Nobody needs to read/reply to this.. I just wanna get it off my chest. Obviously I had six years with her, so at the time I had nothing but memories of her because she was in my life constantly. But now, they're all gone. I don't remember her, only by photos and a video we have of her. I have no memories of us together, aside from things I think people told me about her that have now disguised themselves as memories when really they're not, if that makes sense. If she hadn't died my entire life would have been different. Everything - EVERYTHING in my life has stemmed from her death. I wouldn't be the person I am now if she hadn't been taken from us. My dad had always told us that she died peacefully in her sleep, and told us that before she did she said she loved us all. Then a few months back he got drunk and told me she died in agony and was crying as she didn't know what was happening to her. I know he needed to get it off his chest, but part of me hates him for telling me that. On the video we have from my childhood one of the nurses visits and me and my sisters play doctors/patients with bandages, rubber gloves and stuff. So there we were pretending to be sick, while in the same room my mother was having injections as she was dying from cancer.. but I don't think we even knew what was happening to her. I have a very, very vague memory of my dad coming home from the hospital. He was supposed to be spending the night there, and me and my sisters had a babysitter. I remember my older sister saying "dad, I thought you were supposed to be staying at the hospital?" and then he sat us down and told us she was dead. I remember them breaking down and crying, but I don't think I cried. I think I was just in shock. I wish she hadn't died. I wish I knew her. I only know what people tell me about her. My dad doesn't talk about her any more. I don't know if she was intelligent. I don't know what she was like. I don't know if all the good things about her are true, or if they're just people exaggerating because she's dead. My older sister (who was 9 when our mother died) remembers her. But me and my younger sister don't remember her at all. It's weird to think that I actually remember me and my older sister making up a song in my bedroom when I was about 4 or 5, but I don't remember my mother. I don't believe in an afterlife so I'm certain I'll never see her again. I would love to believe in heaven of course, but I think it's stupid. I never had a chance to know her and I never will. But I miss her so much.