At the end of my rope...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Marja89, Dec 29, 2015.

  1. Marja89

    Marja89 New Member

    I have nowhere else to say this, so I might as well do it here. I've been holding on for a long time and I am at the end of my rope (no pun intended).
    I'm trying to make this short. Listing all of the details that have led me here would make this a giant novel so I'll stick to the few straws that have broken the camel's back. Basically the accumulation of everything has finally led me to the point where I feel like there is no way out. I have ”friends” who like my pictures on facebook and
    comment stuff like:”oh, I miss youuuuu!<3<3<3<3<3”, but when I actually message and suggest meeting they completely ignore me, so no genuine friends to speak of.
    I'm also a 26-year-old woman and despite being called hot or pretty numerous times (just today actually), have never had a boyfriend. I have only had a few one night stands because that is all guys seem to want from me. I have a sense of humor, am pretty smart and have a working brain but is the only thing any guy has ever wanted from me. My ”friends” have had boyfriends since they were teens and I'm still alone.
    Also, I'm from and currently still stuck in Finland, which I have always hated. The only place I have ever felt at home in is Canada. I have spent a total of five months in Canada and it felt so good, I still dream about those times.
    I made friends there and just before I left I met a guy who could have actually really cared about me.
    Unfortunately with my educational and work background (even though it's pretty substansial), I cannot get a visa, and have no faith left to keep fighting to get there, even if it is where I feel I belong.
    So, as a fake friend magnet, sex toy for men and stuck in a country I hate with no way out I feel ending it is really my only option. Can't keep fighting anymore.
    I have tried numerous shrinks and pills, but the fact is my depression is not related to brain chemistry, it is situational (stuck in this horrible country and longing so badly for another one for example), which means the only way to cure it is to cure the situation causing it. I was genuinely happy in Canada, but the tidal wave of depression hit me as soon as the plane landed on the finnish airport again.
    It breaks my heart that I have a cat whom I do love, and I was raised by a loving single mom and I'm her only child. She has told me that if I killed myself it would destroy her and she really has helped me so much and been great, but
    I cannot keep up this void of a life because of her.
    I have nowhere else to put this and as I'm writing this my mom is playing with my cat and talking to me, looking at my red,puffy,teary eyes, about how she wishes she could help. But the truth is...she is not a person who could be an actual friend, she is not a man who could see me as something more than a walking vagina and she is not the Canadian immigration officers, so she can't help.
    Sorry if I bored anyone and if you are still reading this, I thank you. You have payed more attention to me than the people who claim to love me have already.
    As I am here, what hurts me is I already know I don't want to die...but I also know I don't have a way out from my circumstances while still a mortal in this world. I have no fight left in me to pretend like I'm strong.
    Thank you for reading whoever you are and I wish you a 2016 of healing.*hugs*
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Marja and welcome. I am also a 26 year old female, living in Ireland. Can you try to get into any other country other than Canada? Is that an option for you? You seem pretty smart but also pretty desperate and I don't blame you one bit because life can be incredibly cruel to us sometimes. I am really glad that you have your mom there for you, hold on to her, she is by your side. A walking vagina? Don't give them sex without being in a relationship with them first. That's the best advice I can give and I speak from experience. I was like that in my early teens. I do wish you the best of luck, just know we are here for you and that we do understand (hugs)
  3. Marja89

    Marja89 New Member

    Thank you for your kind words. I do kind of have a second best country in mind, just need to try and get over the attachment to Canada. That's true, my mom is the thing that's keeping me here. It would be horrible to let her down after all of her support and love for me. Life feels like quite an endurance sport, it's really is a sprint not a marathon. You're also right about the relationship first thing, using sex to get positive attention does not work. Thank you again, it feels good to have encouraging and kind words from someone. Hugs right back.
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I know you are emotionally down at the moment and you are treated in a non-loved way but you are important. The healing you are looking for will start for you from within. At the moment, you feel that the opposite sex are using you but you are important as an individual. As an individual, you need to be treated with respect and it's totally understandable the way you feel.

    From what you have written there seems to be more beauty inside than outside. Do not be hard on yourself as the hurt you are feeling is no doubt causing you to try. You are important and the affection you show to the cat should be transposed on yourself. You may suffer from low self-esteem issues but it does not mean that you resort to doing something.

    You can still follow you dreams of finding happiness and moving to country you really love. You need to find a careers that will help you get a visa. You can retrain and you can succeed. There is nothing stopping you in achieving this dream.

    I know and sense that you might cry whilst reading this reply. That's ok, as the tears of hurt releases to pain you feel. Let the tears roll down but it's about dealing with your feelings on a day by day basis. Yes, there are going to be days where we feel low and high but we can overcome these.

    Just think, someone in the world does care about YOU and your cat. So do not worry now, we will help you as its about sharing the pain you feel without being judged. No one is judging you but we really care about YOU.

    To help with the way you feel, have you been to a group therapy where you can share your feelings with others. It might an alternative method compared to taking medication. If you are thinking about self-harming, then please use the elastic bands as an alternative method. The sting of the pulling on the elastic band helps you to survive what you are feeling.

    Wipe the tears, be safe and most important keep posting here for the support you truly deserve.
  5. Jagroen

    Jagroen Well-Known Member

    From a 25y/ Male Canadian, I am sorry that you did not meet the requirements to stay here. I know its rough when all men see women as "toys" but I can relate from the other spectrum. I have issues and only a select few friends who help me but other "guys" that I try and and become friends with think Im Gay for not wanting to go to the bar or club for a one night stand.

    It sucks to have 1st impressions, it really does. I hope you will be able to come back to Canada and see some of the beautiful views here. My personal favourite is Radium Hot Springs in B.C.

    If you need someone to listen, Im willing to lend a ear.

    We all deserve to live happily, even when we don't want to be alive.

    I wish I could visit anywhere in the world, but I have not experienced what there is outside of Canada.