At my wits end;

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SashaJade, Oct 31, 2011.

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  1. SashaJade

    SashaJade Well-Known Member

    So Sam how are you doing?

    I’ve come to dread this question. My friend asked me this a few days ago after I left in a rush one night night without explaining why. All I could do was say, yeah I’m doing okay. If only you knew what I really felt.

    If only you knew every thought I have is darker than the last, every thought I have is that of suicide.

    If only you knew I hadn't taken my medication for nearly a month just because I don't see the point, it didn't help me while I was taking it so what is the point in pumping useless medication into my system.

    But I can’t tell you this, so I’ll just keep on pretending that I’m fine, pretending I can cope. I’ll keep on cutting myself up, burning myself and abusing alcohol and drugs just to try and numb this pain.

    I’ll try to keep living, to keep this all from you, cos I know that once you know, nothing will be the same for me. I know what will happen; I know who will find out and where I will end up going, they did this to me last time. There is no way I am letting myself go to that place again. I’d rather die.
  2. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    Oh dear... :hug:

    Is there anything we can do?
  3. SashaJade

    SashaJade Well-Known Member

    I really don't know.
    I'm just tired of pretending.
    Tired of just existing.
    Tired of hurting so much.
    Tired of being stuck like this.

    Tired of living.

    I just don't see an end to this.

    If I dont get stable I dont get my treatment, but if I dont get my treatment I know I will never be stable cos I just cant cope with living stuck in this body.
  4. BK_Jetsfan

    BK_Jetsfan Well-Known Member

    Going thru the same thing. Tears of a clown. Always have to wear a mask around pretty much everyone all the time, and it gets so tiring. And I'm with you on the meds too. Stopped taking them months ago.
  5. SashaJade

    SashaJade Well-Known Member

    :hug: it sucks that you are going through this too hun.
  6. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    Your treatment team are cruel in the fact that they don't give you what you need. You need to become what you've always wanted. A man. They keep denying that you are in need of this type of treatment.
  7. SashaJade

    SashaJade Well-Known Member

    It's not that i'm being denied the treatment, its more the fact that my psychiatrist wants me to be sure this is what I want, and he has got it into his head that i cannot make this decision without beign stable.
  8. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I see you issue... you need the treatment... stable or unstable. I know you'll be happier after the transition. Convincing them is an entirely different animal tho.
  9. SashaJade

    SashaJade Well-Known Member

    Nothing is ever going to convince them how serious I am about this. I may as well just give up now. Giving up is the only way out of this hurt.
  10. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    What a sad state of affairs. I just wish that they would see that you would feel better after the transition.

    They aren't convinced because of your history. They think that you will not be happy, espite what you have told them. It's a game of who folds faster. They really don't want to mess you up even more, is their point of view.
  11. SashaJade

    SashaJade Well-Known Member

    Well I wish they would hurry up and fold before I decide to quit this twisted game completely.
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