Last night I couldn't sleep until after 3am and when I finally did I woke up at 5.30am.. when I awoke from my short dreams of happiness. I looked around my room and seen sheer darkness. At that moment I knew that today was going to be a bad day for me :mellow: I just started crying and couldn't stop. Today is supposed to be a good day for me because its a day, out of the blue, that I decided I actually wanted to see my friends. And going out has become an occasional thing for me. I spend most of my days and nights in my bedroom crying and thinking about the people I hold dear and what would happen if I took my own life. I have tried many times but unfortunately I can not be broken. My boyfriend called to my house only 30 minutes ago to get money for things I wanted to get in town. You see, I hate the way I look. I stand every day and cry because of my own reflection. But I try and cover it with make up.. and lots of it. And try and make my hair look nice. But it doesn't really stop the fact that that I look and feel obese. Even my mother makes horrible remarks about my weight and how I look. It hurts. So bad. Anyway, when my boyfriend came I told him I wasn't going out today- my friends planned a camping trip at a lake.. but it soon turned into an all night drinking and drug taking session. And when I go out and drink a bit I am fine and happy.. but I have an alcohol problem "/ 2 years ago I battled with alcohol. There was a time I drank every single day all day and I couldn't stop. But I got clean.. and stayed away from the drugs I took. But now when I go out with friends.. when I start drinking.. I can't stop. And when I get drunk I cry for hours, I wander off on my boyfriend who goes into hysterics worrying about me and normally I try to kill myself. :blink: So with all this alcohol and drugs about.. you can understand why I don't want to go.. But my boyfriend got so angry with me. I can tell he was angry. He wanted to go and drink and smoke weed. And I feel so guilty for not going because now he won't go.. But he just doesn't understand. Because he listens when I reach out. But he hears what he wants to. He doesn't understand how I can be OK one minute and then the next, crying and wanting to die He just doesn't understand. And he is the only person I talk to. Its hard when I want to explain it to him but the only thing he says is "you will be OK" or the other day he actually made me feel so bad.. I was in my kitchen making tea and the night before I attempted suicide <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> and I was really upset over it. But I put on a brave face around him and smile like nothing is wrong or I would here ARE YOU OK 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. So I was talking away to him and then next minute he said "oh I want to kill myself" in a real mocking tone. And I got really embarrassed and he said "I don't get you. your OK one minute and then your all *mocking tone* IM GONNA END IT ALLLL" :blink: and I really didn't know what to say. I excused myself to go to the toilet and just sat in there crying for about 10 minutes and then knew I would have to go back to the kitchen. He hurt me. I love him.. He says he loves me and he does show it. Like he is amazing. But its just with my depression and low self esteem and constant suicidal thoughts.. he doesn't understand. And I never wanted to tell him. But I couldn't do this alone. I just felt it all build up inside... and I needed to let it out before I exploded!!!!!!! Now I am in my bedroom again today. It is 10pm and the blinds are shut. Its dark in here and I am completely alone. My boyfriend had an exam today so he can't text me like he usually does. I am finished my college course for the summer holidays. And I have nothing to do. No job (I live outside a town, and with my parents providing no transport I wouldn't be able to go to work. And they are in so much debt they can only afford to pay bills and for food so no money for a bus. And I can't drive. And unfortunately- even if I did have those things.. there are no jobs available anywhere at the moment). When my parents rant at me for not having a job it also gets me down so much I just want to curl up and die. They call me a lazy fucker and a stupid bitch and yesterday mum went mad at me because I don't do anything in the house? I make the diner from scratch every night. Hover the house. Iron. My room is SPOTLESS. Do the washing. Clean the kitchen every day and sort the dishwasher. Mop the tiled floors. And tidy around the place. How am I expected to do this plus try and see my boyfriend.. try and see friends when I feel up for it.. attend a full time course at college in ART (time consuming much :blink AND get a job. And she wants me to find work experience as well. So I won't be home and she doesn't have to look at me apparently. When she says these things it does hurt. It does. and anyone reading this will think I am an idiot. I just don't know what to do. Now I am thinking of my little baby that I lost 1 month and 4 weeks ago today. And I really don't know what to say any more. Or how to feel. Everything I wrote here is what is upsetting me today.. :no: but I bet when mum comes home at lunch time. Something else will happen. I can't do this anymore.