At that point.. again!

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Kris.T, Oct 17, 2009.

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  1. Kris.T

    Kris.T Well-Known Member


    So here I am again. Sitting at the computer, knife sitting on the desk, staring at the blade wondering if todays the day...

    I hate my life. I know alot of people say that, yet don't really mean it, I'm not one of those people. What also pisses me off, is people who have the slightest thing go wrong, that doesn't mean a thing in reality, but go on to claim their life sucks and it's the worst problem in the world.

    My life story basically goes like this. When I was in 6th grade, my parents split up. My mother was a heavy drinker and would argue with my father until one night my dad lost his cool and started hitting her, with me and my younger sister watching on. Me being protective, getting inbetween him and ripping his shirt after he went charging at her a second time. This essentially forcing me to mature faster then normal, as my mum moved out and my dad working 8am - 6pm, I had to take care of me and my sister.

    My older sister got involved with the wrong people, and heavily involved in drugs. Rehab 4 times and kicked out everytime for having drugs on her. She's now engaged, and has a daughter. She hasn't changed and still drinks and does drugs, which is depressing as her daughter is beautiful and I feel her life will be ruined by her parents habbits.

    Me. Well, I put others before myself too often, and ignored my feelings to ensure others were happy. Now, I don't care either way, if others are happy, or myself. I don't fit in anywhere. I'm made fun of based off apperance, get called emo, have people picking fights with me, over how I look, or act. I just want to be left alone, but people can't seem to let me walk by without making comments. I've self harmed since 8th grade (2002 until 2007) had counselling during school, telling them I'm suicidal, my parents didn't care at all.

    I have little to no social skills, I avoid conversations because I feel I have nothing to input into the conversation. I give few word answers and walk off, to do my own thing. I live alone, in a big empty house. 99% of my time is spent in these four walls, and it feels like they're closing in on me. I want to get away from everything, and just be at peace and I feel the only way to do that, is to finally go through with it...

    Sorry for the rant.. I just needed to get things off my chest and probably should have put this in members diaries.

    I hate myself.
    I hate my life.

    Maybe tonight I'll finally be able to do something.. that I've failed many times before at doing...

    - Kristopher.
  2. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    Sure you've had some bad stuff happen to you but that's no reason to kill yourself. I went through a rough childhood. I moved country and lost my friends and family when i was 8, my parents split up when i was 12, I was picked on relentlessly for 3 years, by the majority of my grade. I've been called a disgusting disease by my step-mother. I'm not trying to outdo you or anything, and I know that there are people who have had it worse than me. Even so, it doesn't take away how you feel about your own life, and it is hard, I know. If theres one thing I have learned in my life it's that you can't change the past, and looking back on past pain is pointless and harmful. You can however change the future, and it make it a better place for yourself. When you find yourself dwelling on the past, just say to yourself 'the past is dead, and what I went through is no longer harming me, so I'm going to bury it'. Besides, a hard life builds character, and can make you a stronger person, if you let it.

    Oh, and don't cut/harm yourself. It is a stupid thing to do and it'll only make you weaker. You're damn lucky to have what you have, which includes your body. And you're body is something you can never leave, so keep it beautiful.
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Dont have any words hun just :arms:
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I know it is hard being left out of things not feeling like you fit in. Have you tried changing your appearance so you do fit in. I know it is hard but try okay My daughter went through stage she wore eveything black dark depressive. I gradually added color to her wardrobe gradually changed her hair her style and she was more accepted. I hope you can get some councilling or therapy to help you out of your depression. Ask your doctor if he can give you some medication as well to help Glad you camehere if just to vent to get the pain out.
  5. Kris.T

    Kris.T Well-Known Member

    I used to be like that, all dark, long hair emo fringe, piercings, tattoos etc. Then it became the 'in' thing, so I figured now I might start to become more accepted, seeing as either others were feeling like I was and dressing to reflect feelings, or whatever but alas, I was wrong again. I was shunned, so I changed my look completely. Took my piercings out, cut my hair, dressed in brighter colors, tried fitting in that way, with the non 'emo' kids, and that didn't work either so I reverted back to how I was.

    I decided against going through with the plans after venting here, I took a few pills(nothing over the top, just what I'm meant to take) and went to sleep, have woken up feeling a little better. :biggrin:
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm glad to hear you're feeling a little better hun. I have a daughter, actually she turns 16 today. She is what other people call emo or goth. I call her my daughter. I have no problem with how she dresses or looks. Well ok a little one, I'm trying to find her a gift and well Walmart doesnt have an emo/goth department (lol). She was sooo like you are right now. I was so worried about her because I've been an emotional wreck for years and didnt want her to follow my path. But something has happened lately. She is starting to really love herself. She is happy with who she is. Oh she still has tons of life problems. Who doesnt. But she accepts her for her. And she figures to Hell with the rest of them. They dont have to life inside her skin.

    This year instead of regular high school she is attending a tech college for the 1st two terms and regular high school for the remainder. She has set some goals for what she wants to do with her future. Have you given that any serious thought? And for her this is a major accomplishment because just 2 or 3 months back she didnt even want to get out of bed each day.

    Baby steps hun. That's the start. You've taken one already, you're here, telling others about your pain. I'm a pm away if you want someone to walk along with you and try to help you with some other baby steps. :arms:
  7. Kaganovich

    Kaganovich Active Member

    Just a small point but nobody should ever try and 'fit in' with people who discriminate against, harrass and bully people based on their appearance.
    Glad you're feeling better though! Whilst you want to live life, make it yours not a reflection of somebody elses vision of normality!
  8. sucidalgirl99

    sucidalgirl99 Well-Known Member

    Hey Kris.T! I was reading your post and saw that we both have a hard time making coversation and poor social skills. Feel free to PM me if you want to.
  9. Kris.T

    Kris.T Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I kinda realise that now. But at the time I was at that point of over being alone, and not really having vary many friends, so I tried to change so I'd have people as 'friends'. But I realised now, as you've said, it's my life and I'll live it looking and acting however I like.
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