At what point do I just give in to the demons and step over the edge?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ang, Oct 24, 2012.

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  1. Ang

    Ang Member

    I just turned 50 years old, I've been fighting with my demons my entire life. All of my adult life I have had the help of therapists, doctors and medications and still the pains are as intense as they were when I was living through the trauma all those years ago. Nothing ever changes for me. I've lived through one attempt at suicide ten years ago and very much regreted it. I think about how ending my life would simplify the lives of the people that I love. I think about it often and I have a plan. The unknown for me is what is slowing down the process. I don't know if there's a god and all that other religious stuff, so the unknown of what comes with the afterlife scares the hell out of me. Then I wonder can it be any worse than the way that I feel in my head now? It's all very confusing to me, so I sit on it.

    Just very recently I confronted (by e-mail) my "christain" father and asked him to take some responsibility for some of the things that happened to me and my brother when we were kids. All I really needed was to hear that he was sorry that we had a bad childhood and that he was sorry that it happened... something of that sort, but he never said a word. I poured my heart out to this guy and he blew me off, like he has done my entire life. I told him I was still feeling suicidal and he had no response. I shared with him by detail what my brother and I went through as children when he abandoned us and left us to be raised by a monster who made it his business to beat my mother on a nightly basis, while we were in the home. I witnessed things no child should ever see. Again, no responce. I told my father that I used to lay in bed planning my stepfathers death and I was between 7 and 12 years old.

    This is only bits and pieces of my story. Somehow I managed to grow into a woman who chose men to build healthy relationships with, I went to school and became a Behavior Specialist and worked with autistic kids, I never did drugs or alcohol, etc. The one issue that I did and still have is that I can't let go of my past, no matter what. It eats me up. People don't understand me, when it comes to this.... sometimes even the professionals don't get me. Instead of getting better through the years, it's been getting worse.

    The monster (stepfather) also (accidentally) took my 14 year old brother's life in a car crash at Christmas, when I was 17. I unfortunitely, was the one to take the phone call and learn the news of my brother's death. The caller thought he was talking with my mother. That was a huge amount of trauma for me, which happened 32 years ago and I still mourn for him like it were yesterday. How messed up is that? There's a part of me that refuses to let my brother be dead.

    Back to why I'm posting here. All the therapy, the docs, the meds.... now I'm in a intensive day treatment therapy program and I feel as if I'm going nowhere. What's the point? I have chronic migraines, that I'm sure some are related to stress. The meds aren't stopping them. Going to sleep and never waking up seems like my best option. Plus, it would be a huge releif on my mother who is always worrying about me or pulling me out of some kind of mess I've got myself into. At what point do we take the burdon off of the others?
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 24, 2012
  2. lilodian4ever

    lilodian4ever Account Closed

    Dear Ang,

    I'm much younger than you, but believe me, I've been through a shitload of pain myself, and can relate to what you're going through (multiple chronic psychosomatic symptoms brought on by stress, for example). But still, as someone who only knows pain and hasn't been within 1000000 miles of happiness, it is SO HARD for me to cheer you up or say one single positive thing to you, but I'll try, nevertheless.

    I just would like to ask you if there is anyone at all who you believe cares about you ? Is there anyone who would be devastated with you gone ? Also, do YOU truly care about that person(s) ? Enough to withstand the suffering you're going through ?

    Is there something you can lose yourself in ? Perhaps volunteering for a humanitarian cause (or even taking care of animals) ? I lost myself in fitness for example (I worked on it so hard that I injured myself permanently). But, the point is, I'd like you to find something you can completely lose yourself in, so that you can distract yourself from the unbearable pain you go through everyday. If you could find such a project/hobby, you could, at the very least, distract yourself, till, one day, you do find peace, through natural causes. Perhaps you could touch others' hearts in the process, making you feel better. Such an endeavor would act much the same as any pills a doctor could prescribe, i.e. they would take your mind off your pain, temporarily. And, if you keep doing it and doing it, well, time would pass and perhaps even fly. Better than not doing anything, right ?

    I apologize if I'm way off, here, or if none of this makes any sense to you, or if none of this is even remotely possible. It's just something I would do (I already tried, and it was put to an end by my injury).

    Good luck to you, fellow human being !
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I was poisoned by something in my past, it ate away at me.
    One day, and I have no idea why, I forgave the person, even if I can never forget.
    Such a wave of peace descended on me, I can't describe it, beyond saying it was a wonderful feeling, so much crap just fell off my shoulders.
    If you could let it go, you would own your own life again. :hug:
  4. Lps

    Lps Well-Known Member

    Terry, I think that's wisdom. A lot of suicide comes down to the question: what is killing YOU?
  5. Ang

    Ang Member


    There are many people in my life who care about me and love me very much, for that I am grateful. I often think that ending it would actually give them a break from all the worry and craziness that my mental illness adds to their lives. I think about this often. As far as keeping busy with things that are meaningful to me, I do that. It works, but usually only short term or I have episodes where I sleeps for weeks at a time... last winter I slept around the clock for 3.5 months to escape my life. At that time it was the only way I could cope with having to actually be alive. Thanks for your kind words and encouragement.
  6. Ang

    Ang Member


    I will never be able to forgive. I'm way too angry. After 30 plus years of therapy my therapists are recommending that I just bury parts of my past, as continuously going over it has been more damaging to me.
  7. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    Your suffering from Complicated grief and complex-post traumatic stress disorder. Neither of these can be treated by anti-depressants, or medication effectively, the only real way of dealing with them is therapy with people who specialize in these fields and lots of social and emotional support. These are relatively new diagnosis and as such there isn't much understand from professionals about them.
  8. lilodian4ever

    lilodian4ever Account Closed

    Hi Ang,

    I read what exkend said below, which made a lot of sense (PTSD), and I just thought of something (I have read TONS of books on psychology, in an attempt to understand myself). There is one special kind of treatment out there - it is expensive, but is supposedly quite effective for PTSD victims. Forgive me if you already know about it, but I have to mention it to you - EMDR ... Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing.

    Basically, what they do is that they subject you to visions of things that force your brain to recall the past, in order to confront them and HOPEFULLY come to terms with them and forget them.

    Is this something you could try ? I would really urge you to try it out ... please, please, please give it some thought.

  9. Ang

    Ang Member

    PTSD is one of my many diagnosis. I have never heard of EMDR, but I am open to anything really. I'm definitely going to look into it. Thanks.
  10. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    Hello, it's not ptsd it's complex ptsd that you probably have. Ptsd normally goes away after a certain period of time complex ptsd, sometime called chronic ptsd, is a long term term condition. EMDR and talking therapy are currently, the only know method of dealing with it. The issue with your brother sounds very much like complicated grief, or maybe prolonged grief. Either way I wish you the best.
  11. Lps

    Lps Well-Known Member

    Ang, for those who love you, the loss of you is the worst possible. It's never, ever a relief, and you are not a burden. People they DON't like are a burden, hahah. They love YOU. So you are never a burden.
  12. lilodian4ever

    lilodian4ever Account Closed

    Hi Lps, I know what you mean, and I partially agree with you. But, think about how selfish it is to want others to stay (no matter how close they are to you), despite their suffering.

    In other words, the bottom line is: when one is mentally ill: it's a LOSE-LOSE situation. Nobody wins, no matter what.
  13. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    Respectfully I don't agree. If you really care about that person you would try to learn what's wrong and how to help them. It would develop your compassion, patience and faith in your fellow human as well as develop your intellectual know how regarding , grief, depression, suicidality and mental health issues generally. So it could be easily argued the other way round. I don't mean to offend by the way.
  14. lilodian4ever

    lilodian4ever Account Closed

    With all due respect, exkend,

    I think your view is a bit idealistic, and not very realistic. Please allow me to illustrate my own real world example:

    My parents, without a doubt, love me and care about me. They stayed together through much hardship, just so they could see me through to college. However, they do NOT accept mental illness. They don't understand it, and don't want to, either. When I told them about my BPD, AnxD, and MDD, they just said "Ah, there's nothing wrong with you. Don't waste your money on quacks and pills. Just get married. That will fix everything". How hurt do you think I felt when I heard that from my own parents ?

    Just because someone cares about you does not mean they can and/or will be able to help you in such a situation (mental illness). We must remember, we still live in a world where mental illness is stigmatized, and families don't like to accept that one of their own is mentally ill. Usually, THEY JUST DON'T FUCKING GET IT.

    Bottom line: Love and care do not automatically guarantee that someone will be able to understand you, if you are mentally ill and need that kind of help. That's why psychiatrists, therapists, and anti-depressants exist.
  15. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    It's not necessarily a lose-lose situation. Mental illness can be well controlled with the right combinations of treatment. Having a mental illness does not mean you are doomed for life nor does it have to restrict you in what you choose in life. Mental illness can be a chronic manageable condition, like many of the physical conditions out there. And just because loved ones don't always understand, it doesn't mean that they don't care and would not support you in such situations if life and death depended on it. Losing someone, under any circumstances is difficult but there's always something about suicide where the grief hits harder and nastier. Killing yourself will not relieve anyone, in fact it would cause more grief and problems than it would solve. Hope you feel better soon :hug:
  16. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    yes i agree, it's a very unfortunate situationfor evryone concerned. Families and friends leave when we need them, society ostrazises thoses who need supoort at their most desperate point. With the example you gave of your parents, there was an opprtunity for them to reach out and help learn and support you, but due to their ignorance and fears they effectively pushed you further away.
    All I'm saying is the opprtunity is there. Love and care( compassion) are the foundations for trying to make that attempt to help thoses who need it. Don't get me wrong almost all those I love have either left me, can't or are unable to help me in my life. Yet I still believe we have the opportunity to help one another, even if it means speaking the truth.
    Your right I am idealistic and maybe that's a bad thing but I have to try.
  17. Ang

    Ang Member

    In my situation I am supported by the people that I most care about so that's good. The problem is that I feel badly that they are spending so much of their time, emotional energy and even large amounts of money to do so. My mom has a heart issue so I worry about her getting sick caring for me. Do you see where I'm coming from?
  18. katrina77

    katrina77 Guest

    Ang, I can understand that you worry about those that love you, and you don't want them to worry about you, nor do you want to cause them any pain. But if you were lost, especially to suicide, their pain would not cease. Not ever. The best way to help them, is to help yourself.

    Forgivenss is hard. Damn hard. But without it, I don't believe there can ever be healing. And we don't do it because others necessarily deserve it, we try to do it to free ourselves from pain.

    I also had multiple childhood traumas. Severe physical, sexual and emotional abuse from my family, and in addition, a life threatening illness throughout my childhood. And the worst, was being molested by two of my doctors. I hated them so much for what they did, and no doubt did to others as well. It was literally eating me alive. Talking to the right therapist can help, but it's hard, because you have to relive the incidents to tell others about what happened. I just found that too traumatic. So. I thought I could suppress the memories, and used alcohol, food, etc., to try and help. But it doesn't work, it just prolongs the pain.

    A while back, I was listening to the teachings of Joyce Meyer. She talked about forgiveness. And like most people who have been hurt, I thought "yeah, right". But I heard how she had managed to forgive her father for what he had done to her, and the joy and freedom she had found in that. She hadn't wanted to forgive, and it didn't come all at once. But our brains are wonderous things. Whether or not you believe in God, our brains can be trained to think certain ways. They did a study with basketball, with some people practising physically, and others only mentally. They found the ones that had trained only mentally, actually did better. Their brain was "tricked" into thinking they had actually played.

    So, we can tell our brains we forgive. We say it out loud every day. We can push out other thoughts. It isn't easy, and it takes time. But it is so worth it. I am getting past my anger. I can't ever change what was done to me, but I can decide that I won't let it kill me. I will push through, I will survive, and I will be happy. And the more I say it, the more I feel it.

    I sure wish you the best in finding peace in your life.
  19. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    You sound a lot like me, I will be 50 next year, had a terrible child hood that messed me up pretty good. I am about the unluckiest person you could meet. Never have been able and cannot now get a break in any way.
    Right now I literally take things one day at a time as cliched as it sounds. Things are rough. I just look forward to little things because it's essentially all I have. I've also found talking to other folks in here, especially young people who are not doing well, is helpful. I hate seeing these young folks talking about killing themselves and really want to help in any way I can. I always think my case is a rare one but I see other people in the same boat (like you). Hang on. At least for now, if you can. We have those chemicals in our brains that have us think this way, recognize that and try to fight it. It's what I do. Email me if you like.
  20. lilodian4ever

    lilodian4ever Account Closed

    Ang, I totally get where you're coming from.

    My own mom has heart issues (she's a ticking bomb), so I don't even tell her about colds and fevers, coz I know she'd end up in the hospital.

    I must admit that your situation is way more complicated than mine, because of 2 reasons: 1 - your parents actually support you, both emotionally and financially, so you must feel like a burden (even though that may be questionable, given that you're their love and joy), and 2 - your parents, I'm assuming, live geographically closer to you than mine do to me (mine live 10,000 miles away), and DO NOT support me either emotionally or financially.

    In fact, it's the other way around, for me - when I talk to them these days, I tell them everything's ok, and I send them money each month (coz I have nothing to save up for - no house, no family, no future ... and pretty soon, no physical life)

    Anyway, your situation is clearly very emotionally fragile. Please weigh your options with a lot of thought, to determine what's best for your family in the long run.

    Again, best wishes, and hugs :)
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