Autistic, depressed, w/e..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LoD, Feb 2, 2007.

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  1. LoD

    LoD Well-Known Member

    I've been depressed for 3 years now, slowly as the time grows by, I lose more and more of my sanity, I can't stand myself.

    At night I lay awake, I close my eyes and cover my ears, though the voices in my head only grow louder. It grows more and more impossible to quench my thoughts. The voices are not talking to me, it's an.. agressive me, sort of say. It's still me, I just can't keep it quiet or control what it says... =/ I can silence it sometimes, for short periods of seconds, but they always come back eventually. It happens more and more as I fall deeper into this depression.

    The thing I fear most right now is not that I'll take my life, the fear of death has long been dissipated, it's the fear of losing whatever is left of my sanity and lose control.

    I guess the origin for this depression started because I'm autistic and can't socialize, or at least, not even the least bit as like I would want to.. I've always tried to be nice and kind, though I've got sh*t in return. My thoughts tend to be more aggressive out of their own as I care less and less about myself and others.

    I experience a sort of mental shutdowns at times when emotions grow too much for me, I won't utter a word at those time and just feel miserable until I finally fall asleep. This happens randomly, just pops up. At nights when I am with friends, this happens too. I'll just suffer this until I fall asleep, I've fallen asleep on so many occassions out of pure necessity... I've missed so much already. I don't want to spend another moment in sleep.

    I sounds so hopeful, heh. Just for the records, I have no hope whatsoever. It's just longing. Hope has lost my faith 2 summers ago.

    Is there anyone here, who's autistic, who recognizes anything in my 'story'?

    Just a clutter of randomness from the recesses of my madness..

    I'm not even sure what I want to accomplish by pressing 'submit new thread'. Seeing as some of you here have lots of experience helping others, I'll bathe myself in your knowledge. Talk to me.
     
  2. bombeni

    bombeni Guest

    Dear LoD: I am not autistic, but I have experienced some of what you mention including depression. And sleepless nights. I'd really like to get to know you. I'd like to talk to you through the private messaging system and share some info. with you. If you'd like to talk please PM me. I'm thinking about you.
     
  3. Zaitsev

    Zaitsev Member

    One of the biggest problems i have found working with the autistic spectrum is the complete seperation from what is considered " normal" life. I can empathise with you LoD for not being able to interact with society as much as you would like to, and can understand the effects that must have on you. But there are ways round this, and will endeavour to find out what i can anything that may help, but in the mean time speak to people here, the fact it is like this means there is a degree of seperation that might help.
     
  4. immure

    immure Account Closed

    my heart bleeds for u. i would really care to here more from u like sensory issues that u might be aware ur body displays and other things. i understand that the reason u r getting worse is due to the actual diteriation of ur organic brain. plz help me understand more. in kindness. keep up ur mental strength read do puzzles math whatever work that muscle
     
  5. DepressionII

    DepressionII Well-Known Member

    I'm not autistic, but an Asperger's Syndrome sufferer (so if you like, I'm "half autistic").
    I can really relate to being frowned upon by others man - talking to myself, weird and obsessive rituals, unusually hard to drag me out of my comfort zone even in my areas of best interest, or when striking up a casual conversation, I sound like I'm giving an English language lecture at Harvard (ie unusually big words) - these sort of things.
    It's like we've got this barricade, that people automatically know we have autistic tendencies and shun us. I don't know why it is, but it happens. I've basically given up on humans and this world as well. I spend most of my time alone or at work these days - intentionally avoiding friends. My relationship with some of those became quite decrepit a little while ago also.
    Asperger's is bad enough - I can't comprehend what full blown autism is like. It must be horrible beyond belief.
     
  6. LoD

    LoD Well-Known Member

    Bombeni

    I'll contact you, I'm not sure as to when, but I have no reasons to leave these forums yet, so I'll stick around a bit. I'll be on a computer tomorrow, I'll message you then. Thanks for caring.

    Zaitsev

    Thanks, I'll be bugging you in PM tomorrow as well. :) I hope you can help me find some helpful tips that I can use and share with others.

    immuse

    Thanks for the tips, I'll try and put these to use. Sounds logical, in a way. I was also wondering if detoriation could be a reason, maybe it'll help to just focus on reading and other things... You too will get a PM from me tomorrow. :)

    DepressionII
    I can empathise with you completely. It really is strange how people notice that something is off. I'm pretty good at copying peoples behaviors at times, but never would I get the same reaction as someone who's... 'Normal'.

    I've tried a lot of things relating to behavior of humans in certain scenario's, but I've come to the conclusion that either they notice I'm autistic, or they notice that I'm depressed. Which seems less logical, cause it used to be exactly the same before I was depressed. Somehow 'they' feel that something isn't what it should be and just choose to be.. different against 'us'. Does any of this make sense to you? :eek:

    You too shall not escape the PM tomorrow.


    PS
    Reason I'm replying tomorrow is because right now I only have 15 minutes behind a computer, tomorrow I'll have all the time in the world to reply at a leisurely pace.
     
  7. Girldontknow

    Girldontknow Member

    I am autistic also, well I have Aspergers (form of autism). I am in college and gruaduating soon. I had my first interview today and because of my lack of normal ability to communicate I sucked. I do not see a point of interviewing to get jobs... it will never happen. I should just go sit in a box on the streat to rot, I will always be lonely. Death sounds like a better answer for me.
     
  8. MrDepressed

    MrDepressed Guest

    There seams to be a few of us that use the board that have aspergers.. I hope you guys continue to use the board..
     
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