At the end of my rope...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Celebrian025, Feb 22, 2009.

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  1. Celebrian025

    Celebrian025 Member

    I've had depression pretty much all of my life. The past 4 years it's getting worse. I really thought things were turning around for me though, I mean I have 4 wonderful children, a farm with horses and all kinds of critters, an amazing job and up until today an awesome live in boyfriend.

    Today he moved out, says he can't handle the constant fighting, the sad thing is it is 100% me. I'm not happy, so I get needy and demanding. I didn't realize I was doing it until tonight after trying to figure out what exactly went wrong.

    Then the truth hit me, I'm a horrible Mother the fact that my kids love me as much as they do is amazing.

    I'm 35 years old, and still can't hold a relationship.

    My kids would be so much better without me, I know they would!!!! but damit to hell I can't get their innocent faces out of my mind when I think about killing myself, all I see are their tears and no matter what I say in any letter, they'll never know how much I loved them.

    The boyfriend leaving me sucks, but what the hell, I suppose I'd leave me too, heck I'm already thinking about killing myself.

    I just want the pain to end, why bother climbing back to the top just so I can fall again??? Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result?
  2. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi. .. glad you reached out here.... we understand here, what you are going through.

    i have 2 children. i have told myself the same things you said in your post. but the TRUTH, the REALITY - is, , , that if you LOVE them. . you are being a good mom. love is most important. other things are secondary. and. .. this is huge. . ..if you end your life you will cause damage to them that is irreparable ((( i am not saying this to you as a judgment. i can say it - because i have been in the same boat. i have had the thoughts that everyone is better off if i simply did not exist. but it is a lie. ))) the truth is, your kids need you - and won't ever stop needing you. you'll just play different roles - but you will always be to them, a source of love, grounding, and a center - a home - all their lives.

    so . no matter how bad it gets hun, (((and trust me, i know it can get BAD))) please put the kids first. and hold on.

    let us help - you can find wonderful support and caring friends here. and pm me anytime, if you want to talk. i am here daily. i answer all messages, and there are SO many also - who'll do the same.
    your life, your gift to the world - is worth it. (((and, stop being so hard on yourself. we are all needy and demanding at times. it takes two. always. to make or break, a relationship)))
    i care about you xxx :hug:
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello CB,
    Welcome to the forum...So you are into horses huh?? MY brother and his family are into them big time and have a farm also..They go to all the rodeos and my neice is one of the top barrell racers...
    Your chidren will always need you. You are there confidant, who else are they going to tell there most inner secrets too...There yes are on you for guidance and there hearts are always open to you. Please don't leave them...My daughter and grandaughter are what keep me fighting!!!
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