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Awful night. Awful just awful

Talia862

Well-Known Member
#1
A friend of mine almost killed herself a few days ago. I was up until 4 am talking to her after her suicide plan failed. I am glad I could be there for her. But now it's me who is struggling. it's too late to call anyone, all my friends are in bed. And calling a suicide hotline is a good way to get locked up by the police. I wouldn't risk that. last time I was in the hospital they wouldn't give me my pain meds- it was a nightmare beyond description. The doctor there spent less than five seconds with me, refused to call my RA doc, and just said no. My pain is 10x worse now. The hospital is the last thing I need.

I just can't seem to think about anything other than suicide tonight. It's really bad. I can't sleep it's after 3 but I'm wide awake. I am going to be exhausted tomorrow and I have so much work to do. I think I will be too tired to do anything. Ugh.

I don't feel as bad as I felt other times. But these obsessive thoughts and this awful insomnia is driving me crazy. I HAVE been doing better, but tonight just sucks. I don't know why. I've been doing so well, but tonight is just hellish. I wish I could sleep, but can't. I feel so upset and my mind is just racing.

I know, I know, just a few days ago I was posting about how much better I was feeling. I wonder if it was talking to my friend that got me this way? I'm not really sure what this sudden surge of suicidal feelings is about. I do know that I am very upset and discouraged and scared about COVID. That has been on my mind a lot. I won't get into it because I know it's a sticky subject here, but its' been causing me a great deal of stress considering I have a compromised immune system and am at high risk. I have been unbelievably isolated since March, have only left home one time to see a doctor. I don't know how much longer I have to be alone in my apartment. I hate being isolated from all my friends and family the isolation is getting to me. But it's so deadly to me I have no choice if I want to live, I have to avoid being infected because my chronically ill body can't fight it off if I get it. And I want to die but not that way. No,I don't think I really want to die. But I can't stop thinking about hurting myself. I don't know what I want.

It's an awful night. I guess I will go read some. I can't sleep at all.
 
Last edited:

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#2
It makes sense that after such a close call with your friend those kind of thoughts would be on your mind. Go and read your post where you said you were doing well. Try to remember where your head was at, what that felt like. That's still you. This is just a bad moment. You can get through this. *hug
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
Staff member
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Supporter
#3
Hi there,
I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad right now. I hope you're off reading a good book and trying to relax.
Maybe it is the suicide attempt of your friend that set off your feelings but also, if you were upset about this then it seems more likely you'd see that this destructive behavior would wreck her life if you did something to hurt yourself. If you killed yourself then how likely is it that your friend would then also? (These things often happen that way) Not that that's your responsibility to take on or anything but just that people care about you and don't want you to do anything to yourself. We care.
The isolation is really wearing on most everyone. I read something last week that said something like 40% of people had suicidal thoughts in the last few months. That's quite a lot. Maybe you can provide yourself with a "safer" activity to do outside. You can go outside in the open - go for a drive - go for a nature walk - go for a hike - go to a dog park - go for a run, etc all with relative safety. There are also lots of things you can do that are very low risk. (probably lower risk than the doctors office, in fact) Maybe you should try getting out of the house and having a change of scenery.
 

UKDude

Well-Known Member
#4
Sorry you're having a hard time.

It's strange isn't it, we try to encourage and help other people to feel better and not harm themselves because we can see it's not the answer nor the right thing to do, and yet when it comes to ourselves we feel it is the right thing to do and is the answer.

I wonder what that says about us, that we know it's not the answer for others, but think it is for ourself?

Maybe we have a distorted view of ourselves and our value and that shapes our feelings and thoughts in relation to us, but we can see other people more clearly?

I'm just rambling, but there is definitely some dichotomous thinking going on in my head, it's like 2 groups - me and everyone else, each group has different sets of rules for what's the right or wrong thing to do.

On the one hand I can clearly see that I don't want anyone to harm themself, but on the other I sometimes just don't want to be here anymore and could justify it to myself. It's all very confusing.

I hope you feel better and find a way to get through your feelings and worries.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#5
A friend of mine almost killed herself a few days ago. I was up until 4 am talking to her after her suicide plan failed. I am glad I could be there for her. But now it's me who is struggling. it's too late to call anyone, all my friends are in bed. And calling a suicide hotline is a good way to get locked up by the police. I wouldn't risk that. last time I was in the hospital they wouldn't give me my pain meds- it was a nightmare beyond description. The doctor there spent less than five seconds with me, refused to call my RA doc, and just said no. My pain is 10x worse now. The hospital is the last thing I need.

I just can't seem to think about anything other than suicide tonight. It's really bad. I can't sleep it's after 3 but I'm wide awake. I am going to be exhausted tomorrow and I have so much work to do. I think I will be too tired to do anything. Ugh.

I don't feel as bad as I felt other times. But these obsessive thoughts and this awful insomnia is driving me crazy. I HAVE been doing better, but tonight just sucks. I don't know why. I've been doing so well, but tonight is just hellish. I wish I could sleep, but can't. I feel so upset and my mind is just racing.

I know, I know, just a few days ago I was posting about how much better I was feeling. I wonder if it was talking to my friend that got me this way? I'm not really sure what this sudden surge of suicidal feelings is about. I do know that I am very upset and discouraged and scared about COVID. That has been on my mind a lot. I won't get into it because I know it's a sticky subject here, but its' been causing me a great deal of stress considering I have a compromised immune system and am at high risk. I have been unbelievably isolated since March, have only left home one time to see a doctor. I don't know how much longer I have to be alone in my apartment. I hate being isolated from all my friends and family the isolation is getting to me. But it's so deadly to me I have no choice if I want to live, I have to avoid being infected because my chronically ill body can't fight it off if I get it. And I want to die but not that way. No,I don't think I really want to die. But I can't stop thinking about hurting myself. I don't know what I want.

It's an awful night. I guess I will go read some. I can't sleep at all.
it's ok even though we are doing well we all have bad days. just remember there are people in SF 24 hours a day if you need support...mike...*hug*shake*console
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#7
Thanks. I eventually fell asleep around 4 am and woke up at 1 pm this morning. I didn't get a lot of work done, or in fact, ANY work done, so I am still really behind in the project I was doing. But I'm really tired. I just hope tonight isn't like last night. I hope tonight is better. I hope I'm not up all night again.
i hope you can sleep well and get some well needed and deserved rest...mike...*hug*shake
 

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