Last time I was here was back in December 07. I left this forum to try to forget how I was feeling, and just not think about anything for awhile. In that time, I've been going to school and working, dating, and spending more time with friends. Things seemed to be a lot better, but I never really felt 100%. During the spring of last year, I decided to take a chance a go out on a date with someone who had been asking for awhile, another man. At this point I still wasn't sure if that was what I wanted(last I was here I was having orientation confusion), but after awhile I accepted it, and was better off. In the fall, however, I started to not feel so good anymore, back to how I first was. I began to get panic attacks at random points in the day, to where I couldn't breathe or move too well. I felt crowded and pressured. After a week of that I went to a doctor, and was directed to a therapist. I wasn't getting anything out of those sessions, it just felt so pointless to talk to someone paid to listen to me. I was also seeing a psychiatrist during this time, and went on a series of incredibly unsuccessful drug trials, most bad enough that I had to be watched constantly as not to hurt myself. I canceled my appointments with both the psychiatrist and therapist only after a month. I took the winter semester off of school to concentrate on work, that helped a bit, but it wasn't enough. I've done everything I can think of to get bad thoughts out of my head, but every time I find something that makes me even a little bit happier, something happens almost immediately that makes me feel even worse than before. Three weeks ago I moved out of the house into an apartment with my boyfriend. Getting to and from work is much harder, takes longer, and is overall more stressful, but I felt better than I had in months the first week, just being out of the house. All that feeling is gone now though, and I'm left feeling angry and bitter most of the time. My head always hurts, and I can't stop thinking about sick things. It's a single room apartment, but I've been sleeping outside of the bedroom this last week, I can hardly stand being around my boyfriend anymore. I still love him of course, but I just want to be alone. I used to love working, but now I hate it. It's been getting harder to get up in the mornings to leave for work, and even harder to come home from it at night. I go early, and stay late. With his job, we only see each other for about two hours a day to begin with, but during that time I'm usually at my computer, or he's at his. Just like the first time, I really don't know why I'm posting here. I'm not sure at all what I'm expecting, I just want to feel better.