Hey all! Yes, I'm back after a few days of not logging in here. I thought I needed a break but at the same time I've been feeling worse and I was trying very hard to apply coping skills but to no avail. I just called the crisis hotline cuz I'm so desperate for some advice and reinforcement to stay safe. I know I go to group therapy and I see a psychiatrist twice a week and 4 groups a day with therapists and support from my peers. You would think that would be enough to keep me safe. I do process a lot of my thoughts and feelings, but not totally honest. I tell them I have thoughts, but no plan. However, I really do have a plan but I'm scared to admit to it because I really fear hospitalization again. I'm trying to avoid it. Also, the thing I want to OD on is something that I need and don't want the risk of being taken away from me. There's too much at risk to act out, but my stupid mind keeps gravitating to thoughts of OD'ng. Those who have known me here probably have heard me deal with this before, but I'm still fighting it. I'm just too scared to tell anyone what I want to specifically do. I don't want it to be taken away from me as I mentioned before and that is a big deal for me. I'm just torn as to what to do because I'm trying so hard but my mind is obsessed with the idea. I'm really struggling here.