I've had depression pretty much all of my life. The past 4 years it's getting worse. I really thought things were turning around for me though, I mean I have 4 wonderful children, a farm with horses and all kinds of critters, an amazing job and up until today an awesome live in boyfriend. Today he moved out, says he can't handle the constant fighting, the sad thing is it is 100% me. I'm not happy, so I get needy and demanding. I didn't realize I was doing it until tonight after trying to figure out what exactly went wrong. Then the truth hit me, I'm a horrible Mother the fact that my kids love me as much as they do is amazing. I'm 35 years old, and still can't hold a relationship. My kids would be so much better without me, I know they would!!!! but damit to hell I can't get their innocent faces out of my mind when I think about killing myself, all I see are their tears and no matter what I say in any letter, they'll never know how much I loved them. The boyfriend leaving me sucks, but what the hell, I suppose I'd leave me too, heck I'm already thinking about killing myself. I just want the pain to end, why bother climbing back to the top just so I can fall again??? Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result?