At what point is suicide sensible for me?

Sorry to keep posting threads.

I've got my psychiatrist in a month, and he knows I made a suicide attempt since our last appointment.

I'm hoping he'll have some medication fix for me. I'm on 10mg aripiprazole and 50mg sertraline. I want to try a mood stabiliser or ADHD medication or both.

My question is, at what point would suicide become sensible for me? I'd like your honest opinions, based on what I say.

In case you haven't read my other threads, my story is that I did well at school right up until 18, then up until now (I'm 22) I've crashed at university maths with my mental health issues/possible lack of ability (though I got above average grades for entrance to my degree, and below average degree performance by pretty much dropping out, which only 10% do, so this is an academic decline).

Last year, I started the third year of my degree again full time, but came out with only 1/6 of the credits for the year, and with crap grades in them at that.

My goals in life are:

1/ to feel happy

2/ to study all 300 (roughly) maths textbooks in my room

3/ to achieve something creatively (e.g. write books, make music, make maths etc)

4/ to earn a decent amount of money

5/ to marry and stay married

Thing is, I can't achieve any of these right now, because with my diagnoses (schizophrenia, social phobia, Asperger's, or just elements of all of these) I find things unenjoyable and hard.

If the last two years are any guide, I'm going to achieve nothing in life. I've spent big chunks of the last two years pretty much suicidal, lying in bed, not enjoying anything, getting drunk on my own, feeling lonely and wanting friends and a wife, doing unpaid volunteering, failing my way through uni, and smoking tobacco. I haven't really studied maths properly since I was about 17 (or arguably 20, but I'm not sure).

In spite of having fairly wealthy parents who say they can keep me off the streets and in food and clothing (if I can't do these things for myself) until they die, I find home life hard, feel that my parents sometimes resent me for disappointing them and leaving them with little choice but to provide food and shelter for me (which means they rarely have friends over because people are scared of me or my parents are scared I'll act oddly) and live in constant fear of future homelessness and starvation. I also live in fear of cancer, with decent reason, because I smoke and drink.

I doubt I have a good enough life expectancy to achieve everything I want to (especially considering my smoking and drinking, which I'm finding hard to quit, and which have already probably damaged me hugely).

Another thing is that I think achieving all my goals is unrealistic, as you do probably. Unless I get (very, unrealistically) lucky and make millions off two years of work on making music or something, I'll probably be grafting away to earn enough money to get by, come home exhausted every night, and have no time to study 300 maths textbooks. If I just studied 300 maths textbooks, I'd probably know lots of theory, but not have the social confidence/mental health to get out in the real world and get my degree and use the knowledge, so nobody would care and I'd end up hating myself and being frustrated that I was so knowledgeable but nobody cared.

That's all assuming I ever have the mental health to attempt even one of my goals. Right now, I just don't attempt any of them (other than volunteering, which is to get references for paid work so I can earn money).

I can sometimes be happy, but I'd say the sad times outweigh the good times vastly. Today, I enjoyed my day trip with my family to the beach, but that's a rare occurrence. I might be getting a bus pass soon, so I could do more day trips I enjoyed, but I'd still be carrying all my fears for the future. Also, even if it did make me happy, in some ways, right now, I think I'd rather be dead than be happy with no intelligence or understanding of anything.

To actually get a wife, or anyone's respect, I think I'd have to have a fair level of success, which is very hard for me. Forget respect and a wife though, to actually have people not resenting me for being a "scrounger" (if I don't work or contribute anything, then I'd be living off other people's work, and either living off my parents' money or society's money through benefits), I'd have to at least work a 40 hour a week menial job, which is a likely outcome, and I hate that idea, since I have some idea what it'll be like, considering I now do 28 hours a week of volunteering.

I think I'd be happy achieving all my goals except for the creative one or the maths textbook one.

 

I don't think suicide is ever a sensible solution. If you choose to live and at least try, there's always the possibility that you can achieve your goals, at least some of them, or you may make new ones, but if you attempt and succeed then you really do have no chance to succeed.

You didn't say how old your were but I am guessing you are at least in your twenties, and I would say you have a lot of time to achieve some of your goals or at least have a life you enjoy.

I used to be so scared of working a 40 hour a week menial job, and had some similar thoughts to you. I also used to think I would never find a wife. I even had a lot of similar goals to you at one point. What happened? I failed at most of them for a long time. I didn't have my degree. All of my relationships were train wrecks and I was very alone. I even wound up having to work a 40 hour a week job in retail just to get by. I was extremely suicidal during this time too.

The most important thing I did, though, was just hang on. I did so kicking and screaming. I was depressed and hopeless and didn't see a way out, but I hung in there for years with no progress on any front. Eventually, I found a career, a wife, and happiness I never thought were possible.

It may look impossible now, but don't count yourself out yet, and don't underestimate how your life can change positively and unexpectedly over time.

 

Thanks for the advice

I'm glad things have turned around for you

I'm sorry things were so hard.

I'm 22

Seriously considering checking out if mood stabilisers or ADHD medication don't work. But you've given me pause for thought. I'll wait and see.

 

Will I ever have the concentration to study?

 

I have that problem, too. I was diagnosed with ADHD in high school, and focus and motivation have always been problems for me. However, I figured out that I could still learn, just in a different way. Once I found a career I liked well enough, I learned on the job. I also started back to college, but this time I changed my mindset. I decided that the only reason I was going back was to be better at my job, so I only take 1 class per semester, and I'm not even necessarily going for another degree. I also don't care what grade I make anymore since I am paying for it myself. All I want to do is learn. In college, I figured out ways to make A's and not remember or learn a thing. Now, I'll take a C if I still learn something. I know a lot of careers require degrees, but in my current job I've come to learn that a lot of them don't, and more than anything people just want to hire those that can just get the job done.

 

Yeah I've been reading a lot about employers recently, and what I've read seems to agree with what you say about getting the job done rather than having great academics.

It's a bit depressing though. I wanted to do something really professional but I can't. People from my school who did worse than me are now getting first class honours degrees etc.

 

Hey dude,
You're ill and have been for a while. Depression is like having a broken mind. You wouldn't expect to be running marathons on two broken legs would you, so why are you so tough on yourself? (That's another consequence of depression btw). You don't say anything about getting any help with therapy or medication and if that is the case then the first thing you have to do is go and find some decent help. If your parents are wealthy it will be the best money they've spent believe me. You are 22 and have a whole life ahead of you. With the right treatment you could create the life that you want. And just before I finish this post I live with a pure mathematician who works at the very highest level and he says doing maths is more important than reading about it. I' never seen him read a book cover to cover, he just finds the specific areas he's interested in and works intensively on those chapters. He also suffers from major depressive disorder (as I do too) and his work in maths is some thing that helps keep him sane. I find an escape in literature and am currently working through the classics now that my concentration is back. I have a son a little older than you and can tell you that I would do anything to prevent his death by suicide; as I'm sure your parents will. Find the right help and hang onto your thoughts of a future. Take care.