I apologize in advance to anyone who wastes their time reading this. I am just babbling into the darkness. I am not sure what others might have to say about this, but feel free to say something if you want too. You know, there is something that can be said about anime and stuff like that. I think the main thing is that it can give me a reason to live. I mean when I watch the life of a guy who has abandoned his child and just lives day-to-day by going to work and eating and sleeping. A guy who talks about how his days off are torture because he has nothing to do. That is the kind of life I feel would make life worth living. Of course the anime is later ruined by an intervention of his wife's family and his spawn but that is besides the point. According to the show he lived the life I want to live for 5 years. He was that guy who just lived. Abandoned by everyone under the impression that giving him his space would help him heal. He just exists, people know who he is, they whisper about how pathetic he is. Yeah you know that sounds like a pleasant life for me. I am glad that I will one day be able to live a life-like that. A happy life where I simply exist. I will be 1000s of miles away from anyone I know. That will be the life. Mainly because I am blessed with the inability to attract a mate so I will not have any mistakes like that happen. There will be nothing to save me. Even better will be when those who share genetics with me try to intervene. That is starting very soon for me. I have already made a little program on my phone that automagically replies to texts and hangs up the phone on my spawning day. I also leave a very hateful and angry message. I make sure to let everyone know that I am knowingly screening their calls. That any messages they leave will not be heard because I do not give a crap. The only thing that I have left to do is disable my facebook account so no one can post on my wall. That will be great, that will be my present to me. An open invitation to start treating the family with open hostility. All of the family with open hostility, even my sister who I am planning on visiting a couple of months after my birthday. It will be funny to watch the family struggle to understand and eventually give up. I know that will come, I will just wreck the lives of anyone who tries to "help" me. It will not be hard, I can just accuse them of not liking me and wanting to change me because they think I am a loser. You know because they define me as broken or wrong. It will be fun to throw them into a corner. Watch them sit there and be clueless as to what to do. Then one by one they will stop calling me, writing me, seeing me. I am sure some of the more pathetic family member, namely my mother, will keep on trying to "save" me, but I will just treat her like garbage. Hopefully within the time it takes my cat to die, I will not be talking to anyone in my family. Then they can get that random letter from the state asking if they could identify the body. I know I say that I could live like this, but the truth is that I am not really capable of living. I am very sure that no matter what I do I will end up killing myself. Really now that I think about it the only reason I have left to live other than my cat is to shatter the facade I have created for myself all these years. Yeah that will be fun, to ruin everyone's image of me. I am not sure what that image is of me. However, I know that it is convincing enough that no one believes I am suicidal. At least if it is not that obvious no one has come one and confronted me about it. So I just give up and that is that. It will be fun, especially shattering the illusion my father has. It will be a good way to get that side of the family out of my life for the remainder of my life. Sadly, it is going to be harder with my mom's side.. well whatever.. I will figure it out. I am sure once I move 1000s of miles away and stop talking to them there will be nothing left. Then again, I might get lucky and get to kill myself later on this year because my cat will die. Who knows, I am just going to have to see. Because I know one thing for sure. There is not going to be anyone I run into who is going to save me. There will be no magical event that brings me back around. There will be no annoying pest to save me. All those pests will live in my fantasies locked away because no worthwhile person would give a piece of trash like me an intentional first look much less time out of their life. Well whatever, some people, like me, are just cursed. That is all that matters. I have accepted it and it will be done. No amount of talking about how amazing I am will change that fact. People can lie to others so very easily. Especially if it means they get their two bits of charity for the day.