Aversion to porn

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by elvinchild, Aug 24, 2009.

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  1. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    I was sexually abused, and its made me feel very uncomfortable with sex. I often experience flashbacks, where I feel like my boyfriend touching me is my abuser touching me. I can see a man's eyes turn from kind and well-meaning to the hungry eyes of a predator. I have seen a man give all for me and then discount my needs in the name of sexual desire and take over my body as I sob and hurt myself.

    I also have a lot of trouble with porn. As I have felt objectified, like a man's toy, during sex, I see that porn often depicts that idea. Its horrific to me that porn often acts out abusive scenes, but in general it just seems to objectify women as a tool for man's pleasure. I also have read that many girls who get involved in the porn business have been sexually abused/molested and therefore have learned to see their bodies as an object... that the porn business just furthers their erroneous belief and permits them from ever learning self respect. So I hate the porn business.

    And, I have so much trouble dealing with the idea that my boyfriend watches porn.Don't get me wrong, I know all guys do it. You can't stop it. But just the idea that he is taking in that kind of attitude towards women and finds gratification from it... I fear he may start to feel the same way about women. Its also just hard to feel adequate... I feel like I give him a lot of sex, much more than I want to, sometimes multiple times per day... and yet its still not enough? Sometimes he doesn't even get off from our sex, I'm afraid ordinary sex just isn't doing it for him because of the porn he's watching (which is an unrealistic depiction of sex - and I read a study saying that people will gain an immunity to the graphicness of porn and have to watch more and more intense stuff - leading to dissatisfaction in ordinary sex).

    How do I deal with this? I had the same problem in my last relationship. How can I get comfortable with it, if its not reasonable to ask him to stop?
     
  2. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    personally I don't think you should HAVE to deal with it.My ex was into watching porn online and it contributed to my eventually not wanting to be touched by him. Or be around him.There must be some men who at least hide it well enough that they do not want to hurt their partner,or offend them.Probably too much to ask to find a partner who isn't already married to porn..but...I do believe there are men out there who do give a dam about their partners well being and happiness and would be considerate and understanding.Have you told him how you feel?He should understand,but if he is like my ex..and he doesn't..then..remember there ARE other fish in the sea and some of them will understand you.You shouldn't have to compromise about this.
     
  3. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    Just fyi: not all guys do it, and they can stop it. Its a choice, not an inborn human need like breathing (or even procreation). If he's aware of how this makes you feel (and for some reason I have a feeling he is, considering the rest of your post - by the way I empathize with you completely) and he is still doing it, then he's disrespecting you. imho: Come to think of it, considering the rest of your post, if he is aware of how you're feeling, then he's definitely disrespecting you, and you should put some careful consideration into this relationship.

    My opinions aren't too popular, however, so take it for what it's worth. But I know exactly how you feel, I go through the same feelings, and have the same view.
     
  4. GS9

    GS9 The Lost Boy

    I Think a True man waits till there female partner brings it up
    Otherwise the man should be as if in a waiting room,
    If you find a guy is being to pushing then that guy is more likely a boy then a man

    Find someone that will understand you and who is willing to wait for you to feel comfortable

    In Truth I respect women who dont "give it up"
    Sex is not a tool to be used and thrown back into the tool box

    Its a bond between two people who love each other
     
  5. plates

    plates Well-Known Member


    :hug: Hi I feel very similar. Some women actually watch mainstream porn too, especially if theyve been abused. Kinda keeps the objectification/depersonalisation going on and safety.

    For the bit I highlighted- not all men watch porn. And your feelings about being inadequate sexually hasn't got to do with you, it's got to do with your boyfriend and his personal problems. And what he's watching probably says a lot about himself and his own issues.

    You shouldn't feel the need to have sex so many times a day because you feel threatened? by your boyfriends interest in porn. Do you feel comfortable doing that? Have you talked to him about it and what he gets out of watching what he does?
     
  6. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

     
  7. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    I might be a little unpopular for saying this, but i'm going to disagree with everyone else, at least on the issue of pornography.

    Watching pornography isn't inherently either right or wrong, from an objective viewpoint. Its only when other issues combine with it (such as religion, personal experience, and suchlike), that it can be considered wrong, and each person has the right to make up their own mind on that. I understand, because of your history, that its influence has caused you to feel the way you do about pornography, and that is a completely valid point of view.

    But your boyfriend hasn't had that experience, and therefore most likely from his point of view, it is a form of entertainment, and nothing more. As long as those taking part are doing so consentually, and are of a legal age, then it is little different to any tv program or film. And while i would say that he certainly shouldn't watch it around you, out of respect for your differing opinion, and the reasons for it, asking him to stop completely, in itself, isn't the right thing to do, in the same way as if someone, for example, asked their partner not to pray at all, because they were an athiest.

    However, if as a consequence of this, he is treating you badly, or if he is making unreasonable sexual demands, or anything like that, it is a different matter, and you have every right to object. And i think this is where the solution lies. It might be hard to do, but you need to see whether or not the things you are worrying over are actually happening. If he does treat you badly, then either talk to him about his actions towards you, or get rid of him if he wont stop. There are plenty of guys out there who would treat you right, whether or not they watch pornography (i will admit that i do watch it, but i have not once treated my girlfriend badly because of it, and i certainly wouldn't objectify her in that way). And there are plenty of assholes out there too, who don't neccessarily watch pornography.
     
  8. mr kaplan

    mr kaplan New Member

    As a guy myself, I can say this definitely isn't true. Talk to him, tell him that it upsets you and ask him to stop. If he cares about porn more than you, he's not worth anything.
     
  9. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    If you're not comfortable with him watching porn why would it be unreasonable to ask him to stop? Granted, he probably isn't going to but you guys can work out some kind of compromise, or at least hear what the problem is on his end. Some guys are fixated on porn more than others, your boyfriend sounds like part of that group and telling him that it makes you uncomfortable is a good place to start if you want to make any progress.
     
  10. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    All guys DO NOT watch porn...

    Porn CAN be very tantalizing and even addictive....

    It takes a man with a strong character and security in his own sexuality to not watch porn and to consider the needs of his partner.

    Bottom line is this - what many others have said - if you are uncomfortable with it - he should respect that....

    If you don't want sex - you are harming yourself to let him use you to masturbate with... that is what he is doing afterall if he is not considering your needs.

    Think about your relationship - it sounds like you deserve better treatment.
     
  11. Tray

    Tray Well-Known Member

    I suppose this is a big problem..

    I mean from a woman's prospective i can understand what you are saying. I suppose it would make you feel inadequate. OR not enough to please.

    But let me tell you its usually not so. Some times guys just need that little bit of mm.. variations. It sometimes is habit and sometimes preference. No amount of sex will change this.

    One thing to consider is just how the other feels about it. I mean porn to them might just be a normal part of life. I know for someone like your self it can be hard to accept. It doesnt mean your inadequate not at all. But still im sure nothing will change that feeling you get from it.

    Some things to consider though. Sometime guys look at porn to satisfy there curiosity with out physically cheating on their spouses.

    However im sure you will never accept this. The only thing i can tell you is that you may need to look for some one else if this bothers you so much. From what you said so far it seems like porn is just a normal part of life for him and well that may not ever change. So unless you can cope with it then you may need to look else where..

    And do worry. This is not the same for all guys. There are those who havent made porn a part of their life.
     
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