back again...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Songie, Jul 31, 2009.

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  1. Songie

    Songie Well-Known Member

    I tried to go to bed so that I would stop thinking like this...but these thoughts just wont stop.I cant stop thinking about how much better everything would be if I just died. I cant seem to focus on any good things in my life...actually i cant even think of ANY. I just feel so much pain...and I cant seem to make it stop. I want to cut so badly...or OD...or do something...anything to make this terrible feeling stop. Someone please help me...tell me what to do. I tried to call Shane...those of you that know me probably know who that is...and his phone doesnt have any minutes which means that I cant get ahold of him without calling Jody and Lora...but its like 5 in the morning out here and I dont want to wake them up. At least I think his phone is out of minutes cuz i called it and it said that the number wasnt reachable...whatever the fuck that means. I just want to die...I honestly do. I dont know how to deal with this....I've dealt with nightmares and flashbacks about my rape and childhood for years but I've never had to deal with them on top of feeling like my heart is breaking. I dont know what to do. Someone please help me...tell me how I can stop this pain...please...
     
  2. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    :hug: i'm sorry you feel like this hun
    i know it may be 5 in the morning there, but if he cares about you, he would not mind you calling him.. are you sure there's not a way to contact him directly?
    if not then i don't really know what to say other than, have a warm drink, it'll calm you down and try to go back to sleep :arms: here if you need me though :heart:
    triggs xx
     
  3. Songie

    Songie Well-Known Member

    I tried calling his cell, but like I said its out of minutes and Jody and Lora is the only other way I can think of to get ahold of him...but they have a two year old baby...and I dont want to wake the baby up...and I dont want to make Lora mad at me...cuz I really like her. And...idk...thats the only thing I can think of to do...and...god...I dont even know. Thanks for being there for me, Triggs. I really appreciate it. I think I just need someone to talk to...since I cant talk to him. Im just so damn scared and I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest...and...idk...I've always been a daddys girl and its killing me that my dad is so mad at me and i dont know what to do...But I dont think I'll ever be able to forgive my dad for doing this to me...ever. And that really bothers me. I want to be able to forgive him...I really do. But I've never seen him be this heartless. Not even when I was younger and he was abusive...even then he had more of a heart then he has over the past few days...i dont know what to do...Im so confused...
     
  4. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    i know this may not be what you want to hear right now, but could it be that you're a bit blinded by love that you're not seeing the reasons why your dad has done this? maybe look at it through his eyes? he may just want to protect you hun. :hug: i know love hurts, but it's not worth ending everything for :arms: just maybe try and calm down and see that it's not the worst thing... Shane could maybe visit you some time? I hope things turn out well hun, for now just try and sleep, it will really help, honestly :heart: xx
     
  5. Songie

    Songie Well-Known Member

    In a way I understand what my dad is thinking. He has every right to be angry and to let me not go and hang out with Shane. But he's taking this to an extreme. For one, he hasn't been around since I was 11. And I'm 17 now. And just because of some stupid rumor he is refusing to allow me to even talk to Shane and sending me across the country...I think he's over-reacting just a little bit...okay, so alot....I understand him being worried...but this is just ridiculous. And the Shane thing isnt the only reason that I want to die right now. Im not just thinking about him. Im thinking about my rape and the fact that my rapist broke into my house a week ago and cut me up with a razor blade and no one in my family believes me, they just think that I started cutting again and dont want to admit it. And Im so fucking frustrated right now. Sorry if it sounds like I'm bitching at you, I'm really not trying to. I'm just...idk...ranting? venting?:love:
     
  6. Azumi

    Azumi Well-Known Member

    I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to Songie. You can PM me anytime. I don't obviously know the whole story, but from what I see here, your dad might slightly be overreacting. And I'm very sorry to hear about your rape incident and what recently happened with the rappist. Have you ever told your family about the rapist? Maybe that could help if you haven't already. It may not "fix" the problem, but it might be a start. And with time I do believe that the fight between you and your father can be resolved if you wish it so. I'm sure that your dad loves you and he's scared of something dangerious to happen to you and that's why he is sending you away. (Doesn't mean that it is always the right choice though).
    Well anyways again I'm always here for you if you need me, my PM box is always open.
     
  7. Songie

    Songie Well-Known Member

    Thanks Azumi, I'll send you a PM :biggrin:
     
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