Back again...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AlexDanish, Mar 30, 2008.

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  1. AlexDanish

    AlexDanish Account Closed

    Then again, i don't expect anyone to remember.

    when i left, i had one person who cared about me.

    now, i have a group of friends who constantly take roles hating me because i try to be friends to everyone.

    Steve, one of my friends, is dating Alison (The names are made up, dont worry) and Alison is the one who originally cares for me. Alison tells me that me and Steve are equal, but she loves me in a "special" different way than boyfriend-girlfriend. So of course, Steve hates me for that. Absouloutly despises me. but its behind closed doors. But to alison Im the soul-mate, as she says, who she can say anything to.

    Until i talk to Elizabeth, another friend (We're all a group) another girl. So if i try to move on and talk to Elizabeth alot, Alison gets upset and says (through cryptic msn names) that she cant tell me anything anymore. So of course, when i talk to Elizabeth, Steve is happier but Alison is upset. And of course Elizabeth is jealous of our relationship to.

    And then there is Jeff, who is a friend who is there alot, but he gets upset at me for everything, and sometimes i dont know what i do. I ask what i do, and he says "you're such an asshole sometimes" much appreciated.

    So i'm the person they talk to, Elizabeth and Alison. They both tell me they can tell me anything. So I'm their janitor. When Steven treats alison like shit, she comes to me, i solve it, they go back together. Alison makes steve promise he wont do drugs, and he smokes pot. She takes this as a sign shes not trying HARD enough, because she loves him and "only wants him to love her back someday".

    Do I see the problem with that? And of course, Elizabeth, aside from Alison now, tells me her fears, like she doesnt like being the third wheel. Because Alison and Steve are dating, she constantly is.

    So what happens this weekend? Me and Arnold, another friend, never does anything wrong, go to Elizabeths house. Elizabeth invites Alison and Steve, and another unrelated person to our group, Alec. And of course, I realize why Alison is suddenly okay with me liking Elizabeth and talking to her now, because Elizabeth likes Alec and thats okay with alison. So now Im the third wheel with Elizabeth and Alec, and Steve and Alison. So now Elizabeth is a hypocrite, steven is happy because now for no reason, alison gets her way, and alec... hes just there.

    So now Elizabeth is upset at me. Because i got upset at her. So now its awkward, and it will be at school tomorrow. Alison is constantly having her problems. And its awkward with her, because of the whole elizabeth thing with me liking her, and her having to get over it. So me and Jeff and Arnold are the only ones on the outside here.

    So theres nothing i can do. Alison loves Steve and always will. she considers them true love. ok. ok. im second best.

    Elizabeth uses me as a janitor for her problems, and then goes ahead and dates Alec. Not the person who is always there for her, but Alec, who dated Alison before steven, and treated her like worse shit and they broke up.

    I can't deal with that anymore. Everyone is upset with me for everything. I can't please everyone. I'll never be the one girls love. Guys are always upset with me.

    I have shitty grades.

    my parents have big expectations for me.

    im an insomniac, constantly tired but can never sleep.

    ive attempted suicide once and ended up in a mental health ward for a month.

    I am a self-harmer, and I'm only a 16 year old MALE. which is pathetic.

    I never eat breakfast or lunch, but a small dinner, and im underweight.

    I know i'm selfish. I still have a group of friends. so of course im selfish for what i want to do. but im going to do it. I'm tired of being a scapegoat for people to have to their house, so they can make out because they're parents wont let them have just their girlfriend over. I'm tired of being a scapegoat for peoples problems. i'm tired of being hated. im tired of being tired. i do everything for everyone else, i gave my life for those two girls and they dont care. this isnt just one normal adolescent problem. this is a huge shitfest.

    And so why do i type this? somebody has to know. not my friends or family, but someone, just please listen. Will anybody listen? this is a huge paragraph. will you guys skim through it? or will somebody take the time to read it and understand?

    Does it matter?

    this weekend when my family and friends are away on a retreat... i'm going to kill myself. and im not going to make the same mistakes i did last time. its high stakes, death or irreversable damage. and it scares me.

    im sorry.
     
  2. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    Hi, well how to start? i´m 19 and self-harmer too, and i know how it feels to be within you´re friends relationships, but alison and elizabeth are too young, to even understand your pain, the are just jelouse of each other and, what´s most important, don´t worry about the relationships they may have, they know you´ll be there for them and may be some day you´ll be beside alison, but this things take time, not only to improve, but to understand them too. don´t be sorry, just let everything out
     
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm sorry you need to come back but so glad that you did. It sucks when you spend your life doing and living for everyone else. Your so busy trying to please everyone that you overlook yourself. You seem to get lost in the shuffle and dance that everyone else has thrown you into. So now it's time for you to do for YOU. Give yourself a break, a rest from all the problems. Tell your friends you need some down time, to work on some problems of your own. Let them know that for the next while it's up to them to fend for themselves. And you do somethings that need to be done. Try to get into a regular sleep routine, make an extra 5 minutes in the morning for even a glass of milk or slice of toast. Your body is trying to tell you to take a break too. If nothing else at the end of the "your" time maybe your friends will of realized just how important your friendship has been and will lay off a bit. Hun, everyone has problems and you need to make time to address your own here.
     
  4. AlexDanish

    AlexDanish Account Closed

    i don't worry about the relationships they have... but basically now, they both are extremely awkward around me... and as selfish as this sounds, i want to completely back off, and wait until their world crashes and of course they come back to me... and yeah... thats cruel and arrogant and i know i will always try to be there for them, but damn.

    i know, but i can't just disregard my friends problems either... i just thought i could take them all on... i want to save all my friends, but i didnt know i would drown in the process.

    and they've both, alison and elizabeth told me they're taking their own break... so yeah... they kind of already left me... i dunno, the whole situation is fucked up, and even though i've done NOTHING terribly wrong (as feasably as i can tell) it just sucks that all ive worked for, the relationships, have gone to shit just because of a few events. fuck it.
     
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