Hey, well I have been visiting the site on and off since I originally posted this thread... just sort of reading about other people. I'd like to say I am sorry for violating the rules, and I thank you for replying to me.
When I was 16 I tried to kill myself <mod edit; helena-method> and now I have a small scar... I evidently did it the wrong way. Shortly thereafter I was put on prozac, but I really didn't like feeling of being void of emotion. After a couple weeks I changed high schools and most everything seemed to get a lot better. But then, almost a year after my first attempt I got really depressed and would cry every night, alone, thinking about how pitiful and sad I was.
One day I decided that I would put things aside and try to live life without feeling depressed by keeping myself busy with school and a job etc. I also decided that night that I would continue living life, and that I would wait for sure until I was 19 before I would definately end my life. I did this so as to give myself a chance to see if life was worth living. Surely, 3 years is enough time to find meaning and a reason to live -- or so I thought.
Then a couple months ago I fell into a period of depression and I said 'fuck it, I can't take it anymore' and I tried to commit suicide <mod edit: helena-method> hoping that it would be the best, and least painful way. Well to make a long story short, it didn't work, for whatever reason and now I am fast approaching 19. I am an 18 year old male in southern california, I have never had a girl friend (I have social problems because of a condition, namely palmar hyperhydrosis) and my b-day is in the last part of january; so it's right around the corner.
I have been thinking about the deal that I made with myself about waiting till I was 19 by giving life three more years. And let me tell you, it has been very hard the last couple months!
If my life doesn't seriously get better I am going to try something more drastic <mod edit:helena-methods>
Do any of you have any suggestions about how I can make a full recovery and turn my life into one that's worth living? Or even some information about how to help me get started? I'm not interested in prozac because to me, living a life without emotion is worse than being dead.
I have also been thinking about moving to oregon and fucking up my body to the point of being terminally ill, <mod edit;helena_method>, and having a letter saying that 'I would like assisted suicide if ever I was in a persistant vegitative state.' The problem with this means that I would need to wait 2 more years to get residency before I did anything.