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At the age of 6 I lost my mother.

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by pogosticker, Apr 25, 2012.

  1. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    Nobody needs to read/reply to this.. I just wanna get it off my chest.

    Obviously I had six years with her, so at the time I had nothing but memories of her because she was in my life constantly. But now, they're all gone. I don't remember her, only by photos and a video we have of her. I have no memories of us together, aside from things I think people told me about her that have now disguised themselves as memories when really they're not, if that makes sense.

    If she hadn't died my entire life would have been different. Everything - EVERYTHING in my life has stemmed from her death. I wouldn't be the person I am now if she hadn't been taken from us.

    My dad had always told us that she died peacefully in her sleep, and told us that before she did she said she loved us all. Then a few months back he got drunk and told me she died in agony and was crying as she didn't know what was happening to her. I know he needed to get it off his chest, but part of me hates him for telling me that.

    On the video we have from my childhood one of the nurses visits and me and my sisters play doctors/patients with bandages, rubber gloves and stuff. So there we were pretending to be sick, while in the same room my mother was having injections as she was dying from cancer.. but I don't think we even knew what was happening to her.

    I have a very, very vague memory of my dad coming home from the hospital. He was supposed to be spending the night there, and me and my sisters had a babysitter. I remember my older sister saying "dad, I thought you were supposed to be staying at the hospital?" and then he sat us down and told us she was dead. I remember them breaking down and crying, but I don't think I cried. I think I was just in shock.

    I wish she hadn't died. I wish I knew her. I only know what people tell me about her. My dad doesn't talk about her any more. I don't know if she was intelligent. I don't know what she was like. I don't know if all the good things about her are true, or if they're just people exaggerating because she's dead. My older sister (who was 9 when our mother died) remembers her. But me and my younger sister don't remember her at all.

    It's weird to think that I actually remember me and my older sister making up a song in my bedroom when I was about 4 or 5, but I don't remember my mother.

    I don't believe in an afterlife so I'm certain I'll never see her again. I would love to believe in heaven of course, but I think it's stupid. I never had a chance to know her and I never will. But I miss her so much.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOu heart remembers her hun and it will never forget your mother hugs

    i am so sorry you lost your mother as such a young age

    Cancer i am sure the doctor and nurses gave your mom medication to keep her pain at ease so she did not suffer endlessly hugs to you
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm sorry to read about your loss. It must have been hard for you at such a young age. :hug:

    I'm sure some part of you remembers her - although perhaps it's in your subconscious brain. (Sometimes our brains hide memories if we miss someone so much it hurts to remember them. :dunno:)

    If your dad was drunk when he told you the new version of your mom's death, he could have been confused and/or saying things that weren't true. Being drunk doesn't mean someone is telling the truth, just that they're likely to say things they wouldn't say if they weren't drunk. I can understand why it upset you to have him tell you that stuff, though - whether or not it's true.

    It seems that there people who knew your mother, so perhaps you could actually ask them about her. You could even say that you want to "know" her a bit more, as you were very young when she died.

    I'm glad you got this off your chest, and I hope that you can find out a little more about her. Thinking of you...:arms:
  4. Incurious

    Incurious Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel - at least about growing up missing out on having a mother. You just feel an emptiness when you see your friends interact with their mothers when growing up. At least that's how I felt.

    I think we just have to hope that at some point in some reality we will what we want most in the world.

    I don't really believe in heaven, but if believing that at some point on some plain in the universe that we will get to meet our mothers, then it's worth it to feel stupid :)