1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

At peace.....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Autumn01, May 10, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    I've never felt so content and so sure as I do right now- knowing that I will be ending my life before this time next year! It's such a relief. Next month will be my last birthday. I'm not looking for anyone to talk me out of it. I know it will be the right decision for me. I just needed to tell someone.
  2. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    and what made you reach this decision, was it anything in particular?

    i wont try to talk you out of it, but would like understand your reasons if you feel like sharing.

  3. Monoka

    Monoka Well-Known Member

    a lot of thought has gone into the 'when' aspect,
    why that time in particular?
  4. Push

    Push Well-Known Member

    I remember feeling that peace when everything was decided. I hope your plans change.
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Yes hun it does make our existance more peaceful..
    like a security blanket..

    I hope that in that time you find something worth living for..

    Is there a reason you chose that particular date? :hug::flowers:
  6. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    There are cases were people have terminal illness and who can even take their own lives legally.

    We have a pain chart and a value of life chart - if the person has no value of life - no ability to move perhaps, and extreme pain, then euthanasia might be the right thing.

    But with depression, no way would anyone see euthanasia or suicide by someone else's hand as an option. I mean YOU might see it as an option but anyone with an understanding of depression, its cycles and the ups and downs - has to say that anyone killing themselves is doing so because of how they feel in the here and now and how they 'see' the future.

    It's the seeing the future but which gets me. No matter how bad I feel for myself - I know the future holds all sorts of possibilities. Depression distorts the mind and your judgement is way out of sync. It is likely a biological thing - something not firing right in the brain or something. Meds are getting better - even by this time next year there could be new ones.

    Plus - many things might happen between now and then which turn your life around.

    I guess I'd always talk someone out of it whether they asked me to or not.

    Suicide is never picturesque - I think everyone fights the 'dying of the light' - and thoughts change so fast that whatever thought made you want to die might well not be the thought you have when dying. Not this way at least when you are young and have so much to the offer the world.

    Whoever you leave behind will always have the thought as to whether they might kill themselves, whether its in the DNA or family tree.

    I have relatives who had depression, but thankfully none killed themselves.

    Your decision to die just makes life for the rest of us seem that little bit darker.

    I can't find any peace knowing you want to pull this off.

    I think your making a mistake being at peace with it also.

    I hope you get well and that the world can seem a better place, one worth living for.

    We never know what is around the corner: anticipating that it is always going to be bad is depression playing its tricks again!

    It is almost like a cancer of joy - sapping that 'gut feeling' you have when the world seems to offer opportunity, turning you into someone you don't want to be - making you feel you'll never get well again.

    Depression takes away hope,- so maybe your decision to end it all is a kind of 'letting go' now that you know life's bitter cruelties are not going to last forever.

    Thing is - if you choose to live - we are going to die regardless one day. Hopefully at the end of a life in which we kept our dignity and always tried to be true to ourselves and to others.

    Life is short - you'd be amazed at how fast it all goes. One day we blink and we're pensioners! I'm not for a while, but its closer than teenagehood.

    One day all our worries are over soon enough - some believe we end right then and there - the body, the battery to the brain which makes us think is dead - science says that is the end - but many scientists have their own faiths and some see otherwise.

    Some think we are judged - judged for how we treated others, the trials we endured and the lessons we learnt.

    Even now, what we say here matters so much that its hard to put into words the importance of kindness. Kindness to others has been the connection that has helped many recover from depression which saw them spends years inside institutions.

    I'm only just starting to understand depression and its various forms and the indicators it has. I confess, even though I has depression I saw others as weak for wanting help. Scorned medication, derided many professionals working in that field. I refused any help, but did that make it better for me or worse?

    Got to be worse right?

    Anyhow, I've danced with this for thirty odd years but I'm still here. I've though about dying, but to plan my own death, I'd not get past the stage of imagining the hurt I'd cause. This would be greater than mine, multiplied, and it would not be one person having to deal with depression.

    Who knows what the fall out would bring? Relatives ready for uni - upset by the death - or dealing with that knowledge when they realise it might be hereditary. They are clever kids and will work that out.

    And with me gone, there are all manner of connections which have been broken, chances maybe set back and events themselves leading to less joy than there might have been if I was, not at some party, but alive and well as can be.

    Dying is one thing - killing yourself leaves a healing process which goes on for a lot longer than anyone who loses a child in some accidental circumstances. Suicide has too many questions - and for me, if anyone young killed themselves in my family - I'd be tormented for a while with the questions about my love - and why they never came to me or why I never noticed.

    Suicide is an answer to problems you cannot cope with. In my view there is no depression related problem that cannot be solved when people SHARE those problems.

    Trust me, being just a photograph hung on the wall - the smiling child whose life was cut short - a promise that never lived to realise the promise. A hope that was dashed.

    So many talented and beautiful individuals have committed suicide that the world is worse off place for the lack of their presence.

    I cannot ever romanticise the process or think of any way in which doing it is a good judgement call for anyone suffering from depression.

    This is a condition / illness we CAN control or defeat. And like I say, changes are afoot and many experimental drugs and other actual procedures will be part of the general healing process.

    You got to stick around, get an education, find some path in life in which your own experience becomes a positive. Strange as it sounds, recovering from the the worse of depression really does open your mind when it comes to mental illness and the real soul destroying process of depression making its first appearances to it becoming a part of your life.

    When I was young we had no clue about depression - its was a hidden secret, something not talked about. Now, I see youngsters who are able to speak about the unspeakable - who can open up to other human beings who KNOW what they are talking about.

    A lot has changed - and a lot will change. The world will change, but you can be happy no matter what happens as long as you have that faith in yourself and a connection to others - friendship, love, maybe the satisfaction of just helping other folk which does the soul a world of good.

    I hope and pray your life can come to some place in which your peace right now can become the peace you have knowing you want to live.

    Takes times, of course, but you got time.

    My regards.

    I'm off to feed the ducks...:duck:
  7. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    Mostly just a lot of reasons rolled into one. I'm truly tired of fighting. I have a lot of problems too. I know my life will always be shit.
  8. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    I want to end my life by the end of March if not sooner because I know my mom will replace the upstairs flooring next April. That's going to send me over the edge.
  9. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    Thanks IV.
    You're so sweet.
    I'm just not so sure that is possible.
    By the end of March because I know my mom will replace the upstairs flooring next April that's the reason to send me over the edge completely. Though I have many other reasons as well.
  10. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    I feel like I have a terminal illness- I actually might have colon cancer.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.