A lot of people's reasoning for suicide is they want to stop the pain. Either they believe in an afterlife of eternal happiness and freedom or they believe in nothing at all, that when you die, you cease to feel anything. Hmmm....I feel it all up in my chest right now, I always have this weird aching in my chest when it gets too much. I woke up really early in the morning and the big confusion of thoughts washed in and I just thought, I really want to sleep right now, I hate feeling this. This is common for me. But I also thought, I really hope I don't wake up. I don't believe in heaven. I can't understand it. I can't understand always feeling happy and excited and loved and joyous and blah blah. It would just get boring after a while and people all up in your face happy clapping and shit would just fuck me off. I just could imagine me being all jaded and twisting all the smiles and laughter into vulgarity and leering......maybe this just means I'm not in line for heaven, if it exists. I think pain is necessary, the contrast makes joy even more startling. And after being in darkness I think you savour light on your face more. I've got doubts inside about me being depressed because I still get enjoyment out of things, like I was reading a book this morning, I was so excited about it. And music too. But I know that some people get this ability take away from them which must be hard. But that sort of stuff is the only thing that gives me pleasure right now, I've been trying to hold onto hope for a few years now, but if you get disappointed that many times.... I've tried really hard, and basically this is about people and my interactions with them really. I've tried really hard but they either just treat me like nothing or a total freak straight off, look down on me or are jealous, laugh, behind my back or to my face, build my hopes up and then drop me, find someone else they like more....just I've realised that I'm someone who is different and it's like people can smell it, in my pheromones or whatever. You just get tired, or afraid of exposing yourself to that after a while. So basically you just stop taking chances and rely more on yourself. Is it weak to just stop trying, to not expose yourself to things going wrong.....suicide is an extreme version of that. I don't know... does anyone understand what I'm going on about? Do you think it's better to feel terrible pain and take this risk of feeling it now but things getting better...or to just stop trying and feel neutral....I've kind of lost the point I was trying to make, this was a ramble, I'm sorry.