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Attempts at end of life...

#1
I am suicidal every day. IT doesn't matter if I am feeling good or not, I am always suicidal...
Its weird thing for me and my triggers. When I hold my triggers in my hands <mod edit - method> 3/4 of the time it calms me down.
Another 1/4 of the time a part of me just wants to do it.
Most of the time I eventually do it. Wether its 5 years or 10 years from now. Tomorrow can be today so why not just do it now?
I just do it and don't even think about the results of how damaging it can be to others to loose a love one.

I talk to my mom about suicide attempts and talk to her casually about it and she responds to it casually as well.
She says she would cry if she gets a call from the cops saying I'm dead. But is that really since my mom talks to me
casually about all my attempts?
So how is talking about it going to help me?
I don't know...
Shes surprised at how many suicide attempts I have survived 19 attempts and the numbers just keep going up.
I wonder how many more suicide attempts it would take to end my life?
I don't know that answer.

All I can do is answer it myself and find out for myself how many more attempts it would take to end my life.
I'm tired of feeling depressed, the mood swings, the downs, it doesn't matter what the feeling is I'm just so tired of it.
I can't get the help I need because the feelings are always there even when I'm in a good mood.

I think like that cause I know someone would take something away from me again and this includes my feelings.
So why feel good at all?

My life is sour. I just want a better life for me and I try to improve it but it seems nothing works.
I'm such a failure and everyone just wants to take advantage of something when I'm doing good.
Work or school it doesn't matter someone would take it away some how some way.
Wether its jail or my life they would take away.

I'm so sick of jail that jail triggers my PTSD and throws me into a frenzy to attempt suicide because I am tired of being in the same position all the time.
I can't get help no matter where I go. I could attempt suicide and they would discharge me the same day. They don't and won't help me by saying the psych
unit does't help me or by saying that all the beds are full.

So how else am I supposed to ask for help other than coming here?
 
Last edited by a moderator:

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#3
i think you should really try to get help. 19 attempts are excessive. call your hospital or doctor and get a list of resources where you can get help. welcome to SF please look at the different forums and post when you feel comfortable or use our chat section if you prefer real time. SF is a good place to get support. we can't fix everything but knowing that people understand can help. please keep talking we are lisening and we do care...mike...*hug*shake
 
#4
i think you should really try to get help. 19 attempts are excessive. call your hospital or doctor and get a list of resources where you can get help. welcome to SF please look at the different forums and post when you feel comfortable or use our chat section if you prefer real time. SF is a good place to get support. we can't fix everything but knowing that people understand can help. please keep talking we are lisening and we do care...mike...*hug*shake
How did you guess my name "mike"? O.o
 

Nick

☆☆Admin-tastic ☆☆
Admin
SF Social Media
SF Artist
SF Supporter
#5
How did you guess my name "mike"? O.o
Dodge's name is Mike, that's how he signs his posts.
Mike, meet Mike

Sometimes help is hard to find, I understand that for myself. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. That mental prison you just can't seem to break free of. When your mind is your prison it's no walk in the park. I don't have any easy answers, but I hope that by being here you can find some support.
 
#6
I've been to prison being in pm I walked in with one diagnosis and walked out with nine more. Prison has made me crazier than ever and being in confinement for 8 months is no help. so when I go psych it doesn't help it only makes me worse to try to seek help going psych. Things get worse every time and I just don't know what to do about it. I'm always stuck in the past cause I regret the things I have done.
 
#7
Dodge's name is Mike, that's how he signs his posts.
Mike, meet Mike

Sometimes help is hard to find, I understand that for myself. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. That mental prison you just can't seem to break free of. When your mind is your prison it's no walk in the park. I don't have any easy answers, but I hope that by being here you can find some support.
I'm transgender mtf i go by ariana btw not michael.
 

Legate Lanius

Well-Known Member
#8
For some people life is just hell. We are those people. It can change, of course, but we know that's bullshit. Hope you can find peace somehow.
 
#9
I'm tryn to find a peace hoping things would get better but it seems like it never does. Like I'm homeless right now and I figured if i'm homeless for the next four years I might as well go to college for those four years to try to improve my life. But at the same time I know someone will take it away from me wether or not its jail or prison or something else thats very bad. So whats the point of even tryin sometimes knowing that. But I still try to make the most of everything until something bad happens. When SHTF thats what makes me extremely suicidal.
 

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