At office today trying real hard.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kenb, Aug 23, 2016.

  1. Kenb

    Kenb Member

    So I am at my office today trying real hard not to look suicidal. My logon did not work (I think it's because I am in my office) so I created a new one. When I get home I'll get back to the old one and see why it did not work. I have 3 hours to go to meet with the VP and see if I can find new job here, my old job is history. Right this minute I am stable enough for the meeting, but during the commute here was hell. Several times I wanted to turn around and go back to my bed and day dream. That's what I do dream about what could have been had I not screwed up, and/or killing myself.

    Anyway, I thought I would update for anyone who cares.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, welcome to the forum. We do care as we do not want you suffer on your own. Okay you feel tense at moment but each day depends on you and how you feel on the day. Have you spoken to someone about the way you feel or discussed with medical staff about medication. It's only a suggestion as it will help you.

    Please keep posting as we do care about YOU.
  3. Kenb

    Kenb Member

    I am on my 4th weeks of Prozac. It has not really helped (yet?). I was on if for years and stopped taking it because things were looking good. Then everything crashed, about 4 weeks ago, and I'v been seriously suicidal since. In fact I now have procured everything I need to do it (Suicide). I ordered on-line. Which is really scary. The "goods" sit in the closet waiting for me to use them.

    I am so sick I just lie on my bed and day dream about what could have been. Today, while at the office is the first time in a while I've not daydreamed about what could of been or suicide. Those are the two things I day dream about. So now I wait for my meeting hoping to get a new job at the company. My old job is dead.
  4. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    My input could either irritate you or give you hope-my hunch is it will be the first one, but here goes. I used to be very much like you-hanging by a thin thread from one day to the next, all provisions for final exit acquired and waiting for me in the closet. My brain was never anchored in reality in real time-I was either kicking the shit out of myself for screwing everything up in the past or hoping and praying that everything will be different in the future. I was never looking at what was standing right in front of me in present time-I was either looking backward or looking forward at all times. I met a very irritating person one day who ended up changing my life by simply pointing out something that was obvious, although I never saw it.

    I was completely powerless in the world that I lived in in my head which kept me in a constant state of anxiety and fear. I was obsessed with a past that I couldn't change and a future I couldn't predict. 95% of the things that I believed would happen in my future never happened-it was wasted time and energy. I could have been focusing on what was happening in my life in the present instead of getting fanatical over issues that never ended up happening. Learning how to be present most of the time was actually very difficult-I learned that trying to have control over things that we actually have no control over (like our future) is a very common malady. Beneath my madness was a complete lack of faith in myself, as I was-with no frills or awards in frames on a wall. I believed that my life wasn't worth much and at any moment the rest of the world would figure that out and deprive me of any opportunities to do something with my life that had value.

    My sense of self value was centered around what I did-not who I was. When I dug down much deeper all of my obsessions with past and future were about avoiding reality and my lack of self confidence. I felt powerless and obsolete-I saw no purpose or point in existing-that was before I learned to see value in my life experience as a human being. Not in the tasks that I could teach myself to perform, but in the sort of a person I was. I didn't care what anyone else thought of me-I just wanted to be proud of myself for doing something that was very difficult. For me the most difficult thing that I could ever do was change my life and start living in the present where I did have some amount of control over my circumstances.

    Learning jobs was always very easy to me-I was always a very hard worker. But I'd never worked at any skill or pursued education in any field that was as difficult as changing the thoughts that flew around in my head on a day to day basis. I don't know why I felt compelled to share some of my story with you but I did. If it made you angry, I'm sorry. My hope is that it went the other way and inspired you to look a little bit deeper into your own heart and mind-and maybe ask yourself why you prefer to stay fixated on a past that you can't change and a future that you can't predict. What is it about now that is so intolerable for you that you avoid it at all costs? It's just a little food for thought from a person who has traveled many of the same pathways that you are traveling now. Good luck-LT
    Brian777 likes this.
  5. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support SF Artist Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Ken. Welcome to the forum. I was on Prozac for a long time and it got to the point it stopped working for me. I changed to a different medication and it got better. You could speak with your doctor about changing, sometimes it happens that the antidepressant stops working. Anyway, it may be worth a try. I hope you're able to get another job where you are, I'm sure this has been a worry for you. Take care and be safe my friend.
  6. Kenb

    Kenb Member

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  7. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    I did the Prozac route for a while too-in the end I had to rid myself of it. Thanks for listening to a POV that (admittedly) is a bit New Age and esoteric. I only mentioned it because it really helped me a lot in my struggle to overcome my compulsion to end my problems (by ending my life) instead of figuring different ways to solve them. When my sickness was at its worst-I would have gone anywhere, done anything for relief-putting my days of time traveling behind me was a huge leap forward. Good luck to you-I'm always here to help if you need more advice from one who thinks a bit outside of the box. Anything that works is my credo. Best wishes-LT
  8. Kenb

    Kenb Member

    Just got done with the meeting. Told me he would get back to me in a week or so. Tried to push me into doing the same work for the new project that's replacing mine. That can't happen for a bunch of reasons -- he is not close enough to understand why.

    So now I wait.
  9. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    So how do you think your meeting went? Do you feel like you did a good job in explaining your points of interest?

    Wishing you the best!!!!
  10. Kenb

    Kenb Member

    Yes, I think I did. But I am not sure he cares or not. Makes you realize how unimportant you are. Just a cog in the machine. So will see.
  11. zuzuspetals

    zuzuspetals Member

    Hi Kenb. Looks like you’re getting some great advice here. Just wanted to add my 2 cents – you’re not alone. Your struggles at work are shared by myself and I’m sure many, many others. Remember that you’re job doesn’t define you. But as others who have responded have alluded to, the issue is most likely the meds. Do you think that if you submit your situation to your doc, he can help line you out with medication that will get you back on track? I’ll pray that you begin there, and that your employment situation becomes perfectly suited for your skills and for your fulfillment, wherever you land and are led.
  12. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    So now I am meeting with the Director of Engineering tomorrow to see if he'll have me. And I finished my report for the H company. Sent them an e-mail asking to meet and go over the report.

    They responded within 30 minutes of my e-mail saying "Great lets' meet. . . ." What does that mean? My guess is they have more then a passing interest. Still a very large mountain to climb. I give the deal a 10% chance at best.

    Am I still suicidal and depressed:, yes. I am I as bad as I was 3 weeks ago no. I am somewhat functioning again.
    calvinandhobbs likes this.
  13. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support SF Artist Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Good luck at the meeting!!!! I hope everything turns out in the 10% area of probability. Also glad to hear you're functional......I struggle with being functional a lot. Take care
  14. calvinandhobbs

    calvinandhobbs Well-Known Member

    I will keep all my fingers and toes crossed for good things for you. I'm so happy for you and proud of your hard work !!!!!
  15. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I forgot to mention that GE Capital would like to look at a business plan. So now I am writing a draft of that. Getting investment from them is about a 1% chance. Hard to write it because I am still depressed and 1% is such a small chance. But I am trying to grind my way through it. GE's medical could use the product to solve one of their product problems.
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  16. calvinandhobbs

    calvinandhobbs Well-Known Member

    I feel like puffing my chest out for you!
  17. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I mention the possible deals because they're real and I want to share that, in the hopes it will help un-depress me a little. But the odds of them working out are slim. Which makes me say why bother -- But then I tell myself, yes it will be depressing if/when they turn you down. But if you don't try you'll never get either deal for sure. So I push myself forward.

    I just finished the Business Plan outline and each sections' main-points-to-cover. Very painful. Anyway thank you for your support.