I sit here with three options, my first choice, a back up and something I’m struggling to still call an option. I don’t know why I am constantly this low, anything and nothing can trigger me feeling alone or paranoid, or angry or both and I can’t deal with it any more. I feel so isolated, all I’ve wanted is for someone to hug me and care about me unconditionally, but I can’t even dream about it anymore because I know I’m a nightmare to live with, I can’t even live with myself so how can I expect other people to. I just destroy everything I touch, I spoil all I get involved with and I fail at everything I do. Its never good enough, its never up to standards and just for once I want to succeed. I have to succeed. This time people are away, they will leave me in peace and they will forget. I can’t fail this time… I just want peace. Everything has been arranged, all my things have been packed up, there is removals van that is taking my stuff to a storage lock up and I have written to all the people that I need to. I don’t think anyone will understand why I have to take this last step but I know I do, I can’t wake up each morning and hope that I drown in my bath, or I get murdered on the way to work, or I get knocked down by a car and I die slowly. I used to want to die quickly, to get me off this planet as soon as possible now I need to atone for all the bad things I’ve done and I want to suffer when I die. I need to be punished and feel the pain as I go, but I need to go before I cause anymore harm or damage. I know I’m new here and I don’t know quite what I expect from posting here, maybe its just to know that someone, anyone may be reading this when I go. I am scared, I’m really really scared but I have to do this because I don’t know what else to do. I don’t deserve to be here. I’m sorry.