Aug 2nd

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MoAnamCara, Aug 2, 2011.

  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Today is your birthday, I miss you so much.

    I am sorry I obviously wasn't there for you as much as I should have been.

    I am sorry that you didn't turn to me in your last days, your last hours when you needed help and were suffering so much.

    I am sorry that you choose that method. I often wonder if you had second thoughts once it started but had no way to escape?

    I failed you, as a best friend, my only best friend that I've had. I will not let anyone that close again, and no one will ever understand me like you did.

    I wish you were here, I wish we could sit and laugh like fools for hours.

    I try so hard not to forget the memories of things we did. My memories of you, the childhood ones, are some of the most positive childhood ones. I often wish I told you more about what was going on. But you knew enough to know I was hurting, even back then.

    I love you, I thank you for being in my life. I thank you for trusting me, for believing in me, for being that positive energy. I thank you for all the memories, for the laughs, the stupid fun, all of those things we did as children, as teens, as young adults and as adults.

    I miss you. I am so sorry. You are the best person I ever knew.

    I hope you are looking down on me, I think of you every day at some point and I comfort myself hoping you are with me in some fashion, in some sort of presence.

    There is no more to say, only I am sorry, again. Forgive me, please.
     
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Sending :hugtackles: your way.

    I am sorry for your loss. :(

    R.I.P. MoAnamCara's best friend
     
  3. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    hey!

    i just wanted to say that if i was your best friend, the last thing i would want is for you to feel this way. i would ESPECIALLY NOT want you to feel guilty over something that was probably not in your control. i highly doubt you failed as a best friend. that's not really possible. if you had failed as a best friend, you probably wouldn't have been best friends.

    my best friend is the only reason i'm alive today. and one day, i may very well give up. and it won't be her fault. not at all. what she has done of me is kept me going this long. because of her, i have been able to live a longer life than i would have otherwise. i have so many amazing memories, not just with her but with many new friends i have made over the years. i have seen a lot more of the world. i have graduated from college. before i met her, i never thought i would make it out of high school. and, if next year, i do kill myself, it won't be her fault. it will be my own fault.

    if she were here, she would probably want to thank you for the good times you guys had together. she wouldn't want you to feel this way.

    i hope you are going to be okay. PM if you need anything...

    and, as a good SF member, i am sending hugs your way :hug:
    as well as my thoughts/prayers...
     
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    :console: :hug: Mo, i'm so sorry for your loss.
     
  5. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Mo... :hug: :console:

    I am so sorry for your loss, it can't be easy. But I do know your friend would not want you to blame yourself ok! You did not let her down , she was probably not turning to you as she loved you so much she wanted to protect you, protect you from even more "what ifs" !

    Please don't feel like you let your friend down, what happened was no reflection on her love for you, or your love for her... just merely that at that time, at that moment the pain was greater,stronger... too much for her to bear.

    No words can ease or erase the pain, yet I hope it helps a little to know you're not alone. Albeit only cyber friendship on SF, the love, care and support is 1000 % real. Please try be kind to yourself and perhaps you could honor your friendship with her by doing something today that she would like? I believe we never truly lose someone as the love in our hearts goes on living and we forever feel connected to that person even though we don't see them anymore. Love lasts forever...

    Sending you much love and gentle hugs especially today! xxx
     
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    You know what? You guys are the best and I mean that.

    Thank you all for taking the time to respond, for your words of support, they mean a lot. I really just had to express what I did last night, I needed to say it to someone.

    Its very strange to think I've been close to joining her recently. I realize the sadness that such action creates, yet I also realize what the individual person is going through for them to feel like they have no other choice.

    Its just sad, how wonderful it would be if we could create a potion that would eliminate pain and sadness.

    hugs all around, thanks again & take care.
     
  7. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Your kind words mean so much to us!

    You too, take care and stay in touch. :hugtackles:
     
  8. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    If we knew what would be the outcome of many of our decisions, we might have made different ones...there is not a one of us who does not feel some regret...that is just the cost of being such imperfect humans...your friend was fortunate to have you...I am sure he knew that...and I am sure you did your best...that is just who you are...I am saddened that you have made the decision to not let others in again...it is their and our loss...know that I am thinking about you, and still want my job as the hug giver...big hugs and much caring
     
  9. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    Hey sweetie ....i just wanna pick u up and give u a big squish ! Giant hugs for u i am here if u need me xxx
     
  10. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Sadeyes... Your job will never be anyone elses! Thank you. Regret us a hard thing to live with unfortunately.

    shadowgirl... If you tried to do that lady, you'd be squished !!!!!! :)

    Thanks for your words and sentiments, I wish for one last conversation etc. I know its foolish to wish for things which are clearly impossible. But I can't prevent from going there.

    Hugs to you all.