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Baby Fever and Depression...

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by alonesome, Mar 28, 2010.

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  1. alonesome

    alonesome New Member

    I've been dealing with a lot of emotional issues lately surrounding my sister-in-law and the birth of their new daughter. I suppose I should back up though and explain the entire story...

    A good friend of mine from school (also bridesmaid in my wedding) started dating my now-husband's brother. They dated for a couple of weeks (like maybe 3 or 4) and she got pregnant about two months before my wedding. Of course everyone was incredibly supportive, I went to doctors appointments with her, had her bridesmaid dress altered, etc. Then, my husband's brother proposed to her about a month before our wedding. She decided that while she was pregnant, she didn't want to get married until after she had the baby.

    During the pregnancy, we were all very supportive. We (my husband and I) were there when we found out the sex of the baby (along with her family and others), we've purchased things for her, helped them move into their new house, allowed them to borrow our vehicles several times to pick up things for the baby (e.g. furniture), helped in any way we could as we live just about 5 miles away. But I've always sort of felt taken for granted, and they've never really ever acknowledged how much we are there for them - but on the flip side, making comments about them like that makes me feel like I'm being a glory hog or looking for attention - when I think really, I just want them to appreciate us.

    Even though we have been incredibly supportive and I've tried to be involved - when I'm home alone, the internal struggle I have with myself is really hard. I'm so happy for them (albeit disappointed that they haven't just gotten married) but it's been so hard on me emotionally. On one side, I'm upset because I feel like my husband and I were "robbed" of what I thought would always be us - having the first grandchild in the family. I feel betrayed by my friend, bridesmaid, and soon-to-be sister in law - because she knew how important family is to me, how much I wanted a baby, etc. I am just having such a hard time dealing with the emotional struggles - but now that the baby is here - it's gotten SO much worse.

    While she was pregnant, it was hard listening to her talk about how much she hated my brother in law and how she didn't even have feelings for him, but she wanted to stay with him for the baby. This was hard for me because my brother in law REALLY loves her and our family has gone out of their way to be there for both of them during this time - by either purchasing things, giving them things, offering things - and I feel like she's taking advantage of the family. She would make comments about not wanting to be pregnant, etc. or tell me she wasn't going to marry my brother in law, and it really hurt me to hear these things. She complained about things financially, emotionally, and otherwise and was just so unhappy overall about her situation - but was never really all that thankful for all the support from ANYONE. There are not financially in a good place, but the situation is what it is.

    Recently, my sister-in-law had the baby, and in order to try to alleviate the stress/emotional issues I was dealing - I offered to help in any way. I work from home, so I offered to be there with her during the day (because I can work from her house as well), offered to be available, etc. - numerous times. Maybe too many. But I wanted so bad to feel like I was a part of something and could be involved with my new niece. Her mom, dad, both grandmas, and both sisters have been staying with her for two weeks - so my first instinct was to just lay low because that's already so many people staying at their house. But now, she makes comments about how she doesn't know what she's going to do when her family leaves - and we've reminded her (my mother in law and I) that we're still here, we'll help, we'll be there - but it's like she doesn't remember/doesn't care/etc. and never really acknowledges that we've offered to help and hasn't outright accepted offers for help. This is particularly hard because all she did before the birth was talk about much her family "sucked" and was never there for her - so it was like, "okay, so your family is there?" We know that she will need help after the family leaves because of the severity of her c-section and secondary surgery a week post birth - she is on strict orders to take it easy for 6 weeks and she can't be home alone with the baby - and my brother in law works during the day.

    She is also saying things like: "don't ever have a baby" - which is easy to say when you've already had one, right?

    Basically - I'm feeling really left out, rejected, alone, unappreciated, unacknowledged, etc. But then I feel like a b*tch for feeling that way because I should be happy for them - but I'm just so hurt that it's her and not me having the baby and then everything else on top of that is so hard. I've gone to see her and come home and cried/brokedown because of things that she said or did that were hurtful - I'm usually not so sensitive.

    I just want to get over this - but I don't know that talking to her is going to solve anything. But I'm so sad and depressed over this whole thing. My husband doesn't really understand - hell I don't even know if I really understand - but I'm looking for any advice I can get on what I should do. Should I just ignore it and hope it goes away? Should I be proactive? We aren't ready for a baby right now and it'll be a good three years before we are (because of my schooling) - will I be dealing with this ache and hurt until then? Am I just being over sensitive? Am I imagining things? Am I making this harder on myself than it needs to be? It's gotten to the point that I can't sleep, all I think about is babies, I'm depressed, I'm scared to see her and the baby for fear of coming home and crying about it and feeling hurt. I know this is such a ramble - but I'm just so hurt and at a loss for where to go from here.

    On top of all that - I was laid off, so I'm unemployed, trying to go back to school. Bills are piling up. And this "baby fever" is consuming my life. One wrong word and become a basket case. I can't see bringing a baby into this world in the state that I'm in - but I can't understand why it's affecting me so much.
  2. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Hi Alonesome,
    I can sort of understand your predicament. When somebody close to you appears to be getting exactly what they want and then complaining about it, it's sickening.

    Maybe it would be good for you to take some time out, away from her. You have been so supportive up until now that if you simply say you need to concentrate on reading up for your return to school.
    It could be good to try and tell yourself you are going to enjoy this remaining time while it is just you and your husband, because 3 years will go by quicker than you realise, and then you'll be a mother. Remember you are being sensible about this, which is more than I can say for most! I have two friends who are both single mothers with zero cash and have children, struggling doesn't even begin to sum up their lives, and it's really not worth wrecking your future just to have a child early, I bet they also wish they had waited.

    Try to remember that you are in a great position as well, you are ACTUALLY married and in a commited relationship with somebody who WANTS children. It could be the other way around, you could be a single woman, living with your mother, approaching 30, with your biological clock ticking, future looks bleak, depression taking hold and chances of becoming a mother slipping further and further away from you every day... which is currently my life.

    It sounds like maybe you're going through a mini emotional breakdown, so I would suggest resting, definitely taking some time away from the thing that is making you feel this way (sister-in-law and the baby) and focusing your time on your husband and your friends.
  3. alonesome

    alonesome New Member

    Thanks, I think maybe my husband and I will have a weekend in together and relax. I also think I've been blaming lots of things on my "baby fever" or at least using it as a scapegoat - which probably isn't good.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think it is a good thing to spend time with just your husband and take time out just for you. It must be so very hard for you but i am glad you have the support of someone who understands you and cares a great deal for you. I hope you feel better soon
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