Aw man, this sucks.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by catecholamine, Mar 12, 2011.

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  1. catecholamine

    catecholamine Well-Known Member

    I was suicidal. One of my online buddies did some creative googling, found my name and city I live in, called my university's police, who then called the cops.
    They showed up....when they knocked, I knew who it was by the special police know, how they pound on the I swallowed about 75 70mg Vyvanse (the biggest dose they make) which is a schedule-II controlled substance stimulant (basically, it's under the same control as narcotic pain pills like Hydrocodone) and 60 200mg Wellbutrin SR. I did it really fast, then opened the door. If they were gonna take me, I wanted to give them a surprise.

    I told them I was fine and they actually left. I told my online buddy what I had done, not knowing he was the one who called the cops. Fast forward about and hour and a half..after he asked me to call 911 and I refused, he called my campus police again who called the cops. Again.

    This time I couldn't fake being fine since I was losing my ability to speak, hallucinating, and having trouble standing.

    Long story a little shorter, I ended up in the psych ward for 5 days, missing an exam and a presentation at school. Then, to top it off, I just got an email from the Dean of Students at my university saying for me to make an appointment to discuss a "recent campus police report" with him. I'm going to try to ignore that and hope they don't pursue it.

    The fallout from this shit SUCKS.
  2. loser

    loser Well-Known Member

    Maybe you need to face up to it and just tell it how it is. What have you got to lose? i think you need help and that might be the best chance to get it. Good luck.
  3. catecholamine

    catecholamine Well-Known Member

    How would telling the Dean of students get me help? It could get me suspended from the university for a term is what it could do.
    I got help, they shoved me in a mental hospital. I was put on Lithium.
  4. black_rose_99

    black_rose_99 Well-Known Member

    Your friend saved your life. You've been given a second chance - to get some help, to talk through your pain, and to find another way out. Why not go to the meeting with the Dean, at least find out what it's about - it could be nothing more than when the police are called to campus, the Dean needs to address it. If you're on college, you might be able to find some free or low-cost therapy through your campus welfare department.

    Good luck - I really hope you take the second chance.

  5. catecholamine

    catecholamine Well-Known Member

    Eh, I'd rather not go. I really don't want to talk to some stranger about my attempted suicide. I've already had to sit through a long lecture from my regular doc (who unfortunately ended up getting all my psych records faxed to his office), have the talk with my psychiatrist, who was disappointed to say the least....and my therapist who is considering referring me to someone else.
    It's been a bad deal all around. Not to mention my parents, who won't stop calling me every day and getting on my nerves because they're worried.

    As far as "taking this chance", we'll see. They started me on lithium in the hospital, about 2 weeks ago....I think I notice a bit of a change from it, just over the past 2 days or mood has been less volatile. I'm irritated and a bit down, but it isn't soul-crushing depression, though I feel very anxious. I wouldn't say that I'm actively suicidal right now, which is new. I was suicidal in the hospital, though I told them most of the time that I wasn't, and I was suicidal for about a week after I got out, up until a few days ago. I'm not happy...I still kind of wish I was dead, but I have no will to make it happen.

    I'm probably wrong to just think everything will be okay once I find the right meds. It's going to take a lot of work on my part and I'm not sure I'm up for that.
    Not to mention that I'm already on 8 meds...12 pills a day...5 of the meds (8 pills) are psychiatric...antidepressant, antipsychotic, mood stabalizer, and 2 adhd meds. It gets old, relying on pills this way. I'm tired of my life revolving around pill bottles. But I can't live without them - especially my antipsychotic. I've tried, and it <Edit Moderator total eclipse method>
    I have a real psychiatric history. I was put on an antidepressant about 15 months ago, which sent me into my first manic episode. It's been all downhill from there and 15 months and 12 hospitalizations later, here I am, not a whole lot better. So...we'll see. I'm so tired of trying, but I'll give it a little longer, one last shot.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 13, 2011
  6. black_rose_99

    black_rose_99 Well-Known Member


    I know it's a really frustrating thing - to get a little bit better, but still not feel normal or right. Meds can take a long time to sort themselves out in your system, so maybe the lithium will do better after a few weeks. Although I'm sure it's frustrating being on so many different ones - is there a doctor you can talk to about coming off a few of them?

    It's great your seeing people around you to get some help, but are you truly being honest with them? If you were in hospital, right there where people can be there and support you 24/7, why weren't you honest about your suidical thoughts? I only ask because I never used to be totally honest with therapists, and in the end it did nothing for me - if they don't know the problem, they can't help to resolve it. I'm sorry you felt let down by your psychatrist and I can understand if this is the reason you're not totally honest with the professionals around you - perhaps if you're not feeling a connection, it's time to find a new one?

    I'm glad you'll hang around for a little bit longer, and I truly am sending you strength

  7. catecholamine

    catecholamine Well-Known Member

    Pretty much all the meds I'm on are non-optional. I have to have them. Going off them would be disastrous, I've tried it before. It ended very badly.
    I was honest some of the time in the hospital. Mainly I wanted to get out ASAP because I was missing school. I'm pretty honest with my therapist and psychiatrist. I don't feel let down by my psychiatrist, I feel I let him down by taking the drugs he prescribed me in an attempt to kill myself. I broke his trust.
  8. black_rose_99

    black_rose_99 Well-Known Member

    I may have worded it wrong. Sometimes they might be able to combine newer drugs so you're taking fewer tablets that have the same result. But I'm not a doctor or a pharmacist, so I don't honestly know too much about it.

    If the issue is that you feel you broke his trust by taking his drugs, would you talk to him about it? It's a risk of the profession and may very well not be the first time it's happened, but it might make you feel better and ease some guilt?

    I understand a bit more about what happened in the hospital, why you wanted to get out. I'm sorry if I misunderstood in the original posts

  9. catecholamine

    catecholamine Well-Known Member

    Sadly there are no "newer drugs" that could take the place of what I'm currently taking. :sad:
    I did tell my psychiatrist that I was sorry, and that's about all I can do. I just have to earn his trust back by being responsible with my medications.
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