At what point am I going to matter?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Witty_Sarcasm, Oct 22, 2015.

  1. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    It seems like no matter how much I do for people, it is never enough. I put their needs before my own, and that's still not good enough. God forbid I take care of myself, then they'll really be mad. I had a friend say I left her because I didn't respond for a day. No, actually my modem blew out, so I wasn't left with any other choice. If I was lying in a ditch, people would still complain that I wasn't there for them. I can drink myself silly and get high and mask my feelings, because I can't deal with them, and yet no one ever stops to ask if I'm ok. Of course not, because I wasn't there for them for 5 minutes and took some time to myself. I didn't respond right away again and she said we are drifting apart. Sorry I didn't respond to your liking. Sometimes I have other things to do. She went and told people that I am an amazing friend, but she thinks I hate her. I am there for her, always supporting her, I even told her she could stay with me if she had nowhere else to go, AND SHE THINKS I HATE HER?!? Sorry, didn't mean to yell there. Just a little upset about things. My best is never good enough, no one ever thinks I am on their side. I give my all but people always demand more. I can barely hang on myself but I have to be the pillar of strength for everyone else. I am just about done because I can't really cope with this anymore. Sorry for whining, I just needed to let out my frustrations somewhere.
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Someone had heard my story and they said, "That means you lie a lot". No I don't!! I don't know why I get mistreated, I don't do anything that bad to people. But if I really am seen as that bad, what is the point to my existence? I am feeling like there is no point to anything anymore.
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Perhaps, and don't take this wrong; but maybe it's time you actually did take time for you.
    I used to be just like you; in fact I was a bloody doormat and therefore got treated like one.
    One day, the worm turned and was packing an uzi!
    I didn't row or sound off, I just wasn't so available.
    I'd nicely inform friends that I was busy but would phone them at a more convenient time.
    Yes, I lost some friends; but it begs the question, if they couldn't let me be me, then how good a friend were they?
    Those that accepted the new me, are friends to this day.
  4. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry Christy, I know it doesn't matter as much coming from a stranger, but you matter to us here. I actually really relate to the situation with you and your friend. I have a close friend whom I love more than anyone else, and whom I always try to reach out always insist that I don't care about her. It sucks because it implies that they don't notice the kindness we show them. They care about us to,they just have their own insecurities and problems that make it hard for them to accept love when they don't feel like they deserve it, at least that's my theory.
    3 people like this.
  5. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    The people on SF aren't like strangers, we are all like one big family. It does mean a lot, having support from great people here :) That really hurt me though, she knew I would read it, when will she get I am not like everyone else? Then the random guy saying I must lie a lot because people hurt me. Why would that have the power to make me cry? He is someone random, doesn't know me at all, yet that hurt me. It reminds me of friends and family and others who say things to me that hurt me, like I am a liar, a bitch, a fake, I have an attitude problem, etc. I am depressed, I am suicidal, I am not happy all the time, but I am honest with people and as kind as I can be to them. I hide my feelings sometimes because I don't want anyone to know how bad off I am. If this makes me a fake or liar in their eyes, then so be it. I am just so ready to give up, I can't take it anymore.
    3 people like this.
  6. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You are too good of person to allow the attitude of a stranger to upset you. While I know it is easy to say and hard to do, you know you are a good person on the inside and the people that don't see it are the ones that are missing out. Being true to yourself means you get to decide how much to share of what you feel with who and when, and does not make you a fake or a liar. You get to decide how to answer questions like how are you feeling because you are the one that has to decide how much you can deal with answering more questions, or if you are trying to put the situation behind you and do the "fake it til you make it" method of trying to feel better. You are not obligated to answer about your inner thoughts or feelings until they have earned your trust.

    You matter anytime you decide you matter- and that is whenever you make decisions for yourself based on how you feel. When you matter to yourself - that is the most important. So please make sure you matter to yourself first and foremost.
    2 people like this.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Besides real life, I sometimes message you to see if you are okay. I am the same I put others needs before mine, if i had 20 euro and someone needed it more than I did, they would get it and I know that is pretty stupid of me. But you DO matter NOW. Start looking after no.1=you first.
    We all like you here, i for one love reading your post, you are such a smart and fun person (hugs) to you.
    2 people like this.
  8. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Thank you all for your support :) You are right, I am a good person and I can't let people get me down. A friend of mine got really angry with me because he knows that I am doing things that are not good for me, just to bury my feelings. He said bad things happened to his nephew and that it will screw up my brain chemistry. I didn't mean to make someone else mad at me. I am just a giant fuck up and I am crying again. It just seems like I can't do anything right. I'm only hurting myself so why should it matter?

    Someone else was talking to me, trying to help me. He said I will find a reason to live. For him he said he almost succeeded in dying, then he had a son and that changed his whole life. I wanted to settle down and have kids, but I fail at every relationship I try. I don't think anyone will ever want to marry me. I doubt anyone would even want to go out on a date. I just feel so low again and can't stop beating myself up. I don't want to feel anything at all, it's too much.
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Witty, I think you know I do not write in the general forum. but I had to respond here. You do matter. Although I know that your experinces are legitimate. You ARE a good person. And that's why I had to respond. I do not know why its people's lot in life to have certain experiences. All I can do is hope with all my heart that the experiences will change. For you, and for so many others who deserve the good they give. Because you do deserve the good you give. You are a good person !!
  10. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Thank you so much, flowers :) I hope things get better for me, you, and everyone else here. I wish things didn't have to be so tough, and it's harder on those of us who are really sensitive. I just hope that things will turn around for the better.
  11. jlbArt

    jlbArt Well-Known Member

    I've been feeling the same way lately. I some sort of hungry ghost just moving around blind hoping to find a purpose, and people that I Matter to.
  12. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I agree with you Witty, its hardest for those who are quite sensitive. We feel things so deeply. I always try to believe that things will turn around for the better. I have an easier time believing it for others than self. I do not know where the hug is on this new format. So just consider yourself hugged. I will send you a yahoo hug. this is what it looks like >:D< Okay, well that didnt work out too well. I hope you have a good imagination :(

    JibArt Hopefully you will find your purpose ( or a purpose) soon. If it helps any, I think its a great start that you are trying to find it. I think having a purpose does make things so much easier.
  13. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Thank you flowers, no matter what the hug looks like, I can still feel it :) I wish the hugs here were real, but I know there is still feeling behind them, and that's all that matters.

    JLbart, I understand how you are feeling. You matter here, and I hope you will find more friends, ones that value you, the type of friends you deserve.