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Awake and feeling low.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by alices_ponder, Jun 11, 2010.

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  1. alices_ponder

    alices_ponder Well-Known Member

    Last night I couldn't sleep until after 3am and when I finally did I woke up at 5.30am.. when I awoke from my short dreams of happiness. I looked around my room and seen sheer darkness. At that moment I knew that today was going to be a bad day for me :mellow: I just started crying and couldn't stop. Today is supposed to be a good day for me because its a day, out of the blue, that I decided I actually wanted to see my friends. And going out has become an occasional thing for me. I spend most of my days and nights in my bedroom crying and thinking about the people I hold dear and what would happen if I took my own life. I have tried many times but unfortunately I can not be broken.

    My boyfriend called to my house only 30 minutes ago to get money for things I wanted to get in town. You see, I hate the way I look. I stand every day and cry because of my own reflection. But I try and cover it with make up.. and lots of it. And try and make my hair look nice. But it doesn't really stop the fact that that I look and feel obese. Even my mother makes horrible remarks about my weight and how I look. It hurts. So bad. Anyway, when my boyfriend came I told him I wasn't going out today- my friends planned a camping trip at a lake.. but it soon turned into an all night drinking and drug taking session. And when I go out and drink a bit I am fine and happy.. but I have an alcohol problem "/ 2 years ago I battled with alcohol. There was a time I drank every single day all day and I couldn't stop. But I got clean.. and stayed away from the drugs I took. But now when I go out with friends.. when I start drinking.. I can't stop. And when I get drunk I cry for hours, I wander off on my boyfriend who goes into hysterics worrying about me and normally I try to kill myself. :blink: So with all this alcohol and drugs about.. you can understand why I don't want to go.. But my boyfriend got so angry with me. I can tell he was angry. He wanted to go and drink and smoke weed. And I feel so guilty for not going :( because now he won't go.. But he just doesn't understand. Because he listens when I reach out. But he hears what he wants to. He doesn't understand how I can be OK one minute and then the next, crying and wanting to die :( He just doesn't understand. And he is the only person I talk to. Its hard when I want to explain it to him but the only thing he says is "you will be OK" or the other day he actually made me feel so bad..

    I was in my kitchen making tea and the night before I attempted suicide <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> and I was really upset over it. But I put on a brave face around him and smile like nothing is wrong or I would here ARE YOU OK 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. So I was talking away to him and then next minute he said "oh I want to kill myself" in a real mocking tone. And I got really embarrassed and he said "I don't get you. your OK one minute and then your all *mocking tone* IM GONNA END IT ALLLL" :blink: and I really didn't know what to say. I excused myself to go to the toilet and just sat in there crying for about 10 minutes and then knew I would have to go back to the kitchen. He hurt me. I love him.. He says he loves me and he does show it. Like he is amazing. But its just with my depression and low self esteem and constant suicidal thoughts.. he doesn't understand. And I never wanted to tell him. But I couldn't do this alone. I just felt it all build up inside... and I needed to let it out before I exploded!!!!!!!

    Now I am in my bedroom again today. It is 10pm and the blinds are shut. Its dark in here and I am completely alone. My boyfriend had an exam today so he can't text me like he usually does. I am finished my college course for the summer holidays. And I have nothing to do. No job (I live outside a town, and with my parents providing no transport I wouldn't be able to go to work. And they are in so much debt they can only afford to pay bills and for food so no money for a bus. And I can't drive. And unfortunately- even if I did have those things.. there are no jobs available anywhere at the moment). When my parents rant at me for not having a job it also gets me down so much I just want to curl up and die. They call me a lazy fucker and a stupid bitch and yesterday mum went mad at me because I don't do anything in the house? I make the diner from scratch every night. Hover the house. Iron. My room is SPOTLESS. Do the washing. Clean the kitchen every day and sort the dishwasher. Mop the tiled floors. And tidy around the place. How am I expected to do this plus try and see my boyfriend.. try and see friends when I feel up for it.. attend a full time course at college in ART (time consuming much :blink:) AND get a job. And she wants me to find work experience as well. So I won't be home and she doesn't have to look at me apparently. When she says these things it does hurt. It does. and anyone reading this will think I am an idiot.

    I just don't know what to do. Now I am thinking of my little baby that I lost 1 month and 4 weeks ago today. And I really don't know what to say any more. Or how to feel. Everything I wrote here is what is upsetting me today.. :no: but I bet when mum comes home at lunch time. Something else will happen. I can't do this anymore.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 11, 2010
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I think your reasons for not wanting to go are extremely valid and you are behaving responsibly in making that choice. I'm not usually point blank blunt, but I will be this time: It seems that your bf is more worried about himself and his needs for fun via weed and alcohol than he is about your welfare in this case. There is nothing stopping him from going alone. If it is not something you want to do because it is bad for you, I think it's inappropriate for someone else to try to "guilt you into it."

    I have to mention here that I've edited your post a bit. Please, all members, keep in mind that we don't allow mention or discussion of specific methods in posts or in chat as SF is a pro-life forum.

    The loss of your baby must weigh heavily...I'm sorry to hear about it. When we face a loss like that, we need to grieve. To help you get through the grieving period, perhaps you can make plans to do something each day so you have something good happening in your life and it's not all sad 24/7. I wish I could take the hurt away for you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 11, 2010
  3. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    I understand what your going through with your parents, I'm going through a similar thing atm. If you ever need to vent you can PM me any time :arms: the only real solution is to get out of that toxic environment, but with no job and no income you cant get out :( So I'm here whenever you need to talk.
    As for your bf not understanding about the drink etc. he should be more caring, can you talk to him about it? Tell him exactly how it makes you feel? So then maybe he'd have a better understanding of whats going on for you.

    :hug: s for you
  4. alices_ponder

    alices_ponder Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your post :hugtackles: me and my boyfriend spoke about this all and he actually said he wanted me to go out and to have fun with my friends instead of being home all day. I can kind of understand but not really.
    Sorry about the methods post I didn't know!! :shelbi: But I won't do it again :)
    My baby Alex. Ahhh what can I say. The pain is just so much that it is taking over at the moment. But that is only to be understood as I only lost them in April. But when I found out I was pregnant, me and Conor started finding out about housing and money- just as a starter for help until we could get our feet on the ground and finish school. And I would have finally been away from my parents. And had a family (even though they weren't planned).. and when I lost Alex I felt like I was being punished for something I did. and it was taken from me. and Conor. :unsure: I feel that it was my fault because I wasn't eating healthy and I drank a few times.. but I didn't know I was pregnant. But that is no excuse now that my baby is gone.
  5. alices_ponder

    alices_ponder Well-Known Member

    I will of course message you at anytime and we can rant away :) Same to you though, message when when you want to! I did talk to him. Didn't go so well..
  6. alices_ponder

    alices_ponder Well-Known Member

    Last Night, I actually did decide to go out in the end because I am sick of watching the same films and reading the same books- with nothing better to do in my bedroom. The night was good at times, and bad at others.
    The good parts;
    -got to see my friends.
    -got some time away from home.
    -got to actually laugh.
    -didn't drink too much so was sober (until midnight).

    Bad parts;
    -my friend who drove me to the lake, and was supposed to be taking me home, his brother was in a car accident and he had to go to the hospital to be with his family. Pray For Him Please. :rose:
    -there was a lot of drunk people and they kept being rude and annoying.
    -my boyfriends phone got stolen so NO more contact eh.
    -someone stole my alcohol AND my cigarettes.
    -someone broke my freaking tent! :blink:
    -i had a moment of bad judgement where I unfortunately accepted cocaine and had no buzz. Instant comedown. But my boyfriend was so scared because he took it too and was fine but I got a migraine and started shaking and crying and sweating all over. And then when he tried to calm me down I started throwing up large amounts of blood and he didn't know what to do. I feel so bad for giving in and for what i put my boyfriend through when he was trying to help me.:zipped:
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