I just turned 50 years old, I've been fighting with my demons my entire life. All of my adult life I have had the help of therapists, doctors and medications and still the pains are as intense as they were when I was living through the trauma all those years ago. Nothing ever changes for me. I've lived through one attempt at suicide ten years ago and very much regreted it. I think about how ending my life would simplify the lives of the people that I love. I think about it often and I have a plan. The unknown for me is what is slowing down the process. I don't know if there's a god and all that other religious stuff, so the unknown of what comes with the afterlife scares the hell out of me. Then I wonder can it be any worse than the way that I feel in my head now? It's all very confusing to me, so I sit on it. Just very recently I confronted (by e-mail) my "christain" father and asked him to take some responsibility for some of the things that happened to me and my brother when we were kids. All I really needed was to hear that he was sorry that we had a bad childhood and that he was sorry that it happened... something of that sort, but he never said a word. I poured my heart out to this guy and he blew me off, like he has done my entire life. I told him I was still feeling suicidal and he had no response. I shared with him by detail what my brother and I went through as children when he abandoned us and left us to be raised by a monster who made it his business to beat my mother on a nightly basis, while we were in the home. I witnessed things no child should ever see. Again, no responce. I told my father that I used to lay in bed planning my stepfathers death and I was between 7 and 12 years old. This is only bits and pieces of my story. Somehow I managed to grow into a woman who chose men to build healthy relationships with, I went to school and became a Behavior Specialist and worked with autistic kids, I never did drugs or alcohol, etc. The one issue that I did and still have is that I can't let go of my past, no matter what. It eats me up. People don't understand me, when it comes to this.... sometimes even the professionals don't get me. Instead of getting better through the years, it's been getting worse. The monster (stepfather) also (accidentally) took my 14 year old brother's life in a car crash at Christmas, when I was 17. I unfortunitely, was the one to take the phone call and learn the news of my brother's death. The caller thought he was talking with my mother. That was a huge amount of trauma for me, which happened 32 years ago and I still mourn for him like it were yesterday. How messed up is that? There's a part of me that refuses to let my brother be dead. Back to why I'm posting here. All the therapy, the docs, the meds.... now I'm in a intensive day treatment therapy program and I feel as if I'm going nowhere. What's the point? I have chronic migraines, that I'm sure some are related to stress. The meds aren't stopping them. Going to sleep and never waking up seems like my best option. Plus, it would be a huge releif on my mother who is always worrying about me or pulling me out of some kind of mess I've got myself into. At what point do we take the burdon off of the others?