At the end of my rope

[catnip43]

For the first time in my life I called the Suicide Hot Line. I've been unable to work for over two years, been denied disability twice despite 5 dxs, and have been suffering from severe bipolar rapid cycling and little sleep for the last few days. Been living off of savings and cashed in 401Ks for the last two years. Straw that broke the camels back? The state of MO claims I owe them over 2K in taxes. I am guilty for not filing in a timely manner, but I finally filled out the forms and discovered that the 2K didn't take into consideration the tax witheld. I even got a letter a couple days ago, saying "thanks for submitting your return". I went over with a fine toothed comb and they actually owe ME money. So I just figured I was okay. Today I get a letter stating that if I don't pay the full amount in 10 days, they will put a lien on my real property and possible rape my bank account. I have no wages to garnish. It's Friday and I can't make any calls to them about this for two days. I have like 5 business days to yank all the money out of my account and put it in my Mom's name and probably have to sell my "beater car" to my Mom or put it in her name so I don't get that taken away. This letter is what "triggered me". I had sixty Ambiens in my hand, when I saw the magnet on the fridge and got the courage to call. I'm afraid that I'll probably end up in the ER at some point this weekend. I can't take anymore of these "bricks" thrown at me. Luckily I'm a vet and they can arrange for transportation. My Mom has blinders on and refuses to take me to ER in the event I fell I'm a danger to myself. She says only "weak and pathetic" people do that and she would have no part in this game. I feel good about reaching out but I'm still scared. Sorry for the venting but today, I came so close to attempting it was downright scary. Thanks for listening. I'm scared for my life right now.

cat

 

[Petal]

Hi and welcome to the forum,

Please, put away the pills and keep them out of sight or preferably throw them away somewhere where you wont be tempted to get them.

You called a suicide hotline? Did it help? How did that go?

Regardless of what your mom says, if you feel that you're a danger to yourself go to the ER. Don't ever be sorry for posting here,that's what this site is for :hug:

 

[catnip43]

Hi and welcome to the forum,

You called a suicide hotline? Did it help? How did that go?

Thanks Irish, it went well. I'm fortunate to have coverage through the VA. The girl I talked to has put in a consult for a suicide prevention coordinator to contact me on Monday. She may even be able to help me out with the threatening letters I'm getting from the MO state tax revenue service and help me out with possible getting resoures. You know I'm so mentally messed up that I didn't even realize it was Friday until I look at my phone. That's actually in the end what set me off. I can't call the tax revenue center until Monday, nor can I do anything about closing the bank account and/or selling the car if needed so they can't take it away from me. I "snapped" and I've been expecting this to happen any day now. As far as getting to the VA, they've (crisis line) informed me that if I was too shook up to drive (which I was last night), they would arrange for transportation. I haven't told my Mom about last night. I haven't told my Mom. I have no idea how she would react. Right now, I'm keeping the crisis number on the fridge and the pills have been put away. By the way, while I was on the line with the girl from the crisis center, she was looking up info on Ambien and suicidal thoughts are a common side effect. I had no idea. I've been using them a lot and have been trying to get off of them, but for the past few days nothing else is helping me sleep. I've gone from major depression sleeping 10 to 12 hours a day to manic irritability and only sleeping 3 or 4 hours a night. (I'm bipolar rapid cycling). Today I just feel "numb" and tired. Again, only got about 3 hours of sleep. I'm going to go put a movie in or something. Thanks for your support!

Leslie