Back again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by shamps78, Jun 12, 2013.

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  1. shamps78

    shamps78 New Member

    So im not exactly new to this site but it has been a very long time, it helped the other times so im trying to see if it will this time.

    I have had numerous really bad things happen to me since childhood and all the way through till now and im about to turn 35. I have suffered with depression and anxiety since probably before 14 years old. I always describe myself as always having a bad day even on a good day its just me and ive sort of learned to accept that. This however doesnt mean that it makes it any easier to bare. I have in the past few years taken myself off my meds and took up running which lost me nearly 6 stone in weight and now I run marathons for charity, this somewhat replaces the meds but still isnt a cure. Recently I ran a marathon and now have a labral tear in my hip and running is out for quite a long time, I suffer with compulsive exercise and find myself restricting calories when I cant run because of injury ect. This is really getting me down.

    If this wasnt enough I recently finally gained promotion at work, ive had to have 3 months off sick due to the nature of the job being so stressful I was throwing up in a morning at the thought of going there. They have tried to make reasonable adjustments but nothing is working. Ive now been told its basically do the job or lose your job, ive been there 17 years and this is the thanks I get. What happened to the caring employer they pretended to be? I have now totally lost faith in the human race I can count only on one hand the people I consider close to me. I am living with a childhood friend and her children, I am sharing a bedroom with a grown woman as I cant afford to move out as my very own mother got me in so much debt I lost my home. I dont see my son as im a failure at being a mother and sent him to live with his father whilst I was sick and now I dont know where they have moved to. Im about to lose my job which was always my one constant when everything else was c-rappy. I cant go on the sick again because ive run out of sickpay and have been put on report for my absences but they are telling me to go off sick as im so ill at work.

    I would go into everything else thats happened leading upto now and everything else that is wrong but it would take me all night not that I ever get any sleep. I feel like im trapped in a room and no matter which door I try theres always a brick wall behind it, I see no way out and at an all time low. I dont speak to my parents and have few friends I can turn to about these feelings to them "normal people wouldnt want to take their lives" you know, up there in their shiny happy world. I am worried im going to end up with no option but ending it, been here done this before and it helped a little. What did I do so wrong that my shot at a happy life was taken away from me??? Its literally always one bad thing after the other I never catch a break ive stopped believing in luck and good things they just dont happen to me. Im not looking for the usual "things will seem better in the morning" or "your time will come" it never does, theres only so much one person can take, why isnt it moving on from me what did I do??? I try and be the best person I can and I always try and help others but I always seem to be overlooked, im never seen. Im the woman on the pavement that is forced to the side when you walk past because you're the better person and I dont have right of way....... I cant take this life anymore its brought me to my knees and then some. Its so tiring pretending to be ok all the time and hurtful when you're clearly not but the likes of your housemate just ignore the signs and goes out anyway leaving you sat on your own to type this...........Somebody please take it away
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Im sorry you are in such a place right now Is there not a union rep at your work place that can fight for you Can you not take legal action really it is not your fault you are depressed you cannot be fired for being ill. You mother need to step up now and pay back what she owes you and she needs to help you someone told me once bad things happen to good people You are good hun just the cards are not falling in your favor but they will hun don't give up hope.
  3. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    "I always try and help others but I always seem to be overlooked...Its so tiring pretending to be ok all the time and hurtful when you're clearly not..."

    shamps - I know exactly what you mean here. It seems as if everyone always assumes you are fine. Not very helpful, is it, when you know you're sinking.

    Just because those around you are too clueless to see you are struggling, doesn't mean you are not worthy. It is human nature to base a lot of our self-worth on how much positive attention we receive from others, but this can be so destructively counter-productive. You deserve much better!

    I am interested to hear why you took yourself off the meds. Feel free to PM me if you would like to chat some more.

    Some of us out here are paying attention!

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