Back again

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by nothinman81, Mar 17, 2015.

  1. nothinman81

    nothinman81 Antiquities Friend

    I stepped away from the forum for a while. I'm not sure why. My depression hadn't lessened. My broken leg has manifested into a worse muscle injury that'll probably require surgery. So, with that, I'll be stuck out of work for longer. Stuck in my own head. Stuck not sleeping. Stuck....

    Even if I could go back to work, I don't know what I'd do. I have skills. But my body and mind are failing me. I just turned 34 and labor has ruined my body. It's put me on course to be addicted to pills. It's my fault though.

    I'm so tired. I want to sleep. But I don't. I stay up 23 hours a day.

    I've tried and failed at running my own business. Over the last few days, I've seen others pass me by. There's not much worse than feeling like I've given something everything. Ruined relationships, pushed my marriage to its breaking point. Addicted myself to medication, only to be passed up by a copy. An inferior product.

    I think about what a failure I am all the time.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome back and I sorry to hear that you are down. It's natural to be down with the leg injury but it takes time recover from an injury. You will get back but it's about dealing with one day at a time. Please keep posting for the support from us.
  3. nothinman81

    nothinman81 Antiquities Friend

    I just don't know where I'll go from here. Being hurt has given me a lot of time to dwell on my feelings, relive my mistakes.

    To be honest, in a weird way I'm almost scared to finally get better, because that will put more pressure on me to figure things out.

    My wife and I continue what I feel is a slow drift apart.

    The only real joy in my day is taking my pain meds. For a few hours, I feel "normal", like I can function.

    Like I said, I think one of the things that brought me back, that really pushed me back into the darkest place, was the fact that I feel like I've failed at something I should be so good at, and others around me are succeeding and surpassing me doing an inferior job.

    So much of my life has been defined by what I can do. The skills I possess. It's feels like its been taken from me. Slowly, steadily.
    I have little to no joy left.

    I think about the silly shop accident that broke my leg. I feel like had I fell a different way, had something else happened, I wouldn't be here. It would have been an accident. Something that could have been explained away. I wouldn't be a bother, a drag, anymore. My wife could go on, find someone successful, that she deserves. My family would be fine. Despite teaching me everything I know about my trade, my father and I hate each other, no great loss there.

    It would have just been an accident....

    It would have been an end to my sadness.

    Instead it's only deepened it. Made me face it EVERY day. Hurt my mind.
  4. nothinman81

    nothinman81 Antiquities Friend

    I really appreciate the forum, peoples stories and support. I'm often wondering though, am I alone? I feel alone in that I'm a mid 30's male on here. Am I a minority in the realm of depression and suicide? I feel as though I am. Which leads to even more downward spiral thinking in that as an outlier I'm beyond help.
  5. shania

    shania Well-Known Member

    No, you're not alone at all or in the minority. There are lots of people on the forum in their 30's and 40's. Try not to go into the downward spiral with your thoughts - no one is beyond help.

    Keep posting for support :hug:
  6. nothinman81

    nothinman81 Antiquities Friend

    I just don't have anything to add to this life.
  7. nothinman81

    nothinman81 Antiquities Friend

    I survived my leg surgery last week. Before going in I prayed I wouldn't. I prayed some random hospital thing would put me out for good.
    It seems due to my extreme pain pill addiction, it's put me in even more pain since I can't be prescribed an amount that would actually match my tolerance.

    Sounds like I'll be stuck back in a cast for a month or 2 again. All the while, I feel so lonely. My wife and I continue our slow drift apart.

    Every time I think my depression can't get worse, it does.
    Every time I feel like I might get past my suicidal thoughts, they get worse.

    I tried hard, but I failed. And now I'm just a let down to those around me.
  8. just_some_guy

    just_some_guy Well-Known Member

    Why are you and your wife drifting apart? If I were you, I'd be doing all I could to repair the marriage. It's not too late to fix things until she says she's leaving, but you may be the one who needs to put forth the effort.