At the end of my rope

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Suisingle, Oct 15, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Suisingle

    Suisingle Account Closed

    Hello forum. New here. Not sure what to say... I'm massively depressed and having bad panic attacks. My back is against the wall and I don't know how much more of this hell I can endure.

    My life is a joke, a disaster. I don't have a life beyond my emptiness, isolation, loneliness and misery. I'm completely alone in this world.
    My family turned their backs on me many years ago. Only an occasional email from my mother, with whom I've had a terrible relationship with. She has been very abusive to me most of my life.

    I had one friend, but he died last year. Since then I've been drifting... living out of a suitcase... hitching rides as I don't have a car. Going from place to place, renting rooms in lousy homes. No stability or structure. No purpose or plan. My life effectively ended when I stopped working. I had a career for many years and worked very hard. However I suffer from mental illness, which ruined my career. I can not hold any job for long. I have a very hard time concentrating, and a poor memory. I'm often unable to follow simple instructions. And when my depression is at it's worst, I can't even find the will to get out of bed and face the day. I slip into a fantasy world and do not wish to come out.

    I'm almost 50 now, which is a disgrace. To be so old and have absolutely nothing to show for all those years of work. No hope of retirement now. I live on meager disability, check to check, barely getting by. Everyone I know has a productive career and a home, loved ones etc. I have nothing and no one. As I said my life ended when I stopped working. But.. I was blessed to have found a girlfriend for the first time in many years. I fell in love and we became engaged. However, there was one big catch. She was a foreigner, living in europe. We could only spend a few months at a time together. The sad goodbyes at the airport were devastating. The sorrow and emptiness I felt when she would fly off was pure emotional hell. I was not able to get her to the US to marry. Too poor to qualify as fiancee & sponsor. In the end her career led her even farther away, the stress became too much and we broke up.

    I came very close to killing myself. She was all that kept me going. Bringing her to the US and building a life together was my only real goal. My motivation to carry on. She's been gone almost 3 years now, and I've spent all those days and nights alone. Have not even tried to date. The pain was so bad, I had to leave the state. Everywhere I went were memories of her and our time together. I would walk those same streets alone, and talk to her, as if she were there holding my hand. Even as I type this I am crying. It still hurts so much.

    I am not a cowardly man. I have faced many hardships, and fought many battles in life, with courage. Always alone, never any support from family or friends, or god forbid a wife. But the older I get, the weaker I become. Life is wearing me down. As a man I'm expected to be strong, like a soldier. Never show weakness or the enemy will attack. Never cry. So I paint on my warrior face and pretend... all the while I feel like a broken child within. Always fighting back the tears. And I often turn to drink to cope with the loneliness, pain, panic attacks and fear. The result has been several trips to the psych ward... suicide attempts... homelessness and jail. Even as I write I am being evicted yet again, with no money, no car and nowhere to turn. I cannot go through this any longer. I'm dangerously unstable right now. I no longer trust my judgement. I'm prone to irrational self-destructive behavior. But I will not call a crisis line. I've done that before, and it was horrible how I was treated. I was held 7 days for observation & completely ignored until the end of the last day. The doc asked if I was still suicidal and of course I said no. I'd have said anything to get out of that hell hole by then. Death would be much more pleasant. Besides, if I'm committed again, I will lose the room I rented, and all my belongings as well. So I can not go to any hospitals at this time.

    I'm scared what I'll do if my landlord throws me on the street. I've already tried suicide by cop several times. I can not live on the streets any more. I've been thinking crazy thoughts all day. Even worse, I've been bullied and threatened by another guy who lives here. I was the victim of terrible bullying and violence as a boy, and it's bringing back painful memories and frantic thoughts. I was stalked and terrorized for years, and beaten unconscious several times and worse, but I won't go into details. Those early experiences changed me forever. Made me very paranoid, and defensive. And if I feel threatened, I'm likely to attack like a crazy junkyard dog.

    On top of all this, one of my ex's friends killed himself last week. He was younger than me. I've read his facebook posts, and I can see he was falling apart. Maybe crying out for help too... but help never came. Just could not go on any more. She feels very guilty she didn't reach out more to him in his darkest hour. I've tried helping her through it, but I can't even help myself. I'm every bit as messed up as her friend was the day he ended it.

    Please, do not suggest a homeless shelter. That is not an option for me. Nor a hospital. If I am to survive, I have to face this alone... and struggle to find somewhere else to live. Even though, the only place someone like me can live is alone, because no one understands my mental illness or strange behavior. I'm not inherently violent, but it frightens them what they don't understand. And they look down on me as a failure, a weirdo loser & freak for collecting disability. Almost no one wants me in their home. Can't say I blame them, and I don't want to be there either. I want my own home. My privacy and a safe place to stay. Impossible to afford though.

    As for treatment, I'm not receiving any at this time. Off my meds too, for almost 2 years now. I want to get back into treatment but that is complicated. I have no insurance, no transportation, and to be honest I have no faith in county care either. I do not trust them anymore. I've had bad experiences and lousy care in their hands. Been wrongly diagnosed & improperly medicated. The meds began causing seizures as well... so now I'm afraid to take any. And I'm terrified of being involuntarily institutionalized, which is always a possibility. There is no one looking out for me, no advocate, no one to call for help.

    Sorry this is so long and thank you for reading. I do not expect any answers. My problems are the same thousands of others are facing. This is why so many mentally ill men are homeless, in jail, or dead. As it stands right now, I'm very likely to become just another sad statistic. Best wishes to all. If I disappear, well... you can probably guess why.
  2. Rubydo

    Rubydo Member

    I hear you and feel your pain, it's horrible to be so alone. Sometimes I wonder if we just had homes for all the lonely people would it be good or not? They say misery loves company, so I read the stories here and try to find my blessings. Having a home is not all that it's cracked up to be tho, mine will soon be crumbling about my ears. I can't afford to fix it, can't afford to sell it and don't have anyone to even leave it to. Right now, it's really really hard to have to live in here, it's too full of memories. I wish I could leave. Does that make you feel any better?
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 15, 2012
  3. Suisingle

    Suisingle Account Closed

    Rubydo, if you mean does knowing you're having a hard time make me feel better, then no. No one's suffering makes me feel good about myself, my life or anything else. The only thing that makes me feel better about myself is working or helping others. Even something as insignificant as doing yard work or home repair. It's not much but gives me a small sense of purpose, which I suppose is better than staring at the walls and going insane. I've offered to do yard work in exchange for rent but so far no offers. With no car or phone I am very helpless & vulnerable right now. I've also offered to volunteer but again, no replies. Plus I have major social anxiety, and panic if I'm around more than 1 or 2 people at a time. So there aren't many places I fit in. Anyway thanks for the reply and I wish you well. Those painful memories are indeed hard to live with.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Can you not apply for disability help I don''t know what country you are from but perhaps if you let people know they can tell you how to get that. You write so well better then myself so your mind is clear at times. Medication would be a way out of all the mess your in it would bring you stability if you could get coverage ASK your doctor to apply for coverage of the meds for you if that can be done. Fighting a mental illness on your own is too hard that is why you need to reach out to any supports in your community and USE them ok to get you back on a different path your on now
  5. Suisingle

    Suisingle Account Closed

    Total Eclipse, I know you mean well, but as I said, it's complicated. Honestly tired of explaining all this shit to people, but I will- just so the uninformed can know why men like me fall through the cracks.

    1. I live in the USA & receive SS disability.

    2. I qualify for Medicare, but can not afford parts B & D, which cover outpatient doctor visits & meds. Meaning I have only part A which covers only a tiny percent of emergency room hospital care. Meaning I would have to admit myself as a suicidal or homicidal person to be taken in, which means they would put me in a psych ward god only knows how long, at least 7 days, meaning I would lose the room I'm renting, and all my belongings as well. Eventually they might release me, to the streets. Homeless with a hand full of happy pills. And then they will send me a bill for several thousand $$$. Been there, done that, not ever gonna do it again.

    3. The county clinic will probably treat me as an outpatient, for a reduced rate, short term, with no insurance, but there are no county clinics nearby. I have no car. No buses here. No friends or family to help. I am completely alone in the world. Does the county have a special shuttle bus for patients like me, which would come way out to my area and pick me up? probably not. But I really don't know since I have no phone, and can not call. Even if they do, they still won't pay for my meds. I will almost certainly have to pay full price at the pharmacy, which I can't afford.

    4. I've had nothing but bad experiences with county clinics for many years. Often the so-called "treatment" was worse than no treatment at all. So I'm in no hurry to return.
    I'm sick of doctors, and pills, and being bounced from place to place, doctor to doctor. Never getting the quality care I need. My last doctor... would not even call me, following a suicide attempt, and a seizure. You know, just to check up and see if I'm ok. Nope. Not one check call from doc or the clinic, who were told by the hospital and police what had happened.

    5. I'm being evicted and have no idea where I will be tomorrow, next week, next month. I may wind up 1000 miles away. Or more likely 6 feet under.

    I hope this explains to the world why so many mentally ill men fall through the cracks, become homeless, or wind up in jail, or die. Why men like my ex's friend did last week... give up and end their lives. Many of us have been banging our heads against the county clinic walls for years. We are fed up with America's failed health care system. We are tired of dealing with clinics that are overbooked, over budget, understaffed, and often close their doors. That is all I can say without embarking on a lengthy social, political & economic debate, which I don't care to do, nor have the energy for.
  6. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    The only thing I can think of after you have explained how the medical world fails you and the financial world doesn't live up either, is to reach out to the religious community... someone, somewhere inside a church somewhere.... is capable of giving you some help, or is capable of giving you new avenues to work with your issues... or is capable of helping you not become homeless, or is capable of driving you to the clinic, if that is what would get you help.

    Not saying all religious folk are this way, but I know that in some place, somewhere near there, there is somebody who would be more than willing to do this for you... and it wouldn't even be a burden or anything to them, to volunteer that for you.

    That is something that you CAN have in your favor... even with everything you listed... but will your pride let you?
  7. Suisingle

    Suisingle Account Closed

    Samara, I'm not about to convert to Christianity in the hope the church or its members will assist me, if that's what you're suggesting. That would be unrealistic and unacceptable, however well intended the notion may be. And even if I wanted to pretend to be Christian, it isn't the church's responsibility to provide affordable housing or transportation for mentally ill, low income disabled persons such as myself. My "pride", as you say, has nothing to do with it. People should stop looking to religious organizations for answers. That only further enables the federal and state government to continue ignoring critical issues, such as why we warehouse the mentally ill & homeless, addicts etc, in jails and institutions, rather than actually do something worthwhile to help them better function in society. What few programs are in place are clearly inadequate, given the grim statistics. Millions are homeless, & many more millions in jail, a large percentage of which are mentally ill. And let's not forget every 13.7 minutes someone in the United States dies by suicide because they see no way out, no bright future on the horizon, no happy ending to their sad story.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.