be one huge trigger to her. It was my constant fear that screwed things up for me and although shes still in my life, I will always regret that I lost the best days of my life so far.

    What if you reached out to him? Just talked through what is bothering you? The core of any long lasting relationship is trust. Things are so much easier when everything is out in the open. I know its intimidating opening up like that, but it might be worth giving it a go.

    Just please don't end your life. I'm begging you. I appreciate how hard it is, I really do. I've been close to ending it so many times. It was only seeing the pain I was causing others because of it that stopped me from doing it. I want to help you, if I can. I might be stranger but I care already :hug:
  6. Eleanor

    Eleanor Member

    lonerforever - we have spoken but only by text messages. I did try to talk to him on the phone but I was too emotional so ended up saying practically nothing. If he isn't lying to be kind, I know at the moment his main issue is trusting me (I left my long-term partner and we were going to get together. But then I panicked and went back to my partner). He says I need to give it time. But the voice in my head keeps telling me I really messed things up and he's just saying that to be kind. I know I shouldn't feel this way because I suggested meeting up before I return to work to clear the air and he said it's a great idea. It's like I can't believe anything he says and I don't why. BUT you have talked me out of doing anything stupid at the moment. Just talking to you has made me feel a little better.
  7. Eleanor

    Eleanor Member

    lonerforever - maybe you're right and he is scared. Scared of hurting me or scared of me hurting him again. I think more than anything it's the fact that I hurt the last person I would ever intend to that's making me so low.
  8. LonerForever

    LonerForever Well-Known Member

    What about talking over something like MSN or Skype? That might help to break the ice a bit. Especially Skype. You don't have to talk about whats bothering you if you don't want to. Just having a normal conversation can do wonders sometimes :)

    I've actually been in that exact situation before. The girl I loved kept going back to her abusive ex instead of being with me. At the time it did confuse me, but it didn't stop me from loving her. This is a big step for you to make. He is right in saying you need time. If you had truly messed things up then he wouldn't be there for you now. He wouldn't say that he could see his future with you. He also seems pretty keen on getting to see you before work. If its still too early for you though then don't worry. Its important to make sure you're making the right decision for you. No one here wants to see you get hurt. This is by no means the end. It might be the beginning of something amazing.

    Good :) I'm glad you're not going to try anything right now. You picked the best word right there. "stupid". Anything that takes you away from us is stupid. Nothing is worth losing you over. The night is darkest just before the dawn, but the dawn is coming :)
  9. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Eleanor, really glad you still a going and kickin'.. if you got puter with a camera and a microphone, yes skype web talk and video is a way that you can be with each other to try it out before work situation.. also if it goes bad you can just logoff and run quickly..

    like LonerForever said here, he probably has his own issues and problems.. scared adn not sure like you i guess.. both of you need something to break the ice and be together for a little bit.. good luck , Jim
  10. Eleanor

    Eleanor Member

    Lonerforever - I'm sorry you went through a similar situation. I can only imagine how painful that must have been. I do know both you and he are right when you say I need time. It's just a scary and overwhelming place to be when you feel this strongly about someone, and I fear that even though he's being very understanding given the way I behaved, he really wants to go running in the other direction.

    Even though I feel incredibly nervous about meeting up with him, if I'm going to prevent myself from ending it all and also be okay enough to return to work I do need to meet up with him. It's something I haveto do. As for the beginning of something amazing, I can only hope for that.

    Thank you for making me sense. I think I'll be hanging around this forum quite a lot over the next few days/weeks.
  11. Eleanor

    Eleanor Member

    jimk - thank you. Need to look into MSN.
  12. LonerForever

    LonerForever Well-Known Member

    It's okay :) I loved her. Sometimes the pain is worth it when it is for someone you would give up your life for. Also.... The pain of living without that person altogether would have been infinitely more painful. I know it's scary. I was scared too. You definitely are not alone though. If he wanted to go running then he would have done that by now.

    I promise you that I'll be here for you over the next few weeks. I'm genuine when I say I don't want you to end your life. I'll try my hardest to make sure you stay.
  13. Eleanor

    Eleanor Member

    lonerforever - I'm not sure how I'd cope if he told me that there would never be any us. I guess like you I'd have to learn to live with the pain or otherwise how would I survive? A scary place, though. I've never felt like this before and it is overwhelming.

    I think/hope you're right about the not running away. He could have told me where to go by now, after all. I guess I'm not going to know where we really stand until we meet up face to face.

    Feel like I've made a friend in you today. Someone who understands what I'm going through and how I feel. So pleased I signed up to the forum. I promise I'll do my best to fight the stupid thoughts.
  14. LonerForever

    LonerForever Well-Known Member

    You have made a friend in me :) I remember how scared and alone I felt. I never ever want you to feel that you're alone. Thank you for that promise, I appreciate how hard it must be for you. My offer from before still stands, you can inbox me whenever you want :) my MSN and Skype details are on my profile too if you ever want to talk to me through either of those
  15. Eleanor

    Eleanor Member

    Had a really bad night but spent time with friends today and my parents, so feeling A LOT better. I realised shutting myself off from everybody is the last thing I should be doing. To anyone out there who is considering suicide please remember there are people who care about you, including complete strangers who you meet on a forum like this. I know there will be times - like last night - where you feel completely alone, but reach out to someone. Tell someone how you are feeling.
  16. Lost_Daughter

    Lost_Daughter Well-Known Member

    Glad to see you are feeling better. We all make mistakes but that doesn't mean we don't deserve happiness, its part of being human:) the important thing is you realize it was a mistake and you can learn from that. Just take things day by day and work on just being friends before trying to rush things. Best of luck to you!
  17. Eleanor

    Eleanor Member

    Lost Daughter - my friend said the same thing to me today. She said I need to get off the guilt trip and forgive myself. My mum also said if things between this person and I are meant to be, it will happen in time.

    Thank you for your support.
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