At the end of my tether... please help me!

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by El_, Sep 5, 2008.

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  1. El_

    El_ Well-Known Member

    Hi all, been a while since i was last here. Below is what i posted on the 13th April 2007, 03:53 AM. Wow, a long long while!

    I have posted this here as im not too sure where to post it. If it needs to be moved please (to the mods) feel free to move it to the appropriate section. Thanks.

    Anyhow, im in need of your support again. I thought i would include my old post as it explains my past.



    Anyhow, since the above i have been in an acute psychiatric unit 2 more times. One was for a week in October 07, and another for 4 months from December 07 to March this year. This was because BOTH i and my CPN felt i would be a danger to myself and those around me. Same happened as my 1st visit to hospital. It became a holiday camp where all i did was mess about, get drunk and screw myself up even more. Granted i made a few more friends, but thats not what its all about. I lied my way out again, after a visit from a Forensic Psychiatrist which scared me into lying after realising the seriousness of my situation.

    Im on the out now, no longer living with my parents, living in a council hostel. When i moved in i allowed myself to be treated like a mug and had money, food, clothes and even my PS3 stolen from me.

    Ill give a basic run down of my current problems as of now. I have been diagnosed with Moderate Depressive episodes and Complex PTSD (complex being the doc couldn't explain it to me so gave it that name... :/). Since hosp i have been left with severe anxiety problems and barely leave my hostel, never on my own. My eating disorder is still there. I cant swallow my Anti-Depressant medication because of the time i OD'd. Its strange, i can't even perform the swallow motion, i end up gagging and throwing up. My OCD has got worse, i drink alcohol and smoke all day. The voice i hear is really tormenting me now. Im back to burning my arm with cigarettes, slapping myself, headbanging walls and generally beating myself up. I have been enduring very twisted and intense delusions or day dreams aswell as severe headaches. My asthma nurse said if i didn't quit smoking and start taking my inhalers soon i would be in severe trouble. So not am i in severe mental trouble my physical is in danger too?

    Im drowning under my problems. I can no longer see the surface.

    My CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) refuses to read let alone respond to my emails now. 1 year and 8 months i have been in the system now, not once have i spoken about my problems face to face, yet she refuses to allow me to tell her whats wrong the only way i can.

    I cannot kill myself. Been there, tried that and ill be frank with ya'll, i just dont have the balls to go through with it, despite coming close once. I WANT help. I NEED help. I know that. Im no longer in denial, but my CPN is a no go zone. I dont like her and cant communicate with her. She even rejected my wishes to change to a new CPN.

    Please, im asking for help. Does anyone know of anyone i can get in contact with, to share all this with and get help? Please dont refer me to the samaritans, they provide the most useless service known to myself (but dont listen to my opinion, i had a bad experience with them so im being biast). I have the mental health number, but i cant call them. I have dialled the number so many times and hung up as it rung, i have lost count!

    Im dying slowly now, falling into psychosis. The delusions become more frequent, more sinister, more out of my control. Sometimes i even allow them to take over me, take control. Its almost as if i like it. I know thats wrong. I know thats sick, but im losing me. Im starting to lose comprehension of what is real and what is not.

    Please i ask, no, i beg anyone that reads this, put me in touch with the right people so i can get help. PLEASE!

    Chosen One
     
  2. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    To be honest I'm not sure at the moment who the best person to speak to is, but, I think there could be a deeper issue somewhere beneath the surface that needs to be dealt with. A lot of people might try and tell you that there is something wrong with you, but from your post you sound like a fairly sane person, ie you know what is going on and are honest about it and whatever label the doctor gave you sounds like a load of bollocks.
    Personally I would try and find some sites on the internet - when I was in the shit, I was constantly looking at internet sites, not necessarily EXPECTING them to help, but somehow hoping, and eventually I found one that did.
    I don't really know about delusions, but I don't want to treat you as someone who is a fuck up. You clearly want help and that is definitely a start. If you need to talk then you can message me.
     
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