At the end of my rope...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by barnacle, Apr 21, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. barnacle

    barnacle New Member

    I've just joined up...I really don't know where to turn.
    I'm so sorry to burden you all with what I'm about to spew forth, but there's no one I can talk to, not a soul, and I'm terrified that I'll just make the final stroke if I can't get this off my chest...I'm terrified that even after I write this down I may still do it.

    I'm 20...I've been battling depression for 6yrs now. My relaitonship with my parents was a violent one, we'd scream and curse and I'd be covered in bruises. I was told each and every day how pathetic I was ,how fat and ugly I was and how I'd never acheive a thing in my life, least of all a boyfriend.
    It got worse at 16, when in a violent argument with my parents it was screamed at me that my grandfather, the only person I had ever been able to connect with in my entire life, had commited suicide a few years earlier, and that I had been lied to for all those years....
    I began to cut myself at that stage, most times about 40 cuts on each leg and around 20 on my left arm, every night.
    After a time I became incredibly ill and spent nearly a year in bed. Every day I'd think of how miserable I was.

    By 18 I was ready to commit suicide. I wanted nothing more than to run the knife over my wrists and get it over with, but I have a wrist phobia, a fucking wrist's stopped me so many times...

    And then I met this wonderful guy. I moved in with him, he treated me so well. I'm away from my parents, have been for a year and a half...he helped me keep my depression down, he made me laugh.

    But now I find myself returning to where I was, and I just can't get out of it. My job is horrible, my boss hates me and is making life so hard for me. She's purposley doing things to make it hard for me...I don't get along with any of my co-workers...I've been trying to get another job for months and months and months now but with no success. All my friends have disappeared, and I don't make them very easily. I'm shy and have no self-esteem from years of being taunted and put down.
    And now my boyfriend...we argue, we fight...he wont talk to me...he hurt me tonight and I just don't know what to do. He wont acknowledge I exist right now.

    I gave up cutting about a year and a half ago...but I've started again as of last month. I just can't stop. Tonight I ran it so deep across my arm that I need stiches...
    I'm so scared. I'm so over all this pain, it's twisting inside me. I can't stop crying and I feel like such a waste of space...

    I'm so sorry to have burdened any of you.

    Goodnight. xxx
  2. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    dont believe the weather is perfect the day that you die.
  3. Adeline

    Adeline Well-Known Member

    Dear barnacle,

    You haven't burdened any one of us with your story. This is what this place is for. You're not a waste of space and there are people here who can defnitely relate to your story. It sounds like your depression and self-harm is pretty serious so I would definitely reccommend some professional help. I know that you have probably been told that before but it is really important.

    I'm sorry to hear that your parents were so awful to you. Verbal and emotional abuse are the most traumatic forms of abuse. Never believe what they said. You are not any of those things and I am shocked that those horrible, untrue things were said to you. You didn't deserve that type of treatment and I really hope that you realise that. I know that they have damaged your self-esteem but don't let them win. It is never too late to reach out for help and fight back.

    I hope that you have success in finding another job where you are respected and not harrassed by your boss. It is tough making friends. I can understand that. I struggle with it myself. I am lucky to have a few very close friends. What I do to make friends is I push myself out of my comfort zone and really try to strike up conversation and be friendly. I am shy like you and it is tough. It takes some getting used to but it does get easier as you get more practice.

    I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend. Why are you guys fighting? I hope that you resolve your problems soon. Are you alright?


    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 21, 2007
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.