Hello forum. New here. Not sure what to say... I'm massively depressed and having bad panic attacks. My back is against the wall and I don't know how much more of this hell I can endure. My life is a joke, a disaster. I don't have a life beyond my emptiness, isolation, loneliness and misery. I'm completely alone in this world. My family turned their backs on me many years ago. Only an occasional email from my mother, with whom I've had a terrible relationship with. She has been very abusive to me most of my life. I had one friend, but he died last year. Since then I've been drifting... living out of a suitcase... hitching rides as I don't have a car. Going from place to place, renting rooms in lousy homes. No stability or structure. No purpose or plan. My life effectively ended when I stopped working. I had a career for many years and worked very hard. However I suffer from mental illness, which ruined my career. I can not hold any job for long. I have a very hard time concentrating, and a poor memory. I'm often unable to follow simple instructions. And when my depression is at it's worst, I can't even find the will to get out of bed and face the day. I slip into a fantasy world and do not wish to come out. I'm almost 50 now, which is a disgrace. To be so old and have absolutely nothing to show for all those years of work. No hope of retirement now. I live on meager disability, check to check, barely getting by. Everyone I know has a productive career and a home, loved ones etc. I have nothing and no one. As I said my life ended when I stopped working. But.. I was blessed to have found a girlfriend for the first time in many years. I fell in love and we became engaged. However, there was one big catch. She was a foreigner, living in europe. We could only spend a few months at a time together. The sad goodbyes at the airport were devastating. The sorrow and emptiness I felt when she would fly off was pure emotional hell. I was not able to get her to the US to marry. Too poor to qualify as fiancee & sponsor. In the end her career led her even farther away, the stress became too much and we broke up. I came very close to killing myself. She was all that kept me going. Bringing her to the US and building a life together was my only real goal. My motivation to carry on. She's been gone almost 3 years now, and I've spent all those days and nights alone. Have not even tried to date. The pain was so bad, I had to leave the state. Everywhere I went were memories of her and our time together. I would walk those same streets alone, and talk to her, as if she were there holding my hand. Even as I type this I am crying. It still hurts so much. I am not a cowardly man. I have faced many hardships, and fought many battles in life, with courage. Always alone, never any support from family or friends, or god forbid a wife. But the older I get, the weaker I become. Life is wearing me down. As a man I'm expected to be strong, like a soldier. Never show weakness or the enemy will attack. Never cry. So I paint on my warrior face and pretend... all the while I feel like a broken child within. Always fighting back the tears. And I often turn to drink to cope with the loneliness, pain, panic attacks and fear. The result has been several trips to the psych ward... suicide attempts... homelessness and jail. Even as I write I am being evicted yet again, with no money, no car and nowhere to turn. I cannot go through this any longer. I'm dangerously unstable right now. I no longer trust my judgement. I'm prone to irrational self-destructive behavior. But I will not call a crisis line. I've done that before, and it was horrible how I was treated. I was held 7 days for observation & completely ignored until the end of the last day. The doc asked if I was still suicidal and of course I said no. I'd have said anything to get out of that hell hole by then. Death would be much more pleasant. Besides, if I'm committed again, I will lose the room I rented, and all my belongings as well. So I can not go to any hospitals at this time. I'm scared what I'll do if my landlord throws me on the street. I've already tried suicide by cop several times. I can not live on the streets any more. I've been thinking crazy thoughts all day. Even worse, I've been bullied and threatened by another guy who lives here. I was the victim of terrible bullying and violence as a boy, and it's bringing back painful memories and frantic thoughts. I was stalked and terrorized for years, and beaten unconscious several times and worse, but I won't go into details. Those early experiences changed me forever. Made me very paranoid, and defensive. And if I feel threatened, I'm likely to attack like a crazy junkyard dog. On top of all this, one of my ex's friends killed himself last week. He was younger than me. I've read his facebook posts, and I can see he was falling apart. Maybe crying out for help too... but help never came. Just could not go on any more. She feels very guilty she didn't reach out more to him in his darkest hour. I've tried helping her through it, but I can't even help myself. I'm every bit as messed up as her friend was the day he ended it. Please, do not suggest a homeless shelter. That is not an option for me. Nor a hospital. If I am to survive, I have to face this alone... and struggle to find somewhere else to live. Even though, the only place someone like me can live is alone, because no one understands my mental illness or strange behavior. I'm not inherently violent, but it frightens them what they don't understand. And they look down on me as a failure, a weirdo loser & freak for collecting disability. Almost no one wants me in their home. Can't say I blame them, and I don't want to be there either. I want my own home. My privacy and a safe place to stay. Impossible to afford though. As for treatment, I'm not receiving any at this time. Off my meds too, for almost 2 years now. I want to get back into treatment but that is complicated. I have no insurance, no transportation, and to be honest I have no faith in county care either. I do not trust them anymore. I've had bad experiences and lousy care in their hands. Been wrongly diagnosed & improperly medicated. The meds began causing seizures as well... so now I'm afraid to take any. And I'm terrified of being involuntarily institutionalized, which is always a possibility. There is no one looking out for me, no advocate, no one to call for help. Sorry this is so long and thank you for reading. I do not expect any answers. My problems are the same thousands of others are facing. This is why so many mentally ill men are homeless, in jail, or dead. As it stands right now, I'm very likely to become just another sad statistic. Best wishes to all. If I disappear, well... you can probably guess why.