All of us would love to live happily ever after without psychological problems hitting us, but unfortunately this is only an ideal. If we continue to hold an ideal such as "I really should be happy right now." then over time we start comparing it more and more to our actual situation, which is not so happy. This gap between an ideal and the reality only serves to cause further anxiety and depression because we feel like we are failing ourselves.
I'm not saying that being happy is something bad to think about, but maybe instead of an ideal you could set smaller baby step goals. Something like having a goal of feeling a tiny bit better then the last day, or feeling calm/neutral as a goal for the day. Eventually if this works and becomes consistent your anxiety might wear off and happiness will come by itself. :smile:
I'd also be weary of upping the dosage of your meds without doctor consent. Doubling seems like a large change which might backfire with side effects (but then again I'm not very familiar with Ativan).
Happy is a relative term. I meant I'd like to not be anxious so much of the time. I wasn't feeling anxious like now ( where it's all I think about) until the last several months. I wasn't on sleeping pills until the past fall. I want the me that was better able to deal with things. I want the me that could go on vacation and not obsess about work. This me is a bit better about procrastination but isn't giving my son the time he deserves.