Back again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kayetan, Mar 23, 2009.

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  1. Kayetan

    Kayetan Active Member

    Last time I was here was back in December 07. I left this forum to try to forget how I was feeling, and just not think about anything for awhile. In that time, I've been going to school and working, dating, and spending more time with friends. Things seemed to be a lot better, but I never really felt 100%. During the spring of last year, I decided to take a chance a go out on a date with someone who had been asking for awhile, another man. At this point I still wasn't sure if that was what I wanted(last I was here I was having orientation confusion), but after awhile I accepted it, and was better off.
    In the fall, however, I started to not feel so good anymore, back to how I first was. I began to get panic attacks at random points in the day, to where I couldn't breathe or move too well. I felt crowded and pressured. After a week of that I went to a doctor, and was directed to a therapist. I wasn't getting anything out of those sessions, it just felt so pointless to talk to someone paid to listen to me. I was also seeing a psychiatrist during this time, and went on a series of incredibly unsuccessful drug trials, most bad enough that I had to be watched constantly as not to hurt myself. I canceled my appointments with both the psychiatrist and therapist only after a month.
    I took the winter semester off of school to concentrate on work, that helped a bit, but it wasn't enough. I've done everything I can think of to get bad thoughts out of my head, but every time I find something that makes me even a little bit happier, something happens almost immediately that makes me feel even worse than before.
    Three weeks ago I moved out of the house into an apartment with my boyfriend. Getting to and from work is much harder, takes longer, and is overall more stressful, but I felt better than I had in months the first week, just being out of the house.
    All that feeling is gone now though, and I'm left feeling angry and bitter most of the time. My head always hurts, and I can't stop thinking about sick things. It's a single room apartment, but I've been sleeping outside of the bedroom this last week, I can hardly stand being around my boyfriend anymore. I still love him of course, but I just want to be alone. I used to love working, but now I hate it. It's been getting harder to get up in the mornings to leave for work, and even harder to come home from it at night. I go early, and stay late. With his job, we only see each other for about two hours a day to begin with, but during that time I'm usually at my computer, or he's at his.
    Just like the first time, I really don't know why I'm posting here. I'm not sure at all what I'm expecting, I just want to feel better.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You said you only saw your therapist for a month..You can't expect to get anything out of it in such a short time..You hadn't had time to even bond with her/him...Therapy takes time and you have to be totally honest with them so they can put together a treatment plan..I also think you should go back to your shrink..Meds are ashot in the dark, they have to see what works for you and what doesn't..They take four to six weeks to start working.Everyones body chemistry is different so what works for some doesn't work for others. I am on a regimine of meds for the different problems.. I currently take five different meds to keep me stable.. I just think you didn't give it a proper go..
  3. Kayetan

    Kayetan Active Member

    The therapist made me uncomfortable. She'd constantly forget things I'd say, or try to mix my words up to mean something else, I should have mentioned that. I did answer everything she'd ask, I told her far more than I tell anyone else because I thought it would help. The psychiatrist I liked, he was good. But the medicines weren't. I was tried on 5 different medicines, each one had immediate results of extreme anger, or extreme depression, to the point that I had to have people watching me. With those kind of side effects, I really didn't want to risk trying anything else, especially since all of the medicines were trial and error.
  4. Troubled2008

    Troubled2008 Well-Known Member

    Kayetan-- I always have a generalized responce for people on here but..... Whether you are "official" about it or not... You are influenced by the sad ideas of the major religions.

    Trust in yourself rather than the sad ideas of others... And I think you will find the answers that you want.

    I also think that if you can learn true patience and internal-peace, that the answers will come by themselves. Don't worry about it........... Learn your inner-confidence and the things you want to know about and your life will show you those answers. Without trying.
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