I've been depressed for 3 years now, slowly as the time grows by, I lose more and more of my sanity, I can't stand myself. At night I lay awake, I close my eyes and cover my ears, though the voices in my head only grow louder. It grows more and more impossible to quench my thoughts. The voices are not talking to me, it's an.. agressive me, sort of say. It's still me, I just can't keep it quiet or control what it says... =/ I can silence it sometimes, for short periods of seconds, but they always come back eventually. It happens more and more as I fall deeper into this depression. The thing I fear most right now is not that I'll take my life, the fear of death has long been dissipated, it's the fear of losing whatever is left of my sanity and lose control. I guess the origin for this depression started because I'm autistic and can't socialize, or at least, not even the least bit as like I would want to.. I've always tried to be nice and kind, though I've got sh*t in return. My thoughts tend to be more aggressive out of their own as I care less and less about myself and others. I experience a sort of mental shutdowns at times when emotions grow too much for me, I won't utter a word at those time and just feel miserable until I finally fall asleep. This happens randomly, just pops up. At nights when I am with friends, this happens too. I'll just suffer this until I fall asleep, I've fallen asleep on so many occassions out of pure necessity... I've missed so much already. I don't want to spend another moment in sleep. I sounds so hopeful, heh. Just for the records, I have no hope whatsoever. It's just longing. Hope has lost my faith 2 summers ago. Is there anyone here, who's autistic, who recognizes anything in my 'story'? Just a clutter of randomness from the recesses of my madness.. I'm not even sure what I want to accomplish by pressing 'submit new thread'. Seeing as some of you here have lots of experience helping others, I'll bathe myself in your knowledge. Talk to me.