Awful life experience worst then dying

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by max999, Jun 12, 2010.

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  1. max999

    max999 Member

    Before you read any furthur, please notice that this post is my truthful state of mind and maybe extremely offensive. And it is a bit long. Dont read if you dont like either of those.

    My life is worst than death. The only reason keeps me here is anger. Im so fucking pissed. IM SO FUCKING LAME. I hate people. I dont want to live with the damages I feel. Basically I've brooded my life away while as a kid I should be enjoy life experience and making friend and grow up.
    Now Im fucking boring and dry. I masturbate to keep myself sane. Then feel extremely depressed. Just realized guys are having their way with girls, while I still have puberty emotional issue over girls, BUT IM 24. Whats more, Im living with my goddam mother, who is annoying as hell. Im so fuckin dumb I just woke from a extreme depression of at least over 7 years. I never held a job and made lame excuses of cant find any. I have social phobia, but more or less I got nothing to say to people.
    Im a loner with no life.
    Because imagine feeling everybit inferior to people, why because I choose to shut myself out growing up. Now Im just a weirdo, a fucking loser. A virgin LOL too, that is what I most hate myself, not being a man. Im a fucking failure and MOST it IS MY FUKCING FAULT!
    I look in the mirror and I see my legs are short like they are underdeveloped, cause the years of daily masturbation I do just to keep myself away from anger. I HAVE FUCKING ISSUES!
    If I stop masturabate for a week, I probably will have enough balls to go berserk or kill myself. Either way I can only see danger and tragedy for me in the future. But Im gonna stop that now.
    The biggest issue is woman, I want a pure and good girlfriend. Someone who is gonna make me feel I did not wasted my life away. I dont want some chick who has been used by other guys. When I was teens, I could've chose to have a relationship but I shutted myself within instead. I dont want to feel I fail or I failed some teen years ago by making myself unavailable, now they either had other guys or married. I dont want a 24 year old bitch as my girlfriend cause it doesnt feel right.
    I FUckING HATE HATE MY FUKCING SELF. ITS CAUSE I FAIL I HAD ANGER I HAD ISSUES, that today is what is. BUT i cant back down anymore. Im gonna release the force inside me. I feel like on the verge on change my entire being, Im gonna self destruct. I FUCKING HATE THIS EXISTENCE. I shouldnt be LAME. I should be way better. But Im so PISSED NOW. FUCK EVERYBODY FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! If you are a angry male who will try to piss me off by reply some crap dont bother cause Im just gonna fucking ignore you. I want some replay from woman, better girls, someone young and can understand. I want to know what they think of me HONESTLY. It doesnt matter if it insults me or hurt me as long it comes from opposite sex. It doesnt matter at this point, almost nothing does. I want to know the TRUTH. I cant stand being another breathing corpse this world seem so proud of advertise itself over with. If you are a guy, unless you got something important and insightful to say, FUCK OFF. I DONT WANT HEAR YOUR LAME WHINING, cuz what you've lost I NEVER HAD.
  2. alices_ponder

    alices_ponder Well-Known Member

    Firstly, welcome to this website :smile: It will provide you with all the help and support you will need to progress down the path to recovery. You can read through some of the previous threads and look at previous advice to see that everyone on this website is here for the same reason- because they are or were in a crisis state. One thing you should know is that you shouldn't probably swear too much because someone might find it offensive and this post will probably be edited because the last few lines about only wanting men to reply is offensive and this is a great support forum where everyone is like a huge family. Also, this forum is pro-life :hugtackles:

    The first thing you have to do to try and fix your life and to try and get that happiness that you yearn for is to want to get better and YOU need to have a positive attitude about this. Have you seen a doctor to tell them about your suicidal thoughts? If not I would recommend making an appointment as soon as possible. Also, I would recommend a counsellor and also some form of anger management class as from your post you come across as an angry man who is reaching out for some help.:hugtackles: I can understand that you have problems though and that you really do need help. I can relate to what you mean, I obviously came here for support as well.

    You said you do not have a job or anything. Do you have an education? Like I dont know what country you are in.. so do not know what qualifications are available in your area but once you get help with your anger and your emotions, you should try to get a job or an education if you do not have a proper one :rose: this could then help you with your social phobia and then you will therefore be able to make new friends and provide for yourself. Perhaps even meet a woman! Does your government offer housing schemes or schemes to help you with finance? Because these could help you move out of your mothers and help you get on your feet. Again leading to independence and the chance to make friends and meet a beautiful young lady. :smile:

    Btw, you seem to have a very sexually orientated mind, this is not that bad as regular masturbation is good for you and can cut down the risk of developing testicular cancer so don't worry too much:) xoxoxooxoxox
  3. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Your not a hopeless case by any means. sex is not the be all and end all of everything, and I doubt masturbating has caused your legs to under develop. All your problems can be addressed and sorted out. Have you tried getting help for yoru anxiety depression and anger? What country are you in? Maybe we can help you find support systems. Does your mum know how you are feeling and what your dealing with?
    In the mean time, dont shut yourself off here, you said you didnt want replies from guys, but there are many guys here in very similar circumstances that may be able to help you through this.
  4. alices_ponder

    alices_ponder Well-Known Member

    I meant to say about this as well, masturbation doesn't cause you to under develop. That could be an actual medical problem. Why don't you go to the doctor and explain this to him/her? And sex is certainly not worth dying over- I mean it is nice to have sexual intercourse with the person you love. But it's not that great.
  5. Jesus_Christ_Superstar

    Jesus_Christ_Superstar Account Closed

    Hi Max. I can understand your sexual frustration. How do you think I feel? I turn 30 next year and I have never had sexual intercourse either. Part of it is because I would prefer getting married before having a sexual relationship, but part of it is anxiety. Also, don't feel bad for masturbating. Masturbation is a part of life and you're not harming anyone by doing it. There is nothing wrong with being a virgin male. It doesn't make you any less of a man. Save yourself for when the right woman comes along. :hug:
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    ok I'm not young but I'm a female....
    there's nothing in your post that made me think you're a loser....
    I can hear anger and frustration and feel therapy might help with that...
    i hope some younger people will answer you with more help than I can offer...
  7. coffeekitten

    coffeekitten Active Member

    I am a 22 year old female. I have to addmit you seem a little scary, but i understand you are very frustrated with life, and i know how that feels. I know how it feels to be angry and it's not a nice feeling atall.

    there is nothing wrong with masterbation, it's natural and a good way to relax and get rid of tension.

    I think it would be a good idea to visit a doctor at this point so you could get some counceling and talk about your anger issues.

    oh and don't worry about living at home at 24. I moved out at 22 and i know lots of people who are 23, 24 who still live at home.

    If you want to meet a nice girl, and are anxious in social situations how about try online? That is how i met my boyfriend. But i would only sugest you don't swear as much, because it can seem very intimidating.

    hope i helped a bit
  8. alices_ponder

    alices_ponder Well-Known Member

    I agree with this post as like I and mysheep said before sex is not everything. And it really does not make you less of a man than any other male on this planet :hugtackles: saving yourself for the right woman is a good idea! xoxo
  9. max999

    max999 Member

    Yeah but Im 24, and I didnt even try to find out more about other sex.
    I will tell you why but before that let me make clear- I mostly masturbated without even sexual desire. After it I feel even more dead inside. It was a way to find peace but only for 5 minutes after. I think that is the only way I do it. Cause I cant find any peace otherwise. I havent even kissed a girl yet I dont even know what that means.

    On to issue of woman, I feel I need to clarify my problem. You see when I was very young I thought pretty girls are like angels, they are sacred and that when someday I would find someone who will save me from my loneliness. That last until I was teen and then I found out about sex and where baby came from. I was so stupidly innocent I found out too late I was 12, most people know about sex before then. Partly cause I was raised by my single mother while my father was oversees for a decade. And my mother was avert to sexuality as much as one can get. And I dont think I have a mother, cause honestly I dont feel attached to her at all, and even when I was a kid she wasnt feminine in anyway. Technically I grew up without a mother, but wtf. She tried to wrap the whole issue of sex under and want me act all innocent. I was a toy to make her feel better about her pathetic life cause she married my father who is a complete idiot and retard. She is a retard for marrying him and she was pretty horrible herself. I wonder what that makes me...
    So after I found about sex, I was EXTREMELY DISILLUSIONED. On top of that time I lost all my elementary school friends and my crush when school was over. I became alone and isolated, I brood over a year over losing my crush and vowed I will tell her I love her even if it takes ten years and I will be a man to have the courage. I know she liked me back but there was some major complication on my part to stop the relationship from blossoming which I was sore one to blame. That was the turning point of life. I was basically walking dead since that day.
    All these years I've just blink an eye and stood flow of time without living. I became a loner, a hater and a procastinator. No friends, no one in the world but just freaking me with me suffering inside me. Im quiet over it by now though, Im so fucked up to feel the regret for something I made worst myself, I could just hate myself more by hanging to it.
    So continue the issue with woman, since I reveried them something fierce, my drive had split into two, at onset of puberty, love and lust.
    Love demands my respect and cherish of them but lust is the sex drive I was getting. During my teens, love won over and I suppressed my growing sexuality with anger. The idea if ideal woman was dying in my mind as I watched people my age at that time engaged public kissing etc.
    And later when I first masturbated, it was very relieving and I've basically try to use it as reliever and escape.

    What Im getting to is, can love and lust for a woman exist at same time, I feel I cant accomplish both of them. Since one of my drive will try to suppress another and they are equally strong. I feel immoblized by this conflict, as having a relationship will solve my core issue, but this conflict inside just cuts off all my energy and determination. And how I copied with it, all these years no less- masturbation. A shameful compromise that allows me to escape reality of my circumstance. By constant masturabtion even when I dont have sexual urge, I perform the ritual so I didnt have to face the issue of not having a girlfriend to have sex or having a girlfriend who I cant respect or worship or both.
    Maybe this is all very childish, maybe if I actually had experience I wouldnt feel this way. But this conflict is what eats me away. One part of me wants to kill the other part. And Im afraid to let either, cause both of them have built up over years and became very strong, and if one of them succeed, I will be left at mercy to the remaining one.
    Im scared of losing control, of if this happens, and the uncertainty of future it brings. But the inevitable outcome of this will happen it is natural state of things to reach a equlilbrium.
    So has anyone ever had major conflict inside then solved it? It would probably be better if it can relates to my circumstance. But share it nonetheless.
  10. alices_ponder

    alices_ponder Well-Known Member

    I can understand that perhaps you have abandonment issues due to the fact that your father was always away abroad and your mother tried to keep you as innocent as possible. But saying that you didn't have a mother because she wasn't very feminine is wrong. Loads of women aren't feminine but still as beautiful as the next. I believe that everyone is beautiful, no matter what they look like or their attitude. I am sorry but that is how I feel. I am sorry your mother tried to keep you innocent but if my child had not of died, I had planned to keep them as innocent as possible but tell them about sex, drugs and alcohol at the age of around 10 because that's the age children in my area start doing these things. I was an innocent child myself.. didn't really know much about sex until I was about 14 or 15 years old.. I never drank alcohol until I was 13.. but my boyfriend started smoking at 6, having sex at 8, drinking alcohol at 8 and taking drugs at 12. Mad world to be honest. But now my boyfriend barely smokes drinks or takes drugs because he knows they ruined his life and he tried everything to stop, and he is such a quiet fella.

    You do really need to see a doctor and a counsellor. To vent your emotions properly:) Although we can give you support. We can not make everything completely go away unfortunately :hugtackles:

  11. max999

    max999 Member

    I hate my father, and he went oversea was a bliss for me and mom. He was abusive, retarded and CONSTANTLY extremely annoying. So I didnt feel abandoned at all.
    I have a mother that doesnt feel like my mother and never will. My advice to young mother out there is dont beat your kid and vent your anger etc. Tell them you love them give them a hug periodically, especially when they are young. All those things I never had, emotional warmth I didn't feel, and the femine warmth some at least 70 percent of young male children experienced growing up was denied to me cause of my mother who she has been.
    I dont expect anyone who has not experienced such to understand the sentiment. In the similar way I dont trust professional help cause they never gonna understand the issue unless they themselves had it. I've read many books, and I know you cant gain wisdom just by reading text. Forgive the cynicism here.
  12. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    alot of professionals have been through their own problems and CAN relate to you when you are telling them about what is wrong. I think you need to address your anger, theres alot of it there, and unless you deal with it I cant see how you will ever be with someone. You may end up taking it out on them and hurting them.
    And your mum isnt the only one like that. My mum is the same, and I feel so sorry for my brother, he's only 13(and only just found out about sex may I add) and everyday without fail she threatens him with something, a slap, his stuff to be thrown out, that he wont see his dad, the list goes on. She very rarely gives him hugs, or congratulates him for his achievements or even says the 3 best words a mother can say; I love you.
    so you are not alone.
    And you can get through this, with help.
    I used to think no one could help me, but now I'm getting there, starting college in september, my anxiety is minimal, and I'm trying to mix with people again. IT CAN BE DONE
  13. Ldub20

    Ldub20 Well-Known Member

    If having a sense of belonging and not being a loner comes easy to you, I'd envy you. I'd pick any life where finding a sense of belonging comes easy. I'd rather be dead than never find a sense of belonging.
  14. kitanai

    kitanai Well-Known Member

    my bro is all that and then some
    he is reverting
    he dont even know basic computer lingo
    nvr used a computer in his life

    & me i come with my own list of crap
  15. alices_ponder

    alices_ponder Well-Known Member

    My parents are the exact same actually. When I was a child they went through a horrible time, when my father was diagnosed with depression and as an alcoholic. All there ever was was fighting. In fact the first time I got a hug from my mother was in April when I had a miscarriage. When I was born she developed past natal depression and used to leave me in places and try and give me away. My sister told me she denied me and that she had to look after me :blink: we aren't allowed to talk about sex in my house and my mum told me when I was younger that if I ever had sex that she would beat the shit out of me. My parents always threatened me when I was younger. I also feel sorry for my younger brother. He has only turned 13 and gets the same shit from my parents as I used to in the past.. and it must be so hard for him "/

    perhaps you should get some help! xo
  16. elibaby

    elibaby Member

    Hi max999...

    Wow you make me think so much of one of my friends. He is 25 and also still lives with his mother - and I don't think there is anything wrong with it at all. With the world just out of a recession, it is very hard for people to get a good job and move out on their own anyway. Even if he had the money to move out, I don't think it is the right time for him. People doesn't understand him at all - he always seem to piss people off, but they just don't know him. He also has massive issues with his family (his mum is an alcoholic) and he never knew his dad.

    I am a 22 year old female and I love my friend to bits, he has been there for me and he taught me a alot since we've been friends. And we talk about everything and anything! He also has problems with girls and it took me a long time to become his friend...

    I don't know if you see me as much younger than yourself, but I am a female and here is what I think: I don't think you are a loser or a weirdo at all! I know lots of people who are still virgins.. sex is great ofcourse, but so is masturbation. And I know guys who do it ALL the time.

    And yeah, I think the fact that your mum was never a real mother to you (as you said) can play a big part in the fact that you have trouble with females. Maybe you are longing for feminine company...Maybe you should just get yourself some female friends and talk to them and just see how you feel around them. And if it's hard to go out and meet them, go online...

    I think you are really hard on yourself.. I wish I could take you for a drink or two!

    Oh and also: I think 24 is not old AT ALL! Infact I am 22 and feel like a child still...

  17. ballinluig

    ballinluig Well-Known Member

    im 43 and still my parents treat me like a child!!

    i never truely understood about sex till i was 16/17, so dont feel ur a let down. my mum made it such a taboo subject even today i cudnt ask her any questions.

    now, ur posts, ur truely a chap who needs to seek some help-proffessional help. u obviously have a major problem in ur head about women and masterbation. Whats so wrong in doing that? If its helps then it certainly doesnt hurt u, or disfigure u. Its probably the only way u can get some pleasure. U dont have to have a sexual urge to do it- its can just get to be a habit.

    I truely hope u do get the help that u need and get some of ur problems sorted out.
    take care
  18. sAd1

    sAd1 Member

    Don't hate me because I'm a guy but I went through a similar thing. I lived life thinking pretty girls were like angels and I could only have sex if/when I got married.

    As a child I was taken into a cult by the evil perverted woman that refers to herself as my mother.

    Apart from end-of-the-world brainwashing that I lived with for over a decade I was also conditioned to be afraid of sex and females. The evil perverted fucks were trying to make me into a choir boy type character, a life long virgin - perhaps because they wanted to molest me... I don't know.

    I was told that sex was evil and any sexual contact would lead me to spend eternity burning in hell. I had very little contact with females my age and masturbation was my only release. Even that filled me with a sense of guilt as I was programmed to believe that masturbation would cause me to go to hell.

    I was not until my mid-20s that I had any real sexual experiences with females. I managed to get a girlfriend. However my first ever sexual experience ever was with a prostitute. I still struggle with sex and relationships with the opposite sex a lot. I hope this helps and you realise that you're not alone.
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