Attempted almost 8 years ago. Still no closure.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Manraviel, Aug 10, 2010.

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  1. Manraviel

    Manraviel New Member


    I tried to commit suicide about 8 years ago (last year of high school) by <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods>. Somehow, nothing happened other than a little nausea. So much so that no one even found out that there might be something wrong with me. I felt even more trapped in my head, and even more depressed.

    I decided to be glad for my survival and take matters into my own hands. I told my family about the attempt and announced that I needed to change my life and that their restrictions have to go.

    The family took away the restrictions fearing another attempt, but blamed me completely. According to them, the attempt only hurt THEM and how dare I do such a thing.

    Years passed, but every now and then there would be subtle taunts: "Ooo, don't say that to her, we don't know what she might do...." They've continued to this day.

    All throughout, I have not had one friend who has understood nor gotten me help to understand what I am going through or why I would take such a step. After years of denying them, I have realised my problems are still the same. I still think of suicide as the first and easiest solution to all my issues. I dream of various ways I can just end it.

    I am not scared of death. I was actually lucid and uncaring when I almost drowned a few years ago. Despite not having achieved my life goals yet, I will have no regrets if a car hit me tomorrow. I actually wish it would. Or a fatal disease take me.

    And lately it has gotten worse. I feel trapped in my body, and in my life, with no one to understand or care.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 10, 2010
  2. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Manraviel, I am sorry to hear that you are suffering so much. I am also sorry that your family does not understand you. However, that is no reason for you to end your life. You can always start life anew by yourself. How old are you, anyway? Sure you are suffering a lot right now, but that does not mean your whole life is going to be suffering, you'll meet new people who will care about you, and not see you in the same light as your family.

    Also, when they see that you have become strong and happy, they will stop bringing up the old song, about your past attempt.

    You sound like you are young with a lot of your life ahead of you, children, dreams to fulfill. mountains to climb.

    Don't let your pain affect you so much that you forget the awesome things in life.
  3. Much of what you said makes perfect sense to me, I can relate.

    8 years ago being your last year in high school means you're old enough to be independant of your family. Perhaps you're living with them (hence the restrictions you mentioned) or maybe you're bound by a conservatorship (I sure hope not), but in any case I think it would help you to take all matters that you can into your own hands. Become independant of your family, and everyone else for that matter. Money would probably be the most significant factor in doing that, so focus on that. Also cultivating social relationships that have no ties to family or anything or anyone else you're currently involved in/with would be of benefit. Start brand new on that level.

    The fact that you have lifetime goals at this point says something... You haven't actually given up. DON'T! Your goals are not out of reach.

    I've been through shit that closely resembles what you describe. I got through it by doing what it took to become independant of everyone. The journey wasn't pretty (and the scene still isn't) but my life's better than it was and the independance has allowed me to remove myself from those people and situations I find undesirable. I still don't fear death and suicide still always seems like an easy solution to my everlasting problems (as opposed to the ones that come and go) but now I have a sense of worth, not about myself but my situation, because I built it alone.

    I hope what I've said is somehow of some use to you. I wish you well, and hang in there.
  4. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    We graduated the same year!

    I know exactly how you feel.

    The thing about suicide and suicidal ambition is that once accepted, you'll always be different from people who haven't seriously attempted. But that doesnt mean you're alone in the world --far from it. You belong to an exclusive club of survivors.

    We didn't kill ourselves, but we are all marked by attempts and more importantly the knowledge that life ISN"T something worth fighting for. This doesn't mean you should consider suicide,as much as you should embrace the effect of attempting. You are special and most people won't empathize with you.

    But us survivors will. And it's important -- because in the "real world" most of us don't talk about past attempts - that you know we exist and we know what you're going through. You're one of us, and since you're one of us you know that suicide is the first choice, but all attempts prove that suicide isn't the RIGHT choice. Dying is cold, uncomfortable and fuzzy. It's not peaceful. But you and we looked beyond the veil.

    So screw other people who don't understand and know that we do. But also trust in yourself and the people you'll meet (note future tense), and know that you'll find that your experiences with death and suicide will make you a stronger person, and many people have moved on from suicidal tendencies. Marked by them and eventually strengthened by them.

    Don't give up, because WE know EXACTLY what you feel. And in that sense, we ---total strangers-- have a empirical bond that is stronger than my relationship with my live-in girlfriend and family. WE are a very special family. And no matter what....we know what you're going through and feel for you. We almost love you -- because your feelings are our feelings.

    Keep fighting, and know that people who feel like you, surround you in an invisible mass.

    You're on our minds.

  5. Joey's sister

    Joey's sister Member

    You've been given such wonderful advice and encouragement, I don't know what else to add, except that I'm sorry you want to end it all. There are other options for you and life waits ahead full of promise if you'll have it.
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