Atonement and Endings

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by truhotsmeesylnoti, Apr 2, 2007.

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  1. truhotsmeesylnoti

    truhotsmeesylnoti New Member

    I sit here with three options, my first choice, a back up and something I’m struggling to still call an option. I don’t know why I am constantly this low, anything and nothing can trigger me feeling alone or paranoid, or angry or both and I can’t deal with it any more. I feel so isolated, all I’ve wanted is for someone to hug me and care about me unconditionally, but I can’t even dream about it anymore because I know I’m a nightmare to live with, I can’t even live with myself so how can I expect other people to. I just destroy everything I touch, I spoil all I get involved with and I fail at everything I do. Its never good enough, its never up to standards and just for once I want to succeed. I have to succeed. This time people are away, they will leave me in peace and they will forget. I can’t fail this time… I just want peace.

    Everything has been arranged, all my things have been packed up, there is removals van that is taking my stuff to a storage lock up and I have written to all the people that I need to. I don’t think anyone will understand why I have to take this last step but I know I do, I can’t wake up each morning and hope that I drown in my bath, or I get murdered on the way to work, or I get knocked down by a car and I die slowly. I used to want to die quickly, to get me off this planet as soon as possible now I need to atone for all the bad things I’ve done and I want to suffer when I die. I need to be punished and feel the pain as I go, but I need to go before I cause anymore harm or damage.

    I know I’m new here and I don’t know quite what I expect from posting here, maybe its just to know that someone, anyone may be reading this when I go. I am scared, I’m really really scared but I have to do this because I don’t know what else to do. I don’t deserve to be here.

    I’m sorry.
  2. zebedee

    zebedee Member

    From one person who destroyed everything he was involved with to another - stick around , there are still a world of options open to you and a forum full of people here who care.

    Find someone to talk to , if you dont want to find a professional then we are here , even if you do we are still here - there is always tomorrow or next week or next year and maybe in that time you'll find something to make you reconsider.

  3. Matty321

    Matty321 Well-Known Member

    Hey, tru.

    I lost my bro this way last summer. Shot himself with an AK.

    Even with two children I wanted to die with him, lay beside him, together. I wanted to follow him wherever he went.

    You got any family?

  4. truhotsmeesylnoti

    truhotsmeesylnoti New Member

    Zebedee thank you for the kind words and the hugs, the sentiment is really appreciated, so thank you again..

    Matty - I'm so sorry that you lost your brother and you have suffered as you have. I know you probably hear it alot but... In answer to your question I have two brothers, one is 13 and lives with my parents and the other left home last year and no one in my family know where he is or whether he's ok..
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