Back again. Intrusive thoughts of wanting to follow my husband.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Neowith, Jun 20, 2016.

  1. Neowith

    Neowith Member

    I was doing better. I got put on pain meds for my nerve pain, along with anti anxiety meds. I went to start a job, my son was in day care and there was hope.

    The first day I went to lunch. I ate, then sat there. I realized I couldn't call him. I. Couldn't. Call. Him.

    The shock and denial of his suicide wore off in that moment. And I fell apart. I didn't go back. I had to get my in-laws to get my son and went to the ER. I was put on more meds.. which help. But every minute of ever day is a struggle to get through again.

    This is my reality... This is it. I'm extremely pregnant with my dead husband's child that I have to give away due to money. My son doesn't have a father. He left me all alone to deal with life.. let alone being broken. I keep thinking of how I could follow him. I don't want to. I wouldn't wish 10 seconds of this on ANYONE.

    Living with the memory of finding him... Now that the denial has worn off a lot more details are coming back. I looked up his method, and he had researched it. He knew what he was doing, and that he only needed 20 minutes to do it. What he didn't think about was how the woman who built a life, bared his children and stood by him no matter what would be completely broken. He got peace.. and that's great I guess. It's all I ever wanted for him since I helped him through depression. I hated seeing him so unhappy and not being able to help. But what about me. What about his children. He's at rest now, but I'm still here. Alone. Shattered. In a living hell most of the time.

    Let me be clear, hell is an understatement. I already feel as if there is fire beneath my skin 24/7, but I'm on earth.

    If I had just skipped my make up. If I had just put my hair in a bun. 5 minutes, 10 minutes was all it would have taken to save him.

    Now I'm alone. I'm alone and broken and I don't know how to put the pieces back.
     
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Neowith, yes it's a horrendous thing to have to live with. Your mind will keep replaying that day over and over and you'll question your every action.....what if I'd done this, what if I'd been there sooner.....believe me, nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome. As you said yourself, he planned it, he knew every detail including where you would be and how long he had.....he knew what he was doing. Also it's okay to be angry with him, you should, you've been left in an unbearable situation and with pain few people can even comprehend. This will take a long time to get over, and I mean get some semblance of normalcy, you'll never ever forget this. I wish with all my heart I could take this torture from you, I would. Live now for your son, make him your reason to go on through the pain. Show him the strength you wish your husband had.
    Hugs
    Brian
     
    Jenumbra likes this.
  3. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Neowith, I cannot even imagine what you are going through. But Brian is right. He was determined to end his life. Nothing you could have done would have stopped that. That is one of the many horrid things about suicide. No matter what we do, if someone is determined, they will end their life. When you think about ending yours, please remember how horrible you feel about your husband's death. How is your son handling it? Does he have any understanding at all as to what happened. I know don't want him to feel as badly as you do, or to be without even one parent. Please be gentle with yourself. Be patient. This will take time to get over.