I am 26 years old. I have never had a relationship before. As a teen I had low self-esteem. Went through periods of suicidal thoughts, then indifference. First time I ever had sex I was 21 years old, with a prostitute. Have had many more prostitutes after that. I didn't want to find a girlfriend at first because I had low self-esteem. Then, when I making money playing poker I tried to convince myself that I didn't need all that relationship bullshit, that I could get sex anytime I want, as well as most other things anytime I want. It was really an empty, hollow feeling. I have stopped playing poker for 2 years now, mostly due to the fact that the games are getting tougher and more regulated, and that the public interest in poker is dying down resulting in less bad players, which is where your winnings come from. I no longer have the lifestyle that I used to have, but it doesn't really bother me that much since I wasn't really happy back then anyways. I am currently a professional skydiver, and I can really say I enjoy what I do. For 2 years since I started skydiving, I didn't really go through any depression, and I was happy. I started to feel lonely, and wanted a companion, someone to be happy with together. I signed up for online dating, without much expectations. I'm kinda introverted and not really a bar/club type of person. Anyways, I met this most perfect girl, who gave me a chance. She's absolutely beautiful, smart, someone I can talk to, someone who is interesting, she really is the girl of my dreams. First time we met, she knew that I didn't make a lot of $$. I drove a shitty car, and yet she liked me anyways. Genuinely liked me. I got myself checked out for any STD's, just to be sure, and I came out clean. So, we tried to make love once, everything was going well until I was overcome with emotion. This girl genuinely wanted to be with me, she is beautiful, smart, the perfect girl. I loved her. ..Then flashbacks of prostitutes, and I felt guilty, and...then I went soft. She said it's okay, to this day I don't know if she meant it. That wasn't the only reason. After looking back, I came to a conclusion. Having never been in a relationship before, having been so indifferent to everything, that when I started to feel again, the feeling was too fast and intense. I only knew this girl for 2 weeks and I loved her so much. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her. If offered the choice of $100,000,000 or her, I'd choose her. I'd die for this girl. When I was with her, I knew I was alive. So saying that I came on too strong is an understatement. I did everything I could think of trying to please her. Flowers, cards, dinners, gifts, massages...everything. I just didn't want to fuck it up because I loved her so much and I wanted this to work out more than anything in the world. I guess my fear came true. I consider myself a fairly confident person. I wouldn't be where I am now if I didn't have that confidence or belief in my own abilities. But my confidence comes from knowledge, preparation, and experience. How could I have had any of that with her? I had never been in a relationship before and I was flooded with all these emotions that were totally new to me. She told me I don't have to try so hard. The signs and hints were all there. I think this was the biggest reason why she decided to dump me. That I came across as clingy, desperate, pathetic. When she dumped me 5 days ago, I cried. For the first time in over 12 years, I cried. Sobbed like a baby under my blanket, it was really pathetic. I think I deserve it. In the end we all reap what we sow. If an innocent person gets raped, or hit by a drunk driver, that's tragic, and not deserved. But for me, everything that happened has happened because of my own decisions, and my own actions. I feel that old familiar feeling of pointlessness, and thoughts of death are surfacing again. I'm just so tired of being me.